The Deep Questions Finally Answered

Okay, you six, I didn't think I was going to have to do this, but there's some folks out there that need to learn a few things.

1. Is the world flat?
No. The world is round. And if you need proof, read a freakin' book or better yet, ask a goddamn astronaut.

2. What's an astronaut?
That's a scientist who's been up into space - above the clouds and the airplanes and Jesus's fluffy palace - and has actually looked back toward the planet we live on and seen that it is in fact round shaped. Like a ball or a ball gag.

3. Is evolution real?
Yes. Evolution is real. We evolved from other life forms and we keep on evolving, well, most of us do. Some of us, like the doofus on "The View" are actually regressing, but that's okay because there's a thing called "natural selection".

4. What is natural selection?
Contrary to popular belief, this is not when you select your case of Natural Light. Natural selection is why the Darwin Awards were invented. It means that the fittest - both physically and mentally - will survive and the genetic makeup of those that don't measure up will be eliminated. And frankly, it can't happen soon enough.

5. Where is the island we can banish all the religious fools to so we can go on about our lives of thinking and ensmartening?
I wish I knew, children. I wish I knew.

Updates, Get Your Updates Here

Things I've Learned:

I am constantly typing the address for this site as "flogger.com". Fortunately, I catch it before I end up in some virtual S&M dungeon.

I do not have viral meningitis although it definitely seemed like I did. I even had to leave Marty's wedding early because I felt dead. But, apparently sleeping for 22 out of 48 hours will kill any disease you may have. Try it. You'll see.

I am in love with Campbell's Soup At Hand Creamy Tomato. I bought two the other day at Target and I'm thinking about having the second one in a few minutes...after I finish the first one. All the goodness of real creamy tomato soup without all the stirring and the stove!

Starbucks is okay with the fact that I don't bring my cup everyday. They agree that if I bring it 90% of the time it's better than bringing it 0% percent of the time. That makes me feel better.

I have Fall Fever. I want to wear all my fall clothes, at the same time, and can't stop staring at garments from J.Crew.

Things That Happened:

As mentioned previously, Prosecutor-to-the-Stars Marty got married. I really, really, really wanted to bring him a fish for his wedding like the one he got me for prom, but thought it might die while they were on their honeymoon. Perhaps later.


We went to The Scottish Arms. Again. Like that's a surprise.


Deke Dickerson was in town and played a delightful little show that kept me up WAY past my bedtime. And I got to see Ian from the old CWE Straub's field trips and Matt & Kim let us sit with them in the cold, cold out-of-doors.

And I guess that's about it. In between there I finished Season 5 of "Gilmore Girls" and am desperate for Season 6, I officially started the countdown to my birthday (14 more days!), started planning the "Arrested Development" post-birthday party, drove to Indianapolis and back for work, ate a shitton of Ranch dressing on a tostada pizza at CPK, hung out with the oldsters at the Little Sisters of the Poor, am gearing up to donate platelets, and did about 1000 other things that really won't matter in the long run.

Oh, I need to call the Bug Lady. And I am in the process of updating Flickr.

Notes On A Scandal

The scandal being that I haven't updated in over 10 days. Well, I'm sure you 6 have just been off enjoying the end of summer in your own special ways and haven't cared a lick. Which is as it should be. So, in order to keep you abreast of the activities and thoughts, I thought I'd just make one of those handy list posts so you can get back to your vodka-filled watermelons and your Slip 'n' Slides. So, here goes:

1. Went to the Montel Williams winery. I contend that this is the best winery in MO wine country because it has a fantastic view, it's never as crowded as the more well known joints, they have super yummy food, and I get to say "Mountain, get out of my way!" frequently in tribute to Montel's autobiography.


2. Droob came over to help me manage my iTunes, a task I had tried for hours to manage myself last weekend. Needless to say, whereas I was stumped at every turn (how did my current iTunes get on the external drive when I never put it there to begin with?), Drew was a few clicks away from solving the problem and entertained us during downloads with YouTube videos. I am a simpleton, but I am a simpleton with smart friends.

3. Kelly Sue and Matt were in for the day yesterday to sign their books and we popped in to drop off baby/mommy gifts and briefly visit. Our time together was all too brief, but it's always wonderful to see those two precious darlings (and the third soon to arrive!). Plus, I got to meet Steven Sanders! Plus, we got a great idea for the new friend soon to arrive!

4. Had a lovely time at The Oscar Party last night. There was a dining cage! A swimming pool! A vindictive hot tub! A non-functioning, yet highly distracting gas fire pit! And, of course, there was a set of the most comfy outdoor furniture ever made! Also, there was cheese for miles, lots of funny time, and Matt Ohlendorf so who could ask for more?

