On Second Thought...

I think I might have to keep this place for a bit. So, more stuff goes to Tumblr, but deep thoughts that I know all of you are dying to read will remain here. Simpler that way, I think. For now at least.

The Time Has Come

The walrus said.

And so, at his urging, this humble blog is moving to a NEW! BETTER! FUNNER! place.

The Blog Of Champions or at least the occasional diversion for the 6 of you.

Advertising: Way More Than An Aaron Spelling Workplace Conceit

Kick it off with a quote that will make you rethink your whole career? Okay. I'll read it.

And perhaps I need to pay a bit more attention to my current job at D&D.

Let It Snow!

We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.
-Marie Beyon Ray

It Is No Measure Of Health To Be Well Adjusted To A Profoundly Sick Society.

I'm a bit under the weather today. But who could be surprised since the weather has been generally icky. The only hitch in the plan today (sleep, sleep, watch "Arrested Development", sleep) is work. Pray for me, my children, for I'm am on the edge of committing clienticide.

Those People

I make fun of them while becoming one of them. It's like pod people, but replace the pod with a dishwasher safe insulated mug. So, here's the deal: I love Starbucks.

Hold on there, cowboy. Don't ride off just yet. I have a whole explanation for you.

So, I don't drink coffee. Makes me long for the days of the vomitorium when heaving was socially acceptable. But I love tea. No, sassafrass, I don't go there to pay for hot water and a tea bag. I go there for the grande chai latte. And now I've discovered a new thing that will turn me into one of those stereotypical yuppie Volvo drivers - the incredibly specific order. No longer can I just order the grande chai. Oh no. Now I have to order the grande chai with whole milk, no water, in my red Starbucks cup. (Oh god. Just seeing it all typed out there makes me a little embarrassed.)

And yes, I could get a chai latte from any number of purveyors in my general area. The thing is, they're all too strong. Give me a chai from Hartford Coffee and I'm jittery and jumpy and my tongue's tingly and it's no fun at all. Coffeehouse in Lafayette Square? Move out of the way Condi Rice, I can solve the Mid East peace shit AND walk all the neighborhood dogs while writing the great American novel. Starbucks? Ahhh...utter mediocrity. The perfect blend of milky blandness - pepped up, but comfortably so. (I'm not sure that this admission that I like it because it's blah makes me appear worse or Starbucks.)

But, now I am so addicted to the grande chai with whole, no water, in a personal mug that I have to order it that way. And that's the worst part. It's not that I occasionally treat myself before work in the morning, it's not that I actually GO to Starbucks (everyone has at some point), it's that I have my little pet order that is utterly ridiculous. Fortunately, I'm starting to get to know all the employees at my local and with any luck they will just see me and know that's what I'm after so I don't have to actually utter those words again.

The Definitive List, For Me Anyway

My Favorite Sad Movie: "Dancer In The Dark"
My Favorite Funny Movie: "Three Amigos"
My Favorite Sad Song: "The Drugs Don't Work" by The Verve
My Favorite Happy Song: "Paper Moon" by Django Reinhardt
My New Favorite David Lynch Project: The Gucci fragrance commercial featuring the 70s and Freja Beha, Natasha Poly, and Raquel Zimmerman

And if you want more, like I did, watch the behind the scenes video. Isn't it so cute that Raquel can't dance? More glitter!

It's Not That I Don't Want To

Believe me, I love the snacky teen shows as much as the next girl. I was so smitten with "90210" that I used to get together with friends to watch. I was so goofy over "Buffy" that I'd yell at people who dared to call during the show. And now, everyone's obsessed with "Gossip Girl" on ye olde CW, but, frankly, I'm not. Only one lead is beautiful, the fashion is okay, the acting is meh, and the episode I've seen just didn't have any spark to it. So how can I get by in a world where even my favorite Fashionistas just love the thing?

Lunchtime Poll

So, this is what's called a Lunchtime Poll. Our topic - manners when calling a business. When you call a business do you immediately ask "Is this Laura?" (assuming you're looking for Laura. You could also be looking for Monty or Colin or perchance Steve in which case you would subsitute those names for that of Laura.) of the soul who happens to be on the other end of the line? More direct example, when someone answers the phone with their business name, say, "Arnold Drummond's Goldfish Emporium", and you are looking for their top tank salesman, Chuck, do you respond with, "Hello. May I speak with Chuck?", or do you just utter "Chuck" quizzically?

Please select the letter that best corresponds with your personal style:
A. I ask for the person with whom I wish to speak because I am a rational, and may I add, polite, person.
B. I just blurt out the name of the person with whom I wish to speak because your societal rules do not apply to me. I am a busy, busy person and these full sentences you opt to use are simply wasting my time.

I'm Dreaming Of...

Mashed potatoes, raking leaves, sleeping in, reading Lovecraft.

Oh, and being thankful.

Muppet Clothes

I'm looking for a tasteful sweater for the Bug for the chilly winter ahead and all I keep finding are hilarious photos of tiny dogs in strange muppet clothes. As amusing (and occasionally adorable) as that is, these photos are not leading me to warmwear for my dog.

An Open Letter To Work, The Concept

FUCK OFF.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

1. Dolphins are still amazing. And Japan can totally go to hell for killing them. (Yes. I said Japan, an entire nation and its population, can go to hell. I also think all sunsets are great and that all whiteys can't dance. And that's the triumverate of wildly insane overgeneralizations for the day.)

2.

3.

My Favorite Emerald Nut Has Passed On

Farewell, Maxie Dean. May your buildings go condo.

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh so mellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain so yellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a young and a callow fellow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow ( follow ) follow ( follow ) follow . . .

Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow ( follow ) follow ( follow ) follow . . .


Deep in December it's nice to remember
Although you know the snow will follow
Deep in December it's nice to remember
Without a hurt, the heart is hollow
Deep in December it's nice to remember
The fire of September that made you mellow
Deep in December our hearts should remember
Then follow ( follow ) follow ( follow ) follow . . .

"The Darjeeling Limited"

The best part of this movie ends up ditched on a platform.

But, I suppose if I were as wealthy as the characters of Wes Anderson's latest homage to WASPs, I could bid on it.

Fabishubun

Dumb Donald? Is that you?

Hussein Chalayan's recent holographic fashion show featured some surprisingly wearable looks, this notwithstanding.

(Mushmouth was always myb faboribit. And yes, I occasionally still talk like him around the Sandbox girls.)

There Are Dozens Of Us! DOZENS!

It's sometimes difficult to be out here in a world of procreators. I am so far not one to take to the idea of bearing a child. The concept that there is a living thing inside of me makes me quite queasy. I have already accidentally dropped my dog and she's been around for a month so imagine a baby in my arms. Gravity has never been my friend, but I have a feeling that with the sleep deprivation and the added financial woes, I'd be branded worse than a British nanny when I take that inevitable spill down our precipitous stairs. And then there's the financial and emotional impact that I'm definitely not prepared to take on.

Now this isn't to say that I don't love babies and the people who have them. They're great. You can dress them in cute clothes. I'm sure the love you thought you were capable of is underwhelming when compared to the love you feel for your child. They are absolutely charming when they're about 3. But I have never felt that urge. Oh sure, when I see the adorable Baby GAP ads I feel a little twinge, but then I remember the pregnancy and the (yikes) delivery and all the rest and I'm snapped back to reality. And I'm not alone. Helen Mirren agrees. Now, although I don't have the mother issues (hi Gwenny!), I do share Ms. Mirren's sentiments and as harsh as it may seem to some, that's the honest truth.

image from The Wit of the Staircase

Covet Commandment

Stop using the word "covet" in all its forms and start using the phrase "pig-in-a-poke". If I read another blog entry that states "I am coveting (BLANK) right now" I will run someone over with a Segway. The mere thought of that verb causes such revulsion that simply proofing this post is probably going to make me homicidal.

Now although the word and idiom don't seem interchangable, oh contraire! "Although it may be a pig-in-a-poke, I still want that sequinned beret." See? It CAN work! (And that sequinned hat is a pig-in-a-poke, unless you're Rita from "Arrested Development".)

Seriously? Seriously.

Two great tastes that taste great together - the Dramatic Prairie Dog and "CSI: Miami". An old meme, surely, but it still cracks my shit up.

Does Not Compute

The Ross Sisters' tribute to, of all things, Solid Potato Salad
For some reason, the blending of potato salad and contortionism doesn't work in my brain. And just wait until you get to the back bend down the wagon...and then the reverse. Solid or not, that potato salad's comin' back up with that move.

First, We Blame All The Women

Hey Warner Brothers! You can suck it!

These Plaintive Lyrics Bore Me

We've been rewatching the back seasons of "Alias" which is just as awesome as it was the first time around, but the issue I'm vexed by is the music they use in the lovey or sad Syd scenes is just wretched. I don't remember it being this obnoxious, but dang it's horrific and it's all documented on the official "Alias" site. And just look how angry it's made Jack! He don't go in for no Abra Moore! (Frankly, who does?)

Honestly.

This is the living end.

Now, you six know that I don't often delve into the lives of the garbage of Hollywood (except my favorite little bit of trash, Miss Lindsay Lohan - Call me Linds! I still have a lot to say to you Little Miss I-Have-A-Gift!), but this whole Britney trainwreck has me interested. Not because I believe she's a good person who's just in need of a little understanding, not because I think she's supremely gifted and just needs to get away from sycophants, but because she seems to just be in such a damn daze 24/7 which amazes me. She's like a zombie with fake hair and giant sunglasses and after I watched this video, I learned some things which I will now elucidate for you:

1. People who take photos of people in a car at the gas station really need to sit down and think about their lives for one hot minute.
2. People who leave the house hoping that these people will take photos of them in a car at a gas station really need to sit down and think about their lives for one hot minute.
3. People whose job it is to take these photos should not be pumping gas for the people that leave the house hoping that they will take photos of them. This somehow breaks down the hierarchy of our society and it makes me confused and slightly angry.
4. Britney Spears needs to learn how to smoke. Seriously. She smokes like a 14-year-old trying to look grown up.
5. I think I just got to the heart of the matter - Britney Spears is a 14-year-old trying to look grown up.

Apocalypse Now

Douglas referred me to this article and I'm fairly certain that if politicians become the new style icons, I will have no problem with stealing some plutonium and reading a lot of physics books so that I might strategically detonate it in order to save the world of fashion.

10.13.07

It's the "Arrested Development" party! This Saturday! My house! If you actually know me and actually want to come and you are actually prepared to dress in A.D.-themed costumes, email me and I'll send you all the details. If you don't actually know me, well, enjoy the photo of Buster with balloons.

I Need A Name

My
Originally uploaded by Old Aunt Amy.

Hello. I now live with OAA and I need a name. I am a girl and I am a miniature dachshund. Won't you please help and give me one? Post your suggestions in the comments!

It's My Goddamn Birthday!

Unlike others, I LOVE my birthday and anticipate it more than Christmas.

My New Favorite Image

Man, That Rihanna's A Real Dog

I mean, just look at her. Terrible. Hit upside the head with the ugly stick, that one. So sad.

(