I will always love Steve Martin. And Henry, you'll just have to accept that.
Although my pre-teen adolesence was filled with dreams of rainbows and ice cream and horses and Wil Wheaton, my first real full-on make-out dream involved me and Steve Martin and a bookstore. Swoon. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I've always imagined that like SAnDeE*, Steve would just happen into my place of business and we'd hit it off and he'd ask me to L'Idiot, but in my fantasy, we'd be listening to Enya in the end. So, when I heard this, I guess I was a little wistfully heartbroken. Steve's gone and proposed to another girl.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
100 Lies I've Never Told
A few years ago there was a thing called Delphi Forums that was all the rage with a certain set of my friends, both in person friends and friends I've only known online. We chatted about everything - movies, books, food - and there were a few great things that came out of those forums like "Simple Pleasures Hurley" and some other literary gems contributed by dozens of hilarious people that live all over the world. It was a simple system - one person would come up with a thread and all the forum members would contribute if they had something to say about that thread. And honestly, I checked those forums probably 10 times a day, reading all sorts of thoughts from all sorts of people.
One of those threads was "100 Lies I've Never Told". The idea was to write 100 lies you've never told about yourself and the more outlandish the better. Now some people on these forums were damn funny and I tried my best to keep up with them. Actually, they were brilliantly funny, wickedly witty, and incredibly insane (but in a good way). I posted my 100 and recently found a copy of them. So, now I'll share them with the 6 of you. I hope you enjoy them and Delphiers? Consider this a big shout out to all of you.
100 Lies I've Never Told
1. It used to be "Animal, Vegetable, or Amy". I made them change it because I felt self-conscious.
2. I was originally cast as KITT in "Knight Rider".
3. I'm raising Sea Monkeys in my spinal fluid.
4. The Pope and I get into heated games of Connect Four twice a month.
5. Once, after being angered beyond all limits, I shrunk the majestic broccoli tree into the vegetable we know today so that it might be eternally punished for its earlier wrong doings.
6. I was married to Barry Manilow for three glorious weeks. I called him "Banilow".
7. I fought in nine matches for the WWF as "The Butter Churn".
8. I've been immortalized as a bobblehead.
9. Onions don't make me cry.
10. "JAWS" is based on my life story.
11. My middle name is "Bitchslap".
12. "Oligarchy " is tattooed on the back of my neck.
13. I keep thousands of wolverines as pets.
14. Sometimes, while watching television, I can astral project into Ed Asner.
15. I am the Tooth Fairy.
16. I invented a teleportation device, but it was destroyed by the creators of "Dr. Who".
17. My liver is iron clad.
18. I am impervious to hair pulling.
19. My first job was Executive Assistant to LBJ where I was in charge of the shoe polishing machine.
20. I have smoked shitloads of crack.
21. And lived to tell about it.
22. Eight of the songs of Nick Cave were inspired by my relationship with a fruit bat.
23. I've licked three heads of state.
24. I can unbend pretzels with my mind.
25. It was my idea to almost entirely change the cast on "The Facts of Life".
26. However, I didn't have anything to do with the casting of Geri.
27. I make the patterns for snowflakes.
28. I was the inspiration for Donkey Kong.
29. Scathing articles about my sexual conquests regularly appear in European magazines.
30. I julienne fries.
31. I faked my death in 1984.
32. I invented the art of plate spinning.
33. I told Mr. T to get the mohawk.
34. I dream only of Abraham Lincoln sitting at the top of a short totem pole quietly repeating the lyrics of "Muskrat Love". All other dreams have been concocted to entertain.