5. Had my 4th French lesson with Fanny! Comme d'habitude, when she speaks I pick up about 1/2 of what she's saying, but it's definitely fun and I'm definitely getting better with my pronunciation. After I get paid, I'm going to pick up some of these so I can practice a wee bit and, well, since the September issues will be out then, I might as well get this too. She's going on vacation for 2 weeks so it will be awhile before the next one but hopefully it will be just as raucous. Mon dieu! We were told by a cop to keep our volume down! How fantastique! Mon singe a les ruches!

And that's the highlights, lambs. Until next time, enjoy a BBQ'd tofu dog and think of me!

America, I Need You

Well, frankly, U.K., I need you indirectly. I've got mad love for a certain crisp of yours. It's, well, it's sublime, frankly, and I don't know how you people do it. You really have a gift with the potatoes. I know we make a ton of chips, but you people really did it right. And for all the efforts we've made to duplicate your life/society, we decided to make really shitty snackfoodz as our ultimate bugger off to the Queen. I feel this may have been the worst decision we could have made. So, what's this all about then? I NEED HULA HOOPS! I've looked online for them and christ the shipping is like, uh, $40. The actual foodstuff is only about $10. So, I appeal to you, former colony and current...uh...colony, help me get Hula Hoops. Find them online with relatively inexpensive shipping fees! Brits - stash them in boxes and mail them to me labeled "gift"! Or all 6 of you could fly over there returning with sacks of them, original flavor only, in return for the feeble entertainment I've given you through this humble blog (perhaps the least logical/economical option, but wouldn't you 6 have such fun together?)!

Here's what they look like:

100 Lies I've Never Told

A few years ago there was a thing called Delphi Forums that was all the rage with a certain set of my friends, both in person friends and friends I've only known online. We chatted about everything - movies, books, food - and there were a few great things that came out of those forums like "Simple Pleasures Hurley" and some other literary gems contributed by dozens of hilarious people that live all over the world. It was a simple system - one person would come up with a thread and all the forum members would contribute if they had something to say about that thread. And honestly, I checked those forums probably 10 times a day, reading all sorts of thoughts from all sorts of people.

One of those threads was "100 Lies I've Never Told". The idea was to write 100 lies you've never told about yourself and the more outlandish the better. Now some people on these forums were damn funny and I tried my best to keep up with them. Actually, they were brilliantly funny, wickedly witty, and incredibly insane (but in a good way). I posted my 100 and recently found a copy of them. So, now I'll share them with the 6 of you. I hope you enjoy them and Delphiers? Consider this a big shout out to all of you.

