Last week on "Today" which was blissfully Couric-free, they did an "in-depth" report on this new phenomenon sweeping the nation known as the "girl crush". Now, these girls aren't in LOVE with the objects of their crushing - heavens, no! They are just infatuated with their impeccable style or their really neat hair or the way they run their household or something. In love?...bah. The girl crush is just the idolization of someone you aspire to be someday! Yeah! That's it! And it's new! All new! America's just invented this!
I laughed the whole way through. They trotted out some "experts" and most of the interview was led by Lauer who (ha ha ha) has had girl crushes before and it just seemed so corny and so "we're liberated now because Sarah Jessica Parker had a show where girls talked about liking other girls and stuff but they weren't gay so, you know". It was so patronizing and cheezy and most of the "on the street" girls had crushes on their best friends who they know really well and they're such neat women and like wow.
As you may have guessed, I really hated this report. The girl crush isn't on people you're best friends with. No, dear. That's just admiration and years of mutual support and lots of things in common and LOVE, not crushings. Crushes are when you see a girl and she's so pretty you have to just sneak another peek. Crushes are when you can't really talk to the girl because they wrote some brilliant short story or painted that amazing picture or dedicated their life to a cause. Crushes are on people you're afraid to look the fool in front of because they have this amazing command of the language so you skate around issues and talk innocuously about the weather and the like. It's how you were around boys when you were in high school and yeah, news flash, you may actually be attracted to that person. And you know what, that's okay. Your boyfriend's not going to leave you, you don't have to ask your parents to attend PFLAG meetings, you do not have to start watching "The L Word" (it's not that good anyway), and above all, you're not gay because you like some girl. So, Matt Lauer, you may know just a hint about psychiatry, but you don't know anything about real girl crushes.
A Small Sampling of OAA's Girl Crushes
Dr. Ferrari
Jane Goodall
Shalom Harlow
Natalie Coughlin
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Gave Me A Pear, Started Sprayin' Her Hair, And Showed Me A Photo Of Ritchie Sambora
"Now his girlfriend's cute but I can't look ovah 'cuz it might start an ugly rumah.
If he hears loose tawlk, 'round my body they'll draw chalk. He's like Andrew Dice Clay witout a sense of humah."
I wish I could unearth my 1989 VHS copy of Colin Quinn's "Goin' Back To Brooklyn" but I haven't seen it since...oh...1989.
Where have you gone, my comedy gem!?!
If he hears loose tawlk, 'round my body they'll draw chalk. He's like Andrew Dice Clay witout a sense of humah."
I wish I could unearth my 1989 VHS copy of Colin Quinn's "Goin' Back To Brooklyn" but I haven't seen it since...oh...1989.
Where have you gone, my comedy gem!?!
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Creative Hearing, Part 2
In reference to Sawyer kicking Jin on "Lost":
Amy's hearing: "That was a wee cake."
What Henry really said: "That was a weak kick."
In reference to a message destined to Marcia.
Amy's hearing: "I have a booger keeper."
What Bianca really said: "I have a note for the bookkeeper."
What will she hear next? Stay tuned.
Amy's hearing: "That was a wee cake."
What Henry really said: "That was a weak kick."
In reference to a message destined to Marcia.
Amy's hearing: "I have a booger keeper."
What Bianca really said: "I have a note for the bookkeeper."
What will she hear next? Stay tuned.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Rotten Youth of America
Dear Girl Exiting the St. Louis Bread Co.,
Hi. You may not have noticed me as I held the door open for you, but I sure did notice you! You were walking at normal speed, sure that I would open the door to allow you to pass, and since I'm a nice girl, I did indeed open that door. That's when you breezed out like royalty and completely ignored innocent ol' me. Well, you may have ignored me, sister, but I got a good look at you.
Nice gym shorts. And, child, I would have been haughty were I dressed to kill in McQueen, but you, my dear, were attired in a ratty tee and the aforementioned gymwear. No makeup or hair to speak of, and believe me, cherie, that was a risk. Yet, with all this working against you, you still had the nerve to act like the world owed you that opened door. You sauntered out like you were leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake, but in reality, little one, you were being trailed by what looked like refugees from a sale at Goodwill who kindly thanked me (and please note they were of your age group and were probably in your class).
Speaking of class, by the location and your attire, I'd guess you were a student at a local girl's Catholic high school. Just a note on your academy of higher learning: when I was selecting my school, I passed over yours because on the tour they chose to highlight the fact that home economics was required. Ahh...that's class.
So, you little twerp, next time you act like a bitch, don't be surprised if I'm there to trip you.
Sincerely,
OAA
(Dear readers - she totally deserved this to her face, but I had to get back upstairs to work.)