35. My feet are way bigger than you think.
36. I am barred from traveling through Indiana thanks to comments made regarding their Daylight Savings Time policy.
37. I use eggplants to transport illicit drugs through the mail.
38. If I sit entirely still, I can pick up Danish radio stations with my eyelashes.
39. My father is Don Knotts.
40. My mom is really Omar Sharif in disguise. My REAL mom is Sandy Duncan.
41. I can hover three inches above any solid surface made entirely of aluminum.
42. I was Zamfir's mentor for four years.
43. Hole puncher? My idea.
44. I had a torrid affair with Cobi, the mascot of the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics.
45. I am Danielle Steele.
46. Before that I was the Gorton's Fisherman.
47. Before that I was Sherman Williams, but got sick of all the damn questions.
48. I cry wolf.
49. I hold the highest score ever recorded in Wack-A-Mole.
50. My skull was removed and replaced with layer upon layer of dried Elmer's Glue.
51. I used to work at the UN where I simultaneously translated in hula.
52. My Honda was made entirely of chewed Teaberry gum.
53. All the gum was chewed by Greg Norman and Robert Goulet.
54. On Palm Sunday, I can count cards legally.
55. I am covered in a thick, clear fur that can be seen under black light.
56. I sang the "hmmmmm" at the end of the closing theme song of "Diff'rent Strokes".
57. I was the first person to whimsically refer to Target as "Tar-zhay".
58. I keep angels in my left hand kitchen cabinet next to the Long John Silver's collectible glasses.
59. Fidel Castro and I have a long-running correspondence regarding one thing: the physics of the Thermos.
60. He writes his letters to me on vermicelli noodles.
61. I write his letters on grape seeds.
62. Each night before you fall asleep, I whisper the secrets of the Mayans in your ear.
63. I warned Eric Stoltz.
64. I was Jesse Ventura's Campaign Manager.
65. My first love is sumo wrestling.
66. Right before he went on stage I asked Kennedy, "Yeah, but what can my country do for me?"
67. I killed Erma Bombeck.
68. That is not a lie.
69. I've swum with moose.
70. I've also swum with Meese.
71. I protested until they started calling it Kraft CHEESE and Macaroni.
72. The sky is blue because I said so once.
73. My brother keeps Motley Crüe as his house pets.
74. They wet the floor if left alone for too long.
75. My only source of income is making wreaths for cow necks for Pongal.
76. I've been inside the Popemobile.
77. I can list all 50 states in descending order of Tang consumption.
78. I bought the Leaning Tower of Pisa with tulip bulbs in 1636, just before the tulip market crashed.
79. Cherry Coke comes out of all my faucets when the cold water is turned on.
80. I know where the beef is.
81. I'll tell you if you ask really nicely.
82. I came up with the concept of live bait vending machines.
83. I sleep on a mattress made entirely of devil's food cake.
84. "Keep on truckin'" was the first thing I said as a baby.
85. I named Djibouti, but they fucked up the spelling.
86. Carl Kasell lives in a tiny treasure chest at the foot of my bed.
87. I gave Janis Joplin her first bottle of SoCo.
88. This? Oh, that's nothing.
89. I know every duck joke ever told.
90. I am the girl in that McCurry photograph.
91. My heart is made of saffron.
92. I told Dali to make the Lobster Telephone.
93. Every line I've ever written has made someone, somewhere cry.
94. My real name is Annabel Lee.
95. I have a sixth sense - a sense of urgency.
96. Dale Chihuly gave me his eye a la Van Gogh.
97. I wear it in my hair.
98. I put the kaibosh on parachute pants.
99. I am going to rename all the planets after the Teletubbies next week.
100. I can escape it.
One of those threads was "100 Lies I've Never Told". The idea was to write 100 lies you've never told about yourself and the more outlandish the better. Now some people on these forums were damn funny and I tried my best to keep up with them. Actually, they were brilliantly funny, wickedly witty, and incredibly insane (but in a good way). I posted my 100 and recently found a copy of them. So, now I'll share them with the 6 of you. I hope you enjoy them and Delphiers? Consider this a big shout out to all of you.
100 Lies I've Never Told
1. It used to be "Animal, Vegetable, or Amy". I made them change it because I felt self-conscious.
2. I was originally cast as KITT in "Knight Rider".
3. I'm raising Sea Monkeys in my spinal fluid.
4. The Pope and I get into heated games of Connect Four twice a month.
5. Once, after being angered beyond all limits, I shrunk the majestic broccoli tree into the vegetable we know today so that it might be eternally punished for its earlier wrong doings.
6. I was married to Barry Manilow for three glorious weeks. I called him "Banilow".
7. I fought in nine matches for the WWF as "The Butter Churn".
8. I've been immortalized as a bobblehead.
9. Onions don't make me cry.
10. "JAWS" is based on my life story.
11. My middle name is "Bitchslap".
12. "Oligarchy " is tattooed on the back of my neck.
13. I keep thousands of wolverines as pets.
14. Sometimes, while watching television, I can astral project into Ed Asner.
15. I am the Tooth Fairy.
16. I invented a teleportation device, but it was destroyed by the creators of "Dr. Who".
17. My liver is iron clad.
18. I am impervious to hair pulling.
19. My first job was Executive Assistant to LBJ where I was in charge of the shoe polishing machine.
20. I have smoked shitloads of crack.
21. And lived to tell about it.
22. Eight of the songs of Nick Cave were inspired by my relationship with a fruit bat.
23. I've licked three heads of state.
24. I can unbend pretzels with my mind.
25. It was my idea to almost entirely change the cast on "The Facts of Life".
26. However, I didn't have anything to do with the casting of Geri.
27. I make the patterns for snowflakes.
28. I was the inspiration for Donkey Kong.
29. Scathing articles about my sexual conquests regularly appear in European magazines.
30. I julienne fries.
31. I faked my death in 1984.
32. I invented the art of plate spinning.
33. I told Mr. T to get the mohawk.
34. I dream only of Abraham Lincoln sitting at the top of a short totem pole quietly repeating the lyrics of "Muskrat Love". All other dreams have been concocted to entertain.
