Things, They Happen

List of things that have happened recently, noteworthy or otherwise.

1. Finished watching season 3 of "Deadwood" and would like to issue the following hearty letter to the folks at HBO:

Dear Folks at HBO,

Please don't consider this a threat, but if you don't make/air/package/deliver to me those "Deadwood" movies you promised, I will come out there, I will determine just which toothbrush is yours, and I will drop said toothbrush into the nearest toilet. I will then replace that toothbrush to its original location and you will be brushing your teeth from then on with toilet-tainted toothbrushes. And that's just the start of my subtle abuse of your persons.

How you could take THIS away from me is unconscionable.

Sincerely,
OAA

2. I just crammed 13 grapes in my mouth. The key to cramming grapes is to invite people who are not prone to fits of the giggles to watch you as inviting others that do just might lead to the Heimlich.

3. Today my client called Abe Vigoda a "sexy bitch". And really, I have to agree.

4. Fletcher: I bet that waterfall at that cave pool is really spectacular right now.

5. Words I need to start using more: boffo, elemental, verve, spelunk, capitulate.

6. I recently finished reading The Glass Castle which was really good but the title constantly reminds me of that boffo episode of "Arrested Development" in which David Cross instructs the Cockney cabbie to take him to "The Gothic Castle" which he hears as "The Gothic Arsehole" which is, in fact, a very gay bar. As a result, The Glass Castle always becomes The Glass Arsehole in my mind. And I picture David Cross in his leather daddy gear.

And that about sums it up.

Look At Him...Sittin' On That Stool Like He's Doin' It A Favor

The best entire SNL episode ever? Why, I vote April 21st, 1990!

Somewhere, that baby's still on tape just waiting for me to unearth it and share it with the world. But until then, you'll have to tide yourselves over with this audio-challenged vid of one of my favorite sketches featuring host Alec Baldwin and Jan Hooks.

This Is Still One Of My Favorite Pieces Of Advice

Our copywriter at work told me this story and it's still one of my all-time favorites. He heard this little gem outside on the sidewalk one day while eavesdropping on an older man laying down the knowledge to a younger dude:

"See, you don't need to be carryin' no gun. What you need to do, is carry a snake. Say a guy pulls a gun on you--you throw a snake at him. What's he gonna do? He's gonna run, that's what he'll do. And he'll probably drop the gun. Ya see, there's just some things people is scared of. And snakes is one of 'em."

Truth.

It's Your Turn, America!

Now's your chance to make a decision that will impact the Abler archives for years to come! Should Henry title his slip sleeve of old birthday party negatives based on the antiquated name given by those not in touch with today's politically correct lifestyle or should he select one that fully illustrates just how far we as a nation have come and select my idea? It's your choice, America! Vote and make your voice heard!
(I cannot guarantee that said party will name said slip sleeve based on the poll's results, but you guys should be used to electoral disappointment by now.)

Amy Tour Of Texas: My Hair Hurts And Keep Your Hands Off My Geegaws!

So, as some of you may know, I just took a vacation to Texas to visit two lovely girls - both named Amy. This certainly makes for a fun trip as both are Amy Katherines and both are sheer delights and dear friends. Most of the time was spent reminiscing and talking for hours and hours, but since that certainly doesn't make for an interesting blog post, I thought it might be good to share a bit of the exciting aspects of the tour.

BY THE NUMBERS
ONE: photos of Scott Foley spotted in a Ladue High yearbook which naturally makes me 3 degrees away from Jennifer Garner, Michael Jackson sing-a-longs attended, 1,000-year-old tree visited, professional massages received, Zilker Zephyr rides, outdoor showers taken
TWO: "live croaker" flags, laps swum in my beautiful new pool at LASR, deer leaping the fence in Lamar, watches of the Gladys Hardy phone call on "Ellen"
THREE: fire ant bites, overeating occurances, animals that didn't rile my allergies thanks to Singulair
FOUR: "Talladega Nights" lines quoted, Amys involved (hey Budget Rental girl!), pelican photos taken to torment Double E, new friends made (shout out to Holly, Bonner, Rochelle & Jenny!), road trips taken, park visits
FIVE: golden rings (there weren't any good fives)
SIX: times we ran up and down the sidewalk to watch a building dance performance
SEVENTY TWELVE: dolphin spottings at Clarks in Port O'Connor

And I simply have to mention the swoonable food: garden burger combo with lemonade at P.Terrys, vegetarian Frito Pie at Shady Grove, a potatoey thing from Malaga, pecan pie a la mode at Shady Grove, cocktail sauce (on fried shrimp) at Clarks, slap-yo-momma-it's-so-good Indian at The Clay Pit, breakfast tacos & fried green tomatoes at that funny little diner where our server from Club DeVille was working, and a big ol' pile of Mexican consumed in Victoria.