Hi. You may not have noticed me as I held the door open for you, but I sure did notice you! You were walking at normal speed, sure that I would open the door to allow you to pass, and since I'm a nice girl, I did indeed open that door. That's when you breezed out like royalty and completely ignored innocent ol' me. Well, you may have ignored me, sister, but I got a good look at you.
Nice gym shorts. And, child, I would have been haughty were I dressed to kill in McQueen, but you, my dear, were attired in a ratty tee and the aforementioned gymwear. No makeup or hair to speak of, and believe me, cherie, that was a risk. Yet, with all this working against you, you still had the nerve to act like the world owed you that opened door. You sauntered out like you were leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake, but in reality, little one, you were being trailed by what looked like refugees from a sale at Goodwill who kindly thanked me (and please note they were of your age group and were probably in your class).
Speaking of class, by the location and your attire, I'd guess you were a student at a local girl's Catholic high school. Just a note on your academy of higher learning: when I was selecting my school, I passed over yours because on the tour they chose to highlight the fact that home economics was required. Ahh...that's class.
So, you little twerp, next time you act like a bitch, don't be surprised if I'm there to trip you.
Sincerely,
OAA
(Dear readers - she totally deserved this to her face, but I had to get back upstairs to work.)
Monday, August 22, 2005
Creative Hearing Part 1
I have this thing. I claim it's Creative Hearing because back when I had a ringing in my ears and had an audiologist test my hearing, I passed with flying colors so, obviously, it's not a huge back-up of wax or too many nights at MU330 shows during my formative years. But regardless, I don't hear well. I hear things I THINK you said perfectly, but usually that's not anywhere NEAR what you actually said. Sometimes this makes me laugh like a hyena. Case in point: Saturday night.
Henry, Tina, and I all go see "Wedding Crashers" at the Chase. Not a terrible movie. A little lagging at times and I really wanted to cut Owen Wilson's hair, but that Rachel McAdams has a good Jennifer-Garner-minus-Ben-Affleck thing going so it wasn't a total loss. After it was over and we were separated while wending our way out of the theater, Tina caught me and quietly said she was going to the bathroom. Common. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Except I heard, "Look, there's Mothra." And I looked. And then realized what she really said, and realized I was obviously nuts for looking down the lobby expecting to see Mothra, and then I started laughing. And when I say "laughing" I mean uncontrollable, eye-tearing, occasionally snorting, face-turning-red laughing. And since she had no idea I had thought this because she was well on her way to the bathroom when it all dawned on me, I was standing there alone, in this state, as people spilled out of the theater.
When Henry finally found me, I was laughing too hard to even fully tell him the story so he gave up and went to the bathroom. And that just brought it all back so I was laughing hysterically alone again.
And this happens all the time - maybe not all that laughing, but definitely all that Creative Hearing thing. So, when it does, I'll be sure to let you know. And if you see Mothra at the movies, tell him I said hello.
Henry, Tina, and I all go see "Wedding Crashers" at the Chase. Not a terrible movie. A little lagging at times and I really wanted to cut Owen Wilson's hair, but that Rachel McAdams has a good Jennifer-Garner-minus-Ben-Affleck thing going so it wasn't a total loss. After it was over and we were separated while wending our way out of the theater, Tina caught me and quietly said she was going to the bathroom. Common. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Except I heard, "Look, there's Mothra." And I looked. And then realized what she really said, and realized I was obviously nuts for looking down the lobby expecting to see Mothra, and then I started laughing. And when I say "laughing" I mean uncontrollable, eye-tearing, occasionally snorting, face-turning-red laughing. And since she had no idea I had thought this because she was well on her way to the bathroom when it all dawned on me, I was standing there alone, in this state, as people spilled out of the theater.
When Henry finally found me, I was laughing too hard to even fully tell him the story so he gave up and went to the bathroom. And that just brought it all back so I was laughing hysterically alone again.
And this happens all the time - maybe not all that laughing, but definitely all that Creative Hearing thing. So, when it does, I'll be sure to let you know. And if you see Mothra at the movies, tell him I said hello.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Auto Oddicism
Why did someone approve of using the "What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor" tune as background music in the Toyota Time commercial?
And while I'm on the subject, Lee Iacocca and Snoop Dogg?
And while I'm on the subject, Lee Iacocca and Snoop Dogg?
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Fun OAA Facts
I like it when people are nice for no reason.
I like it when older ladies have long grey hair.
I like rainstorms.
I still think Harry Connick, Jr. is cute.
I don't like jeans that don't fit at home despite the fact that they seemed to fit in the store.