35. My feet are way bigger than you think.
36. I am barred from traveling through Indiana thanks to comments made regarding their Daylight Savings Time policy.
37. I use eggplants to transport illicit drugs through the mail.
38. If I sit entirely still, I can pick up Danish radio stations with my eyelashes.
39. My father is Don Knotts.
40. My mom is really Omar Sharif in disguise. My REAL mom is Sandy Duncan.
41. I can hover three inches above any solid surface made entirely of aluminum.
42. I was Zamfir's mentor for four years.
43. Hole puncher? My idea.
44. I had a torrid affair with Cobi, the mascot of the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics.
45. I am Danielle Steele.
46. Before that I was the Gorton's Fisherman.
47. Before that I was Sherman Williams, but got sick of all the damn questions.
48. I cry wolf.
49. I hold the highest score ever recorded in Wack-A-Mole.
50. My skull was removed and replaced with layer upon layer of dried Elmer's Glue.
51. I used to work at the UN where I simultaneously translated in hula.
52. My Honda was made entirely of chewed Teaberry gum.
53. All the gum was chewed by Greg Norman and Robert Goulet.
54. On Palm Sunday, I can count cards legally.
55. I am covered in a thick, clear fur that can be seen under black light.
56. I sang the "hmmmmm" at the end of the closing theme song of "Diff'rent Strokes".
57. I was the first person to whimsically refer to Target as "Tar-zhay".
58. I keep angels in my left hand kitchen cabinet next to the Long John Silver's collectible glasses.
59. Fidel Castro and I have a long-running correspondence regarding one thing: the physics of the Thermos.
60. He writes his letters to me on vermicelli noodles.
61. I write his letters on grape seeds.
62. Each night before you fall asleep, I whisper the secrets of the Mayans in your ear.
63. I warned Eric Stoltz.
64. I was Jesse Ventura's Campaign Manager.
65. My first love is sumo wrestling.
66. Right before he went on stage I asked Kennedy, "Yeah, but what can my country do for me?"
67. I killed Erma Bombeck.
68. That is not a lie.
69. I've swum with moose.
70. I've also swum with Meese.
71. I protested until they started calling it Kraft CHEESE and Macaroni.
72. The sky is blue because I said so once.
73. My brother keeps Motley Crüe as his house pets.
74. They wet the floor if left alone for too long.
75. My only source of income is making wreaths for cow necks for Pongal.
76. I've been inside the Popemobile.
77. I can list all 50 states in descending order of Tang consumption.
78. I bought the Leaning Tower of Pisa with tulip bulbs in 1636, just before the tulip market crashed.
79. Cherry Coke comes out of all my faucets when the cold water is turned on.
80. I know where the beef is.
81. I'll tell you if you ask really nicely.
82. I came up with the concept of live bait vending machines.
83. I sleep on a mattress made entirely of devil's food cake.
84. "Keep on truckin'" was the first thing I said as a baby.
85. I named Djibouti, but they fucked up the spelling.
86. Carl Kasell lives in a tiny treasure chest at the foot of my bed.
87. I gave Janis Joplin her first bottle of SoCo.
88. This? Oh, that's nothing.
89. I know every duck joke ever told.
90. I am the girl in that McCurry photograph.
91. My heart is made of saffron.
92. I told Dali to make the Lobster Telephone.
93. Every line I've ever written has made someone, somewhere cry.
94. My real name is Annabel Lee.
95. I have a sixth sense - a sense of urgency.
96. Dale Chihuly gave me his eye a la Van Gogh.
97. I wear it in my hair.
98. I put the kaibosh on parachute pants.
99. I am going to rename all the planets after the Teletubbies next week.
100. I can escape it.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
...And Boy Is My Tongue Tired
I had my first French lesson last night with my new tutor. It's been 14 years since I took my last French class and I was surprised that I remembered quite a bit, but can't recall simple things like the word for "dress" or numbers (I had to count on my fingers and repeat the numbers aloud until I got to the one I wanted). Now certainly the native Frenchwoman teaching me is really in command of the language, but I was rather surprised that she could carry on en francais and I was pretty much understanding what she said with a few "pardons?" tossed in there every now and again. So, although most of my answers are still in English, I'm looking forward to being able to read French Vogue.
And that reminds me...this is the perfect excuse to Carine Roitfeld's monthly fashion bible at Borders now.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Keeping You In The Know
For those of you that might have missed "Victoria Beckham: Coming To America" last night on NBC, never fear! I watched the entire thing for you and will now present all the best lines uttered by Mrs. Beckham!
• After meeting stereotypical LA women - plastic to the hilt, over the hill, money-centric, crazy bitches - for a luncheon, and hearing one of them do their dolphin impersonation (truly frightening, that) Victoria states: "There's only one way to go here...let's get drunk."
• Quite tongue-in-cheek, she sighs and utters, "It's exhausting being fabulous."
• Upon entering a very tacky house: "It looked like someone with no taste came in and vomited everywhere."
• At a viewing of Lionel Richie's former home currently on the market, our Vic comments on the floors. The realtor tells her they were laid by Lionel himself to which she slyly responds: "Lionel Richie laid the parquet floor.....whilst dancing on the ceiling."
• On Thanksgiving: "They take loads of pretzels, mash 'em up, and shove 'em up turkeys' bums."
