La SAG

SAG Awards. What an unfortunate combination of words.

Naturally, this, on the Road to the OSCARS, is the most important to "actors". This is when their peers really get to do the picking. And oh, it's an award to treasure because the base on that monster could kill. But who cares about who won, really? The OSCARS suck each and every year and it's boring and pathetic and no one should care who wins or loses because, as we all know, what counts in a world of wars and poverty is what everyone is wearing. That's what matters, people. And so, the SAG Awards.

Remember Geena Davis? Well, she never could dress herself and the fact that she's now playing the President isn't really helping. (As we all know, being savvy, in any department, isn't really a requirement for that job.) So, here she is. A vision in her Tribute to Dominos gown made by a crafty pair of Jamaicans obviously high on the ganj.

Oh, double sixes.
But let's take a different view, shall we?

Yes, it looks like those strips of dominos are the only thing keeping us from seeing her SAG Awards.

While we're on the black & white tip, Reese was boring and Portia was blah. Reesey looks a bit like a flouncy kitchen valance and Portia, who we all know is a fox, just played down all the pretty and went with an old Laura Ashley gown circa 1989.


But Charlize? Holy macaroni. That's a look and a dress. She's no buxom lady and she doesn't look like a drape or me at my Junior Ring dance. She looks phine and that's better than fine 'cuz it's with a "ph", yo.

And another thing about Theron. She looks normal. Healthy. Pretty. Not sickly, skinny, wee a la that girl from that boring "doctors in relationships" show with the annoying voiceover diary entries. Proof? Here.

That dress has to have some sort of iron construction if it's staying up on that stick-figure-with-wig. I know we went through this with The Flockhart, but honestly, it's disgusting. Charlize, hands-down, is the only one whose photo you've seen in this post that you want to make out with because she's dressed well and looks like she could take it without her head snapping off her pencil-thin neck.

And there was more glamah and horror (Hathaway, I'm looking in your direction), but that's the SAGs in a nutshell. So, next up is the big one. Will Reese wear Chanel? Will Geena wear Pick-Up-Sticks? Only time will tell, darlings, but noms are out tomorrow and we'll soon know who to laugh at.

Art Vs. Life

Since I'm hopelessly addicted to "Arrested Development" and needed to catch up on all the Season 3 episodes before they injustly take it away from me and leave me with tripe like "Skating with the (Washed-up) Stars" and "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Boobs See Ghosts!", I've recently seen all the Rita episodes. While watching this character, I started noticing some similarities.

1. She likes singing along to "kids music" and I constantly seem to hum "O Tannenbaum" without reason or notice which is a Christmas song and we all know Christmas is for kids.
2. She wears a coon skin cap. I wear a rabbit fur hat in the winter that makes me look like the redheaded stepchild of Meriweather Lewis and Marge Gunderson.
3. She likes to ride the spaceship at Fat Ammy's. I like to ride the carousel at the Zoo, at the Butterfly House, and at West County Mall, but especially at the Zoo. You can ride a capybara!
4. She wants to go home to get her "tiny teddy" when Michael asks her to sleep over. I immediately thought of a teddy bear, which is what she was really after.

I'm not sure what this says about my mental state, but I've never worn anything inside out which may be my saving grace from being forced to wear a MR F ID bracelet.

Amy's Daily Score

I think most actions I complete during the course of a normal day could be backed by the music of Django Reinhardt, especially driving.

Delightful Discourse

My sweet lovers of language and linguistics, I tempt you with the link below. Like Carroll, the author writes in ways you ne'er expect, and yet he writes not of Jabberwocks and brilligs, but of English, plain and simple (or rather muddled and confusing)!

Tear or Tear?

Chanel! Joo gots some esplainin' to doo!

Heh. I thought that dress looked to recent to be vintage. But then, I still wear things I wore in high school back in1991 so what do I know.

Lagerfeld Languishes Over Witherspoon Whoops

Golden Globs

I think there was lace peeking out from beneath Reese's pinafore. You know, the one she put on under the cut-too-short-metal-stripper-shirt thing. I know it's vintage Chanel, but just 'cuz it's old don't make it right.

Thankfully, she looked like a normal sized person. That Ellen girl from that boring/pandering "Grey's Anatomy" show looked like she was covering up the fact that the caterer had used her ribs to grate cheese before the ceremony and she still had a few flakes of parmesean she just couldn't brush off. I do so wish that "prominent collarbone" wasn't the accessory du jour for America's youngish starlets.

Johnny Depp, we get it. You're quirky and eccentric and love France way more than the bumblefords that make up America. We know. But, honestly, I can't imagine that the look spawned by "Swingers" is still popular in Paris. I just don't believe that across the 14 arrondisement you can still hear "Vegas, baby. Vegas." being uttered.

Thank the heavens this is the last of "Will & Grace".

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Drug abuse is so funny. That's why "Walk The Line" was nominated in the musical/comedy category, right? Right? Or did June just bust out into song at inappropriate moments? I haven't seen it, but I'm looking forward to elaborately choreographed dance numbers and hearty belly laughs!