I like swimming laps, but I don't like goggle eyeball marks.
I like driving down streets to see neighborhoods I've simply driven past previously.
I think baseball games are only fun at the stadium. Otherwise they're just too long.
I am currently fascinated by birds.
I like balloons.
I like Baby Ruth candy bars.
I don't think "Will & Grace" is generally funny. But then, I hate shows with excessive laugh tracking.
I don't like those "we're for dogs"/"we're for puppies" commercials because I am allergic to dogs and want one really a whole lot.
I like sweet tea.
I like words, but sometomes don't like what they mean.
I wish I could have my cake and eat it too.
I like it when older ladies have long grey hair.
I like rainstorms.
I still think Harry Connick, Jr. is cute.
I don't like jeans that don't fit at home despite the fact that they seemed to fit in the store.
I like swimming laps, but I don't like goggle eyeball marks.
I like driving down streets to see neighborhoods I've simply driven past previously.
I think baseball games are only fun at the stadium. Otherwise they're just too long.
I am currently fascinated by birds.
I like balloons.
I like Baby Ruth candy bars.
I don't think "Will & Grace" is generally funny. But then, I hate shows with excessive laugh tracking.
I don't like those "we're for dogs"/"we're for puppies" commercials because I am allergic to dogs and want one really a whole lot.
I like sweet tea.
I like words, but sometomes don't like what they mean.
I wish I could have my cake and eat it too.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Danielle the Amazing
I have great friends. Seriously. They do amazing things like train for triathlons and adopt babies and foster homeless dogs and make movies and great mix CDs and know just what to say when it's needed and they are all selfless, helpful, intelligent, beautiful, funny, talented, and kind. And that was proven again yesterday when I got a cross stitch sampler from Danielle, definitely a possessor of all that's good in the world. It's hilarious and so sweet and...did I mention hilarious? I am so enamored with it that I've brought it to work today to show off to people I've known for a month because I think it's that freakin' great. I love her and her amazing ability to make me the happiest girl in town. It's people like her that make me glad the internet exists because without it, I'd never have been able to call her my friend.
I love you, Danielle.
(And if I had a digital camera handy and knew how to get a photo on this blog, I'd share my sampler with the world, but I don't so just know that it's hilarious.)
I love you, Danielle.
(And if I had a digital camera handy and knew how to get a photo on this blog, I'd share my sampler with the world, but I don't so just know that it's hilarious.)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Vaughn Be Gone?
Now, granted, this is from that insane dude at E! Online and I hate E! and that insane dude. (Honestly, who writes or speaks like that?) But, from what I could glean, Vartan's leaving?
//Now, I live for Michael Vartan, always have. And I dunno, but it looks like my sources who told me ages ago that Jennifer Garner's Alias costar was going to be written outta the semi-hit show might be...correct.
Gonna happen next month--so winks Deep Vartan. And it ain't pretty over at ABC exec land, as I'm told Mr. V.'s departure is trying to be handled as discreetly as possible, even though not everybody is on board with such a quiet exiting.
"It's causing an uproar," whispered a frontline loose-lippper.
Mikey's boob-tube arm, by the by, says everything's peachy in Alias land--and I'm full of French beans.
I say stay tuned.//
That was one of the most confusing things I've read in a long time, but it does apply to "Alias", I think, and thus, it's relevant to this blog at least.
And, in my zeal to order a "Who's Your Spy Daddy" tee, I apparently ordered two accidentally. Good thing since my SD-6 sweatshirt was ruined thanks to a freakin' pen in the laundry. Now I'll have a back-up should the lettering on one of the tees somehow end up steeped in blueberry frappe or something.
//Now, I live for Michael Vartan, always have. And I dunno, but it looks like my sources who told me ages ago that Jennifer Garner's Alias costar was going to be written outta the semi-hit show might be...correct.
Gonna happen next month--so winks Deep Vartan. And it ain't pretty over at ABC exec land, as I'm told Mr. V.'s departure is trying to be handled as discreetly as possible, even though not everybody is on board with such a quiet exiting.
"It's causing an uproar," whispered a frontline loose-lippper.
Mikey's boob-tube arm, by the by, says everything's peachy in Alias land--and I'm full of French beans.
I say stay tuned.//
That was one of the most confusing things I've read in a long time, but it does apply to "Alias", I think, and thus, it's relevant to this blog at least.
And, in my zeal to order a "Who's Your Spy Daddy" tee, I apparently ordered two accidentally. Good thing since my SD-6 sweatshirt was ruined thanks to a freakin' pen in the laundry. Now I'll have a back-up should the lettering on one of the tees somehow end up steeped in blueberry frappe or something.
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