• Her assistant informs her that she taking her somewhere to learn how to throw a pitch at a baseball game after Vicky's invited to throw out the first pitch at a Dodgers' game. She follows that up with, "You should probably wear sporty heels."
Want more? (And I know you do.) Then head to NBC.com and watch, you cheeky bastards.
• After meeting stereotypical LA women - plastic to the hilt, over the hill, money-centric, crazy bitches - for a luncheon, and hearing one of them do their dolphin impersonation (truly frightening, that) Victoria states: "There's only one way to go here...let's get drunk."
• Quite tongue-in-cheek, she sighs and utters, "It's exhausting being fabulous."
• Upon entering a very tacky house: "It looked like someone with no taste came in and vomited everywhere."
• At a viewing of Lionel Richie's former home currently on the market, our Vic comments on the floors. The realtor tells her they were laid by Lionel himself to which she slyly responds: "Lionel Richie laid the parquet floor.....whilst dancing on the ceiling."
• On Thanksgiving: "They take loads of pretzels, mash 'em up, and shove 'em up turkeys' bums."
• Her assistant informs her that she taking her somewhere to learn how to throw a pitch at a baseball game after Vicky's invited to throw out the first pitch at a Dodgers' game. She follows that up with, "You should probably wear sporty heels."
Want more? (And I know you do.) Then head to NBC.com and watch, you cheeky bastards.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Fashion Round-up: Ye Olde Tidbits
I know some of you aren't up on the couture scene and that at times my endless rants about Galliano's pencil thin moustache and McQueen's utter genius can be rather dullsville. And so, I give you the best of both worlds - high fashion and cartoons! (See more at Fashionista.com!)
• The title of this article makes me giggle like a wee child.
• I know this dress could only be worn to my goth boyfriend's untimely funeral (aren't they always), but I still want it. And it's on sale. And yes, it's McQueen. (Am I that transparent?)
• Hey Leigh Lezark! The Giles dress you wore for Vogue's on sale too! (I can't find a scan of you in it, but I know you were.)
• And because I wanted to do a whole post about couture, but just couldn't really get into it beyond the Dior, here's the newest look in fashion - the ass fox. You'd think that I might be referring to a 45-year-old oiled down playboy from Milan who prefers the booty to the boobies, but I'm not. Plus, would that guy really be a fox anyway? Regardless...
Imagine turning around and seeing that thing behind you all the time.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
You Come At The King, You Best Not Miss
I don't care whatch'all think. Omar totally steals that show.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
I'd Like To Ace His Deuce, If You Catch My Meaning
I'm not what you'd call a "sports fan". Certainly I'm KO'd by Olympic fever every couple of years, but to me, that's quite different from the usual weekly fare. First off, I get to brush up on my flags of many nations identification skills and secondly, I get to realize my affinity for things not normally covered like the biathlon the bobsled and thirdly, there's about 1,000 other reasons I love the Olympics, but this is not a post about the Games. Those will come in 2008.
So, yeah, sports. I have never found myself interested in those that end in "ball" - basket, base, foot. They've never been my cup of tea as they seem too repetitive, too slow, too homoerotic. Sure, I had that dalliance with college basketball during the Duke domination years, but let's face it, that's solely because Christian Laettner was such a dreamboat and because I so desperately wanted to go to Duke at the time. Since then, I've occasionally been forced to feign interest in them due to boyfriends or parties or because I'm actually at a game. I think I could like hockey because it's always cool in the arena, but the only parts that interest me are when the teams change lines or they get into a brawl. Other than that, it's too hard for me to see the puck and my attention drifts to people watching.
But there is one sport I've always enjoyed, one I've tried on many occasions to learn, and that sport is tennis. Yes, I do have a crush on Roger Federer, but that's because he's so sublime. He embodies what tennis should mean - manners, good looking in white clothes, grace under pressure. That's tennis. Now, his occasional nemesis, Rafael Nadal is a good player, but he's too aggressive and certainly too much of an ass-picker for my liking (seriously, he tugs at his crack more times per match than he lands aces). Plus, Roger is the portrait of stoic swatting as he never ooogahs like the rest of the players - honestly, do they have to grunt everytime they put racquet to ball? So, why have I never taken up the second favorite sport of Palm Beach? Well, it all started back in the day when my Cranial Gravitational Pull was in full effect.
You see, I have an ailment. One so insidious that all sports took a dark cast - every pop-fly was cause for concern; every lay-up another moment to dodge out of the way; and speaking of "dodge", let's not even begin to discuss the torment wrought in that arena. Cranial Gravitational Pull (CGP) is a disorder in which a cranium, in this case, mine, is gravitationally stronger than the area around it causing all round, airborne objects to be pulled in its direction. Hit in the head with a basketball? Check. Volleyball? Definitely. Softball? You know it. Tennis ball? Got a black eye. So, as a youth, all the rites of passage involving team spirit were lost on me because I was usually way the hell out in left field or warming the bench while those without CGP were off enjoying base hits and whatnot. Now certainly the CGP wasn't the only thing standing in my way. I failed spectacularly at gymnastics (springboarded straight into the vault and still can't do a back walk-over) and there aren't any balls there (no snickering). And, to be truthful, I think I rather enjoyed my ailment's benefits - a nice, stress-free afternoon sitting out in the grass or sitting over on the bench. As I got older, those stress-free afternoons involved sitting next to the cooler of beer so really, is it all that terrible?