100 Lies I've Never Told

1. It used to be "Animal, Vegetable, or Amy". I made them change it because I felt self-conscious.
2. I was originally cast as KITT in "Knight Rider".
3. I'm raising Sea Monkeys in my spinal fluid.
4. The Pope and I get into heated games of Connect Four twice a month.
5. Once, after being angered beyond all limits, I shrunk the majestic broccoli tree into the vegetable we know today so that it might be eternally punished for its earlier wrong doings.
6. I was married to Barry Manilow for three glorious weeks. I called him "Banilow".
7. I fought in nine matches for the WWF as "The Butter Churn".
8. I've been immortalized as a bobblehead.
9. Onions don't make me cry.
10. "JAWS" is based on my life story.
11. My middle name is "Bitchslap".
12. "Oligarchy " is tattooed on the back of my neck.
13. I keep thousands of wolverines as pets.
14. Sometimes, while watching television, I can astral project into Ed Asner.
15. I am the Tooth Fairy.
16. I invented a teleportation device, but it was destroyed by the creators of "Dr. Who".
17. My liver is iron clad.
18. I am impervious to hair pulling.
19. My first job was Executive Assistant to LBJ where I was in charge of the shoe polishing machine.
20. I have smoked shitloads of crack.
21. And lived to tell about it.
22. Eight of the songs of Nick Cave were inspired by my relationship with a fruit bat.
23. I've licked three heads of state.
24. I can unbend pretzels with my mind.
25. It was my idea to almost entirely change the cast on "The Facts of Life".
26. However, I didn't have anything to do with the casting of Geri.
27. I make the patterns for snowflakes.
28. I was the inspiration for Donkey Kong.
29. Scathing articles about my sexual conquests regularly appear in European magazines.
30. I julienne fries.
31. I faked my death in 1984.
32. I invented the art of plate spinning.
33. I told Mr. T to get the mohawk.
34. I dream only of Abraham Lincoln sitting at the top of a short totem pole quietly repeating the lyrics of "Muskrat Love". All other dreams have been concocted to entertain.
35. My feet are way bigger than you think.
36. I am barred from traveling through Indiana thanks to comments made regarding their Daylight Savings Time policy.
37. I use eggplants to transport illicit drugs through the mail.
38. If I sit entirely still, I can pick up Danish radio stations with my eyelashes.
39. My father is Don Knotts.
40. My mom is really Omar Sharif in disguise. My REAL mom is Sandy Duncan.
41. I can hover three inches above any solid surface made entirely of aluminum.
42. I was Zamfir's mentor for four years.
43. Hole puncher? My idea.
44. I had a torrid affair with Cobi, the mascot of the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics.
45. I am Danielle Steele.
46. Before that I was the Gorton's Fisherman.
47. Before that I was Sherman Williams, but got sick of all the damn questions.
48. I cry wolf.
49. I hold the highest score ever recorded in Wack-A-Mole.
50. My skull was removed and replaced with layer upon layer of dried Elmer's Glue.
51. I used to work at the UN where I simultaneously translated in hula.
52. My Honda was made entirely of chewed Teaberry gum.
53. All the gum was chewed by Greg Norman and Robert Goulet.
54. On Palm Sunday, I can count cards legally.
55. I am covered in a thick, clear fur that can be seen under black light.
56. I sang the "hmmmmm" at the end of the closing theme song of "Diff'rent Strokes".
57. I was the first person to whimsically refer to Target as "Tar-zhay".
58. I keep angels in my left hand kitchen cabinet next to the Long John Silver's collectible glasses.
59. Fidel Castro and I have a long-running correspondence regarding one thing: the physics of the Thermos.
60. He writes his letters to me on vermicelli noodles.
61. I write his letters on grape seeds.
62. Each night before you fall asleep, I whisper the secrets of the Mayans in your ear.
63. I warned Eric Stoltz.
64. I was Jesse Ventura's Campaign Manager.
65. My first love is sumo wrestling.
66. Right before he went on stage I asked Kennedy, "Yeah, but what can my country do for me?"
67. I killed Erma Bombeck.
68. That is not a lie.
69. I've swum with moose.
70. I've also swum with Meese.
71. I protested until they started calling it Kraft CHEESE and Macaroni.
72. The sky is blue because I said so once.
73. My brother keeps Motley Crüe as his house pets.
74. They wet the floor if left alone for too long.
75. My only source of income is making wreaths for cow necks for Pongal.
76. I've been inside the Popemobile.
77. I can list all 50 states in descending order of Tang consumption.
78. I bought the Leaning Tower of Pisa with tulip bulbs in 1636, just before the tulip market crashed.
79. Cherry Coke comes out of all my faucets when the cold water is turned on.
80. I know where the beef is.
81. I'll tell you if you ask really nicely.
82. I came up with the concept of live bait vending machines.
83. I sleep on a mattress made entirely of devil's food cake.
84. "Keep on truckin'" was the first thing I said as a baby.
85. I named Djibouti, but they fucked up the spelling.
86. Carl Kasell lives in a tiny treasure chest at the foot of my bed.
87. I gave Janis Joplin her first bottle of SoCo.
88. This? Oh, that's nothing.
89. I know every duck joke ever told.
90. I am the girl in that McCurry photograph.
91. My heart is made of saffron.
92. I told Dali to make the Lobster Telephone.
93. Every line I've ever written has made someone, somewhere cry.
94. My real name is Annabel Lee.
95. I have a sixth sense - a sense of urgency.
96. Dale Chihuly gave me his eye a la Van Gogh.
97. I wear it in my hair.
98. I put the kaibosh on parachute pants.
99. I am going to rename all the planets after the Teletubbies next week.
100. I can escape it.

Ping-A-Ling

I just installed a sitemeter on this here deal because, well, I really don't know why but it seemed like everyone else had one so why not? Plus, uh, it's free.

The thing is, I'm a luddite when it comes to this crap and haven't a clue who/what/where/when/why/how people come to my blog save the people that know me (Hey you 6!). Apparently, this here sitemeter can tell you how these people got here beyond thinking, "That OAA, she's really somekindasomethin'. Let's see what she's up to, shall we?" So, how did they get here? Well, they searched for these things:

jami getz (alias for "The Lost Boys" star, obvs.)
gothic arsehole ("A.D." fan or misguided S&M devotee?)
chanice booty (I got nothin'.)
drink your juice shelby (!!!Please tell me you use this as often as I do, person in Georgia!!!)
spanish translation (stunning since the only thing I can do in Spanish is order at Taco Bell and ask for more shoes.)

