Hi T-Roy

My work pal at another company, T-Roy Cabana Boy, asked me about Mardi Gras. This is what I had to say:

I was at Barnes Hospital donating platelets with Henry for most of the afternoon. Then we ran errands at Target, had dinner with my family at Frank & Helen’s, and went home and watched the Olympics. Throughout, we remained free from the tyranny of Mardi Gras. But there was public urination in my presence. At Barnes, we forgot our DVD of “Arrested Development” so I ran out to the car to get it while Henry was getting checked in and lo, 5 obnoxious 20-somethings alighted from an SUV and one proceeded to relieve himself on a supporting pillar. I yelled at them, but they seemed unconcerned. But Henry, the pheresis nurses, and I were all roundly disgusted.

He seemed to enjoy it so I thought I'd share with the other 6 of you. As you can see, Henry and I are PARTY ANIMALS!!!

Globetrotting With The Slutty Creeker

So Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger want to move to Amsterdam or Greece or somewhere, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and brood want to move to Paris, Georgy Boy Clooney already has a joint in Italy, and celebrities all over the nation - large or small - are seeking refuge on foreign soil.

Here's my big question. Why'd you become a celebrity in the first place? And don't say it's because you love your art. If you were in "Ocean's 12", you wouldn't know your art if it hit you square in the face. Don't try to pander to our delicate sensibilities and say it's because you simply can't live without acting. I know there are people out there who actually feel that way and aren't snapped leaving the grocery store.

So, now that you're a celebrity (and I still don't consider Michelle Williams a celebrity. Just because you were the slutty Creeker and you were barely in a boring Ang Lee movie does not you a celebrity make.) you can just pick up and pull a Depp and hide? Okay. That's fine. But note this:
I've never seen more Brangelina photos on gossip sites since they've been in gay Paree.
The "watergunning" that nearly provoked the Ledge to fisticuffs was not in America.

Here's a general rule of thumb for all those striving to lead a personal life: if you stay away from the media, they stay away from you. Matt Damon. What's he up to? I don't know. Charlize Theron? Got me. What about the day-to-day looks of one Ms. Barbra Streisand? Couldn't elaborate. And for that matter, what's keeping the Cloon busy when it's not award season? I'm stumped. You know why? They don't go to the Ivy, they don't hang around with a Lohan or a Hilton, they aren't constantly putting themselves out there and making a scene. Sure a case could be made that AngeliBrad ran off to Africa and still got snapped, but they were part of a big ol' break up at the time and the people, they want to know. And I suppose there are spottings of other celebs all over Gawker.com and Defamer.com. But, unfortunately, that's why you are a celebrity. You want people to be in your bidness - to come to your movie, to watch your TV show, to take an interest in your career. It's called a Q Score and if you want that moment on Oprah's lounge chair, you gotta put up with a little tabloid nonsense.

So Michelle "Not A Celebrity" Williams, if you don't want the intrusion, ditch the passport and be a CPA.

Thoughts On A 13th

1. Joey Lawrence is in a commercial saying "whoa" and all is retro with the world.

2. I have the fever. The Olympic Fever. Georg Hackl let me down, Pommodoro Volante didn't and I hope he meets Sasha Cohen, cross-country skiing looks just short of impossible, I really think I could ski jump if given the chance, Apollo Ohno is a jackass, I feel bad for Michelle Kwan despite some people's belief that figure skating isn't a sport, I've been trying to hold the speed skating stance for a full minute each day and it's tough, I think the Burton snowboard uniforms look like a cross between pimp wear and prison uniforms and are unflattering to whitey, and I can never get enough Bob Costas.

3. There is a prairie dog vacuum that sucks the little friends up into a truck so they can be relocated. Honest.

4. Missed "Bleak House" again last night and suppose I'll just have to suck it up and read the book.

5. I'd like to start a "Send Amy To Thailand" fund so I could go see the Asian elephants and help them reclaim their habitat, I'd like to start a "Send Amy To Nursing School" fund so I could join Doctors Without Borders, I'd like to start a "Send Amy To Indonesia" fund so I could work in orangutan conservation, but I'm afraid I'd be too heartbroken as a result of my efforts.

6. If I don't get a stove soon, I might go ape. I just want to make some pasta, for chrissakes! Is that too ridiculous a request!?!

7. Alternately too busy and too lazy to actually post anything worth a damn, but I'll say this - Marc Jacobs is mind-boggingly overrated.

A Furry Vegetarian?

To respond to Douglas' comment:

Yeah. I am a vegetarian. And I'd never buy anything made of fur. But part of my take on vegetarianism is "no animal in vain" so I rescued the hat from being tossed at a video shoot 4 years ago and I saved a fur coat from a real bitch who had it in a trash bag in her closet. The coat's name is Milton and he's appeared in two movies! Supahstah!

Long story, but if they died for someone's warped fashion sense, I think their remaining furriness should be treated with respect.

It's convoluted OAA logic, to be sure, but they're both my little darlings and I think the rabbit and the whatever-animal-Milton-was would appreciate it.

Classic Matchups

We all know the Shark v. Bear contest (I think shark wins), but what about these new pairings of violence? How 'bout it, America? Who wins?

Chimpanzee v. Koala

Silverback Lowland Gorilla v. Grizzly Bear

Hippo v. Shark

Place your bets for the ultimate fighting experience!

Au Revoir, Mon Greenspan

You served us well.