The unfortunate downsides of all this frivolity: TSA taking my dilled green beans (BASTARDS!!), having to leave the Amys

So, that's about it. Need more? Want pictures? Go here!

My Compliments To The Chef

He cooked up a great Texas vacation for me and soon...very soon...there will be details on said vacation. Until then, I'd like all the obviously deranged who fancy Jude Law and wouldn't hesitate if asked to make out with him to feast their eyes on these specimens illustrating exactly why Mr. Law will never be within 50 feet of me.

Irresponsible.

After a couple of long weeks at the office, we took a washer break today at lunch. You know, hoosier horseshoes? Anyway, we enjoyed a nice hour (or so) out at Tower Grove Park with some AB products and some fun in the sun. The problem? I got sunburned.

Whoops.

Stealing

Just like The Wife's list, I'm making a list of 100 favorite things. In order to not be unduly influenced by her list, I've slowly been thinking about these things while completely avoiding her blog. (I'm so succeptible to suggestion!)

Alexander McQueen's Scanners collection
Alice in Wonderland
Animal shows for children
Anthropologie
Antique maps
Aquavit
Audrey Hepburn
Aunt Dan & Lemon
Autumn
Balloons
Bid Me To Live
Birds walking
Blankets
Boats
Brock Samson
Braids
Brunch at Duff's
Carousels
Cheese pizza
Christmas tree smell
"Cinema Paradiso"
Cirque du Soleil
Clouds
Colored file folders
Condiment aisles at grocery stores
Edgar
Eels' "Electro-Shock Blues"
Egg salad
Fashion magazines
Field trips
Fireplaces
Fountain pens
Frank Gehry's carp
Games
Giving compliments
Glasses
Gregory Crewdson
Heartland Cafe in Chicago
High heels
High tea
The House of Mirth
Hula Hoops, the snack
Irish milk
Jaguar E-types
Jake's in Jamaica
Jean Shrimpton
John William Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott"
Libraries
Light blue and red
Lily of the Valley
Limeade
Lobster creole
London, England
Lucy Honeychurch
Martini glasses
Mashed potatoes
Maurizio Cattelan's "Bidibidobidiboo"
Medical books
Mix Tapes/CDs
Mosquito nets
Mr. Wayne Loui
My birthday
My grandmother's bedroom set
My iPod
My old wool gabardine J.Crew dress
Old photographs
Older people
Olympic fever
Orangutans
Picnics
Pool toy smell
The porch of the Grand Hotel
Pulp (band, not the noun)
Radiohead's "OK Computer"
Ribbons
Road trips
Roller coasters
Saturn
Saturn's moon Iapetus
Shalom Harlow
Sheldrick Wildlife Trust
Sleeping
Smithwick's
Snowy nights
Sofia Sparkling Wine
Steve Martin
The Sun Also Rises
Swimming
T.S. Eliot
Tangerines
Tea & Sympathy in NYC
Tea sets, especially my ocean creatures set
The Divine Comedy (the band, not the book)
The Scottish Arms
The Standard on Sunset in LA
Tom Collinses
"Twin Peaks"
Waves
Wings
Wood paneled rooms

Great. Now I have to like him.

Ben Affleck actually makes me wonder if maybe I've been wrong about him all along.

Plus, I watched "The Departed" this weekend and thought Leonardo DiCaprio did a great job in it, although the movie itself is pretty meh. And I also watched "Pride and Prejudice" and found myself really liking Keira Knightley. Not that I really didn't like either of those people, but never found reason to like them. Those performances, however, are making me think that maybe I should start embracing them too.

God. Let's hope Renee Zellweger doesn't pull any humanitarian/good acting stunts soon or I'm done for.