Also, people are still getting to the OAA via my brother's blog despite the fact that it's been dormant lo these 8 months. So, with all this mania in mind, I'm going to add in some strange word combos that just might get me to come up in strange word combo searches here:

rickets in space
lime carriage
muffintop madness!
transgenerational directives
poodle scroodle
bubble and squeak (real thing, still a strange combo)
scoot hooters
boss of the bedclothes
Margaritaville City Councilman

So, let's see if those get me any pings!

It's Your Turn, America!

Now's your chance to make a decision that will impact the Abler archives for years to come! Should Henry title his slip sleeve of old birthday party negatives based on the antiquated name given by those not in touch with today's politically correct lifestyle or should he select one that fully illustrates just how far we as a nation have come and select my idea? It's your choice, America! Vote and make your voice heard!
(I cannot guarantee that said party will name said slip sleeve based on the poll's results, but you guys should be used to electoral disappointment by now.)

The Boat's Leaving, Karl

With your sanity, as evidenced by this photo op.

Y'see, dahlings, old Karl is now back on the Lohan tip and he's kookoo for kracked out headbands! This time 'round, it's Chanel's Cruise line, which is a real fashion season now, not just something you might book passage on to the Western Caribbean. So, Krazy Karl trotted out all his hottest items and high wattage fans for a fashion show in an airplane hangar. Let's take a peek inside, shall we?

Why there's too-famous-to-be-bothered Elisha Cuthbert! So chic in her purple neck brace, clutching her mismatched purple bag. Remind me, dear readers, what has she done besides that soft-core-porn-next-door film? And speaking of dubious celebs,

the lovely Camilla Belle had a teensy run-in with the gift wrapping department, but like the trooper she is, she made it to Karl's show!

Now I'm not really an Alba fan, nor am I an Alba dissenter, but I must come out and tell you, loves, that she looks simply delighful here considering the dregs with which she was surrounded. The dregs, OAA? Why yes, dears. We haven't even begun to barf over the fashion!

Case in point:

Yes, poodles, that's a man with roller skates 'round his neck with his track jacket tucked into his track pants. It's okay if you need to leave the room to laugh up your lunch. I already did. (Oooh! Perhaps this is Herr Karl's new diet plan! Laughing Up Lunches! He did this intentionally to keep us all from being chubby! Oh, thank you, Bewigged One!)

For the man who has everything already Bedazzled,

The Sequinned Bathrobe.


Lisa Cant totally got screwed on this show. Not only did she have to drag this doggie bag around for one exit, but for her other, she had to wear this:

SWEET CHRIST WHAT IS THAT?!? Those are open-toed shouchy boots! And are those cut-offs worn with Chanel's take on the formal baja? Are the shorts puking up those flaps from their waistline? Words...they fail me.

And you know it's bad when your favorite look was something so matchy-matchy, it makes even your mother a little queasy:


It seems even big-time-fancy-pants-cover-of-Vogue-Gemma-twin Sasha can't figure it out.

Each time I see this photo...and trust me, she's making this face in every one...I hear the "hruwuhhh?" sound Scooby-Doo made.


For more fashion induced bulimia/Chanel Cruise looks, check out Style.com from which all fashion show images emanate.

Speaking Of Maxie Dean...

Uh, why did no one tell me he was working with Emerald Nuts? Seriously. You 6 are really letting me down.

Check out the awesome Gouletness HERE!

Or, just make your own!

And Speaking Of Audrey...

I missed the "Twin Peaks" Season One DVD boat hoping there'd be a release of both seasons in one set and now it's $90. Season Two is available for a scant $36, but then I read things like this:

We've got a bit of an update for you today on CBS/Paramount's plans for David Lynch's Twin Peaks TV series on DVD in 2007. As most of you should know by now, the long-awaited Twin Peaks: The Second Season is already set to hit DVD on 4/10. Our sources are telling us that this release is designed for those who may already have Season One (released back in 2001 by Artisan/Republic) and the unaired pilot episode (released on DVD in Japan and available only as an import) on disc. However, for those of you who are patient and want it all in one shot... we're told to expect CBS/Paramount to announce a Twin Peaks: The Complete Series box set for release later in 2007 that contains both seasons AND the pilot episode, PLUS lots of newly-produced extras. Watch for details on the box set to be announced in the next few months.

from places like here: The Digital Bits

Now obviously the release date was incorrect, but is that really that important? So, all 6 of you, do I order Season Two and save my pennies for One or do I wait, potentially in vain, for the entire set? Do note that I have the VHS copies of everything that I bought years ago on eBay for $110. (Yes. You read that right.) So, vote away, and remember, the owls are not what they seem.