Well, when it comes to the tennis court, yes, it is. I desperately want a cute little tennis outfit, my own little racquet bag, maybe even a visor. And all fashion aside, I especially want to lob and volley and backhand and ace like Roger. (Maybe even with Roger, but as I told Henry, it's probably better if I don't learn and can use my "I wouldn't recognize a sports figure if they told me point-blank they pitch for the Cardinals" routine [which isn't so much a routine as general ignorance].) I want to trot out to a close-clipped grass court and swat little white tennis balls like Lucy Honeychurch. And I'm trying. I've gotten myself a really ripping badminton set for the lawn and have at least been able to play moderately well, when I can find an opponent. I've also noticed that at the last baseball game I attended there weren't any line drives headed straight for my sightline. Perhaps, like some allergies, CGP dimishes over the years and I just might end up at 40-love someday. Just don't expect me to be standing in centerfield for your summer league. I'm far too happy over by the beer cooler.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
60 Years of Christian Dior
Well, I think we know by now that I'm not the biggest Galliano fan, which is to say, I do not doubt his ability to create, I just don't always enjoy his vision. Yesterday was the show celebrating the 60th anniversary of the House of Christian Dior and while I see the vision - the harlequin, the sweepingly dramatic dresses, the wasp waisted suit - I just wish he wouldn't turn his models into drag queens.
Seriously. He turned gloriously beautiful Kim Noorda into Lady Bunny with two swooshy eyebrows and a shit-ton of blue shadow. But she wasn't the only one that ended up looking wretched. Linda Evangelista and Naomi Campbell were looking a little worse for wear on the runway and poor Angela Lindvall ended up cast as a fur-trimmed Miss Ellie from "Dallas".
But, all that being said, there were sublime moments like the dress Lily Bart might have worn popping up on Vlada.
And a stunning ensemble that would have been perfect on Lisa Fonssagrives.
The colors were simply astounding. Petal pinks, icy blues, blood reds, café mocha shades that slid into cinnamons, minty greens and lavenders! It was a cavalcade of shades that were absolutely pitch perfect and rendered in not only gloriously crafted gowns, but also in the hair ornaments and jewelry that made me long to be regal or bound for a ball sometime in the future.
And just as I was beginning to think I might be able to get past the model gawking and just focus on the fashion and that I might actually start to like Galliano, it came crashing down when he came out to take his bow.
So, sufficient to say, I'd love to raid his atelier and jewelry box, but I'll be steering quite clear of his makeup table and his personal closet.
Seriously. He turned gloriously beautiful Kim Noorda into Lady Bunny with two swooshy eyebrows and a shit-ton of blue shadow. But she wasn't the only one that ended up looking wretched. Linda Evangelista and Naomi Campbell were looking a little worse for wear on the runway and poor Angela Lindvall ended up cast as a fur-trimmed Miss Ellie from "Dallas".
But, all that being said, there were sublime moments like the dress Lily Bart might have worn popping up on Vlada.
And a stunning ensemble that would have been perfect on Lisa Fonssagrives.
The colors were simply astounding. Petal pinks, icy blues, blood reds, café mocha shades that slid into cinnamons, minty greens and lavenders! It was a cavalcade of shades that were absolutely pitch perfect and rendered in not only gloriously crafted gowns, but also in the hair ornaments and jewelry that made me long to be regal or bound for a ball sometime in the future.
And just as I was beginning to think I might be able to get past the model gawking and just focus on the fashion and that I might actually start to like Galliano, it came crashing down when he came out to take his bow.
So, sufficient to say, I'd love to raid his atelier and jewelry box, but I'll be steering quite clear of his makeup table and his personal closet.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Ping-A-Ling
I just installed a sitemeter on this here deal because, well, I really don't know why but it seemed like everyone else had one so why not? Plus, uh, it's free.
The thing is, I'm a luddite when it comes to this crap and haven't a clue who/what/where/when/why/how people come to my blog save the people that know me (Hey you 6!). Apparently, this here sitemeter can tell you how these people got here beyond thinking, "That OAA, she's really somekindasomethin'. Let's see what she's up to, shall we?" So, how did they get here? Well, they searched for these things:
jami getz (alias for "The Lost Boys" star, obvs.)
gothic arsehole ("A.D." fan or misguided S&M devotee?)
chanice booty (I got nothin'.)
drink your juice shelby (!!!Please tell me you use this as often as I do, person in Georgia!!!)
spanish translation (stunning since the only thing I can do in Spanish is order at Taco Bell and ask for more shoes.)