The Little Caboose That Could

Woefully behind on house updates, I think it's time I 'splained what's what.

LIVING ROOM - Painted - ceiling and walls - Snow Ballet and Moonlit Snow (I sense a theme). New awesome TV purchased. Gas logs installed (I now want real logs - always want what I can't have). TO DO: strip and paint doors and surrounds, new window treatment, paint bookcase.

DINING ROOM - Painted - ceiling and walls, same colors. Light hung. Sideboard painted. TO DO: stripe in floor, new dining room table, light switch.

KITCHEN - Cabinets installed. Floor laid. Ordered countertops. New light installed. TO DO: build pantry, paint cabinets, grout floor, all the stuff Matt's doing that we can't, buy glass for upper cabinet doors.

OFFICE - Ugh. TO DO: shelves, rearrange, move out glass cabinets, paint walls/ceiling, new ceiling fan, paint bookcases.

BATHROOM - Whoa. TO DO: well, considering it's just studs and insulation, everything.

MY ROOM - Sigh. TO DO: sand walls, paint, install new fan, buy mattress, make Vietnamese colonial.

And I want this done by February. Looking at it this way makes me so incredibly nervous that I think I'll go home and start one of the bookcases right now.

The Smackdown

I hate people that make people I love angry. I also hate people who are insensitive bitches. I also think there are a lot of people in this world that need to get off their fucking high horse. No, make that "need to be smacked off". I hate stupid and rude and ignorant and incompetent. Self-righteous, superscillious, and super obnoxious fall in that category. But mostly I hate knowing there are people out there that can be so brain dead as to not think about the feelings and needs of another person in their same situation. Before hogging the last of the trail mix, bitches, how about sharing it with others.

May you rot in discount shoe hell, you evil pizza ordering whores.

Askin' The Deep Questions So You Don't Have To

What ever became of those two white girls in the Sir Mix-A-Lot "Baby Got Back" video? I did a brief search hoping to find some insight into the "UHMUHGAWH" chickies and turned up nothing even remotely related to the two. If you're out there, honkeys, holla.

On a disturbing side note, this came up in the sidebar Google ad area:
Infant Girls White
Great Savings of 10% - 20% Online
Shop Target.com
www.Target.com
Who knew one could not only purchase a white girl at Target, but even better, they're marked down for you online shoppers.

Hasidic Reggae Is Sweeping The Nation

Matisyahu

I have the Live at Stubb's CD in my possession (thank you Jason via Michael Haskins) and honestly, this is something you need. It's nearly impossible to describe, but you should be aware that it's all awesome. When I listen to this, I think of Matt Fraction dancing. I've never seen Matt Fraction dance, really, but I just have this distinct feeling he'd get into shakin' his moneymaker to Hasidic Reggae.

Uberlist?

If you know what I'm talking about, I'm woefully behind on this. And when it's done, I will post it so I, and all 6 of you, can help me track my progress. The only thing I'm sad about is no Disgruntled Housewife calendar to help me keep track.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a list of 106 things to do in 2006 and it's not nearly as easy as it sounds. Getting about half done is really an admirable pursuit. I challenge all 6 of you to make a list and see how you're doing in three, six, nine, and twelve months.

Be sure to put some gimmes on that list of 106. Trust me.

Download Overload

Some darlings in Texas gave me a $50 gift card to iTunes for Christmas and over the holiday weekend I was stuck in front of the computer trying to decide how to spend it. 50 songs? 5 CDs? All of Carla Bruni's French language album or just a couple of bon mots for now? How much Spoon does one really need? I was in a quandry, to be sure. But, after a spate of self-doubt and taking notes on which Leonard Cohen songs should be in one's collection, I finally gave in and dove in. Here's a small sampling of those that made the cut:

La Mer - Django Reinhardt
All We Are - Fischerspooner
The Divine Comedy's "Absent Friends"
I Predict A Riot - Kaiser Chiefs
Galang - M.I.A.
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' - Michael Jackson
The Gambler - Michael Doughty
Rosie Thomas' "If Songs Could Be Held"
Lose Yourself - Eminem (!?!)
One Night In Bangkok - Murray Head
Goin' Back To Cali - L.L. Cool J

Yep. Just a usual day on the old iTunes.

The Customer's Always Right, Right?

Now, I'm perfectly aware that there are distinctions in the world. I realize that I am not the smartest, the prettiest, the bestest, but I try to hold my own in a lot of categories. One of those categories is knowing what's right and what's wrong. Sure, I've stolen things. Yes, I lie on occasion. But when it comes down to things that can seriously impact me, like murder or copyright infringement or something, I know exactly where to draw the line and I try to do it not only for myself, but also for others who may look to me for advice.

I tried to convey these distinctions as best I could to a client recently. They pretty much dismissed my protestations, ostensibly telling me I was incompetent, and that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Naturally, now my secret wish is that the mole living in that hill is vengefully litigious and has a pack of high-priced lawyers at his beck and call.