Also, people are still getting to the OAA via my brother's blog despite the fact that it's been dormant lo these 8 months. So, with all this mania in mind, I'm going to add in some strange word combos that just might get me to come up in strange word combo searches here:
rickets in space
lime carriage
muffintop madness!
transgenerational directives
poodle scroodle
bubble and squeak (real thing, still a strange combo)
scoot hooters
boss of the bedclothes
Margaritaville City Councilman
So, let's see if those get me any pings!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Things, They Happen
List of things that have happened recently, noteworthy or otherwise.
1. Finished watching season 3 of "Deadwood" and would like to issue the following hearty letter to the folks at HBO:
Dear Folks at HBO,
Please don't consider this a threat, but if you don't make/air/package/deliver to me those "Deadwood" movies you promised, I will come out there, I will determine just which toothbrush is yours, and I will drop said toothbrush into the nearest toilet. I will then replace that toothbrush to its original location and you will be brushing your teeth from then on with toilet-tainted toothbrushes. And that's just the start of my subtle abuse of your persons.
How you could take THIS away from me is unconscionable.
Sincerely,
OAA
2. I just crammed 13 grapes in my mouth. The key to cramming grapes is to invite people who are not prone to fits of the giggles to watch you as inviting others that do just might lead to the Heimlich.
3. Today my client called Abe Vigoda a "sexy bitch". And really, I have to agree.
4. Fletcher: I bet that waterfall at that cave pool is really spectacular right now.
5. Words I need to start using more: boffo, elemental, verve, spelunk, capitulate.
6. I recently finished reading The Glass Castle which was really good but the title constantly reminds me of that boffo episode of "Arrested Development" in which David Cross instructs the Cockney cabbie to take him to "The Gothic Castle" which he hears as "The Gothic Arsehole" which is, in fact, a very gay bar. As a result, The Glass Castle always becomes The Glass Arsehole in my mind. And I picture David Cross in his leather daddy gear.
And that about sums it up.
1. Finished watching season 3 of "Deadwood" and would like to issue the following hearty letter to the folks at HBO:
Dear Folks at HBO,
Please don't consider this a threat, but if you don't make/air/package/deliver to me those "Deadwood" movies you promised, I will come out there, I will determine just which toothbrush is yours, and I will drop said toothbrush into the nearest toilet. I will then replace that toothbrush to its original location and you will be brushing your teeth from then on with toilet-tainted toothbrushes. And that's just the start of my subtle abuse of your persons.
How you could take THIS away from me is unconscionable.
Sincerely,
OAA
2. I just crammed 13 grapes in my mouth. The key to cramming grapes is to invite people who are not prone to fits of the giggles to watch you as inviting others that do just might lead to the Heimlich.
3. Today my client called Abe Vigoda a "sexy bitch". And really, I have to agree.
4. Fletcher: I bet that waterfall at that cave pool is really spectacular right now.
5. Words I need to start using more: boffo, elemental, verve, spelunk, capitulate.
6. I recently finished reading The Glass Castle which was really good but the title constantly reminds me of that boffo episode of "Arrested Development" in which David Cross instructs the Cockney cabbie to take him to "The Gothic Castle" which he hears as "The Gothic Arsehole" which is, in fact, a very gay bar. As a result, The Glass Castle always becomes The Glass Arsehole in my mind. And I picture David Cross in his leather daddy gear.
And that about sums it up.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Look At Him...Sittin' On That Stool Like He's Doin' It A Favor
The best entire SNL episode ever? Why, I vote April 21st, 1990!
Somewhere, that baby's still on tape just waiting for me to unearth it and share it with the world. But until then, you'll have to tide yourselves over with this audio-challenged vid of one of my favorite sketches featuring host Alec Baldwin and Jan Hooks.
Monday, June 25, 2007
This Is Still One Of My Favorite Pieces Of Advice
Our copywriter at work told me this story and it's still one of my all-time favorites. He heard this little gem outside on the sidewalk one day while eavesdropping on an older man laying down the knowledge to a younger dude:
"See, you don't need to be carryin' no gun. What you need to do, is carry a snake. Say a guy pulls a gun on you--you throw a snake at him. What's he gonna do? He's gonna run, that's what he'll do. And he'll probably drop the gun. Ya see, there's just some things people is scared of. And snakes is one of 'em."
Truth.
"See, you don't need to be carryin' no gun. What you need to do, is carry a snake. Say a guy pulls a gun on you--you throw a snake at him. What's he gonna do? He's gonna run, that's what he'll do. And he'll probably drop the gun. Ya see, there's just some things people is scared of. And snakes is one of 'em."
Truth.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
It's Your Turn, America!
Now's your chance to make a decision that will impact the Abler archives for years to come! Should Henry title his slip sleeve of old birthday party negatives based on the antiquated name given by those not in touch with today's politically correct lifestyle or should he select one that fully illustrates just how far we as a nation have come and select my idea? It's your choice, America! Vote and make your voice heard!
(I cannot guarantee that said party will name said slip sleeve based on the poll's results, but you guys should be used to electoral disappointment by now.)
(I cannot guarantee that said party will name said slip sleeve based on the poll's results, but you guys should be used to electoral disappointment by now.)
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Amy Tour Of Texas: My Hair Hurts And Keep Your Hands Off My Geegaws!
So, as some of you may know, I just took a vacation to Texas to visit two lovely girls - both named Amy. This certainly makes for a fun trip as both are Amy Katherines and both are sheer delights and dear friends. Most of the time was spent reminiscing and talking for hours and hours, but since that certainly doesn't make for an interesting blog post, I thought it might be good to share a bit of the exciting aspects of the tour.
BY THE NUMBERS
ONE: photos of Scott Foley spotted in a Ladue High yearbook which naturally makes me 3 degrees away from Jennifer Garner, Michael Jackson sing-a-longs attended, 1,000-year-old tree visited, professional massages received, Zilker Zephyr rides, outdoor showers taken
TWO: "live croaker" flags, laps swum in my beautiful new pool at LASR, deer leaping the fence in Lamar, watches of the Gladys Hardy phone call on "Ellen"
THREE: fire ant bites, overeating occurances, animals that didn't rile my allergies thanks to Singulair
FOUR: "Talladega Nights" lines quoted, Amys involved (hey Budget Rental girl!), pelican photos taken to torment Double E, new friends made (shout out to Holly, Bonner, Rochelle & Jenny!), road trips taken, park visits
FIVE: golden rings (there weren't any good fives)
SIX: times we ran up and down the sidewalk to watch a building dance performance
SEVENTY TWELVE: dolphin spottings at Clarks in Port O'Connor
And I simply have to mention the swoonable food: garden burger combo with lemonade at P.Terrys, vegetarian Frito Pie at Shady Grove, a potatoey thing from Malaga, pecan pie a la mode at Shady Grove, cocktail sauce (on fried shrimp) at Clarks, slap-yo-momma-it's-so-good Indian at The Clay Pit, breakfast tacos & fried green tomatoes at that funny little diner where our server from Club DeVille was working, and a big ol' pile of Mexican consumed in Victoria.
The unfortunate downsides of all this frivolity: TSA taking my dilled green beans (BASTARDS!!), having to leave the Amys
So, that's about it. Need more? Want pictures? Go here!
BY THE NUMBERS
ONE: photos of Scott Foley spotted in a Ladue High yearbook which naturally makes me 3 degrees away from Jennifer Garner, Michael Jackson sing-a-longs attended, 1,000-year-old tree visited, professional massages received, Zilker Zephyr rides, outdoor showers taken
TWO: "live croaker" flags, laps swum in my beautiful new pool at LASR, deer leaping the fence in Lamar, watches of the Gladys Hardy phone call on "Ellen"
THREE: fire ant bites, overeating occurances, animals that didn't rile my allergies thanks to Singulair
FOUR: "Talladega Nights" lines quoted, Amys involved (hey Budget Rental girl!), pelican photos taken to torment Double E, new friends made (shout out to Holly, Bonner, Rochelle & Jenny!), road trips taken, park visits
FIVE: golden rings (there weren't any good fives)
SIX: times we ran up and down the sidewalk to watch a building dance performance
SEVENTY TWELVE: dolphin spottings at Clarks in Port O'Connor
And I simply have to mention the swoonable food: garden burger combo with lemonade at P.Terrys, vegetarian Frito Pie at Shady Grove, a potatoey thing from Malaga, pecan pie a la mode at Shady Grove, cocktail sauce (on fried shrimp) at Clarks, slap-yo-momma-it's-so-good Indian at The Clay Pit, breakfast tacos & fried green tomatoes at that funny little diner where our server from Club DeVille was working, and a big ol' pile of Mexican consumed in Victoria.
The unfortunate downsides of all this frivolity: TSA taking my dilled green beans (BASTARDS!!), having to leave the Amys
So, that's about it. Need more? Want pictures? Go here!
My Compliments To The Chef
He cooked up a great Texas vacation for me and soon...very soon...there will be details on said vacation. Until then, I'd like all the obviously deranged who fancy Jude Law and wouldn't hesitate if asked to make out with him to feast their eyes on these specimens illustrating exactly why Mr. Law will never be within 50 feet of me.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Irresponsible.
After a couple of long weeks at the office, we took a washer break today at lunch. You know, hoosier horseshoes? Anyway, we enjoyed a nice hour (or so) out at Tower Grove Park with some AB products and some fun in the sun. The problem? I got sunburned.
Whoops.
Whoops.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Stealing
Just like The Wife's list, I'm making a list of 100 favorite things. In order to not be unduly influenced by her list, I've slowly been thinking about these things while completely avoiding her blog. (I'm so succeptible to suggestion!)
Alexander McQueen's Scanners collection
Alice in Wonderland
Animal shows for children
Anthropologie
Antique maps
Aquavit
Audrey Hepburn
Aunt Dan & Lemon
Autumn
Balloons
Bid Me To Live
Birds walking
Blankets
Boats
Brock Samson
Braids
Brunch at Duff's
Carousels
Cheese pizza
Christmas tree smell
"Cinema Paradiso"
Cirque du Soleil
Clouds
Colored file folders
Condiment aisles at grocery stores
Edgar
Eels' "Electro-Shock Blues"
Egg salad
Fashion magazines
Field trips
Fireplaces
Fountain pens
Frank Gehry's carp
Games
Giving compliments
Glasses
Gregory Crewdson
Heartland Cafe in Chicago
High heels
High tea
The House of Mirth
Hula Hoops, the snack
Irish milk
Jaguar E-types
Jake's in Jamaica
Jean Shrimpton
John William Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott"
Libraries
Light blue and red
Lily of the Valley
Limeade
Lobster creole
London, England
Lucy Honeychurch
Martini glasses
Mashed potatoes
Maurizio Cattelan's "Bidibidobidiboo"
Medical books
Mix Tapes/CDs
Mosquito nets
Mr. Wayne Loui
My birthday
My grandmother's bedroom set
My iPod
My old wool gabardine J.Crew dress
Old photographs
Older people
Olympic fever
Orangutans
Picnics
Pool toy smell
The porch of the Grand Hotel
Pulp (band, not the noun)
Radiohead's "OK Computer"
Ribbons
Road trips
Roller coasters
Saturn
Saturn's moon Iapetus
Shalom Harlow
Sheldrick Wildlife Trust
Sleeping
Smithwick's
Snowy nights
Sofia Sparkling Wine
Steve Martin
The Sun Also Rises
Swimming
T.S. Eliot
Tangerines
Tea & Sympathy in NYC
Tea sets, especially my ocean creatures set
The Divine Comedy (the band, not the book)
The Scottish Arms
The Standard on Sunset in LA
Tom Collinses
"Twin Peaks"
Waves
Wings
Wood paneled rooms
Alexander McQueen's Scanners collection
Alice in Wonderland
Animal shows for children
Anthropologie
Antique maps
Aquavit
Audrey Hepburn
Aunt Dan & Lemon
Autumn
Balloons
Bid Me To Live
Birds walking
Blankets
Boats
Brock Samson
Braids
Brunch at Duff's
Carousels
Cheese pizza
Christmas tree smell
"Cinema Paradiso"
Cirque du Soleil
Clouds
Colored file folders
Condiment aisles at grocery stores
Edgar
Eels' "Electro-Shock Blues"
Egg salad
Fashion magazines
Field trips
Fireplaces
Fountain pens
Frank Gehry's carp
Games
Giving compliments
Glasses
Gregory Crewdson
Heartland Cafe in Chicago
High heels
High tea
The House of Mirth
Hula Hoops, the snack
Irish milk
Jaguar E-types
Jake's in Jamaica
Jean Shrimpton
John William Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott"
Libraries
Light blue and red
Lily of the Valley
Limeade
Lobster creole
London, England
Lucy Honeychurch
Martini glasses
Mashed potatoes
Maurizio Cattelan's "Bidibidobidiboo"
Medical books
Mix Tapes/CDs
Mosquito nets
Mr. Wayne Loui
My birthday
My grandmother's bedroom set
My iPod
My old wool gabardine J.Crew dress
Old photographs
Older people
Olympic fever
Orangutans
Picnics
Pool toy smell
The porch of the Grand Hotel
Pulp (band, not the noun)
Radiohead's "OK Computer"
Ribbons
Road trips
Roller coasters
Saturn
Saturn's moon Iapetus
Shalom Harlow
Sheldrick Wildlife Trust
Sleeping
Smithwick's
Snowy nights
Sofia Sparkling Wine
Steve Martin
The Sun Also Rises
Swimming
T.S. Eliot
Tangerines
Tea & Sympathy in NYC
Tea sets, especially my ocean creatures set
The Divine Comedy (the band, not the book)
The Scottish Arms
The Standard on Sunset in LA
Tom Collinses
"Twin Peaks"
Waves
Wings
Wood paneled rooms
Monday, June 04, 2007
Great. Now I have to like him.
Ben Affleck actually makes me wonder if maybe I've been wrong about him all along.
Plus, I watched "The Departed" this weekend and thought Leonardo DiCaprio did a great job in it, although the movie itself is pretty meh. And I also watched "Pride and Prejudice" and found myself really liking Keira Knightley. Not that I really didn't like either of those people, but never found reason to like them. Those performances, however, are making me think that maybe I should start embracing them too.
God. Let's hope Renee Zellweger doesn't pull any humanitarian/good acting stunts soon or I'm done for.
Plus, I watched "The Departed" this weekend and thought Leonardo DiCaprio did a great job in it, although the movie itself is pretty meh. And I also watched "Pride and Prejudice" and found myself really liking Keira Knightley. Not that I really didn't like either of those people, but never found reason to like them. Those performances, however, are making me think that maybe I should start embracing them too.
God. Let's hope Renee Zellweger doesn't pull any humanitarian/good acting stunts soon or I'm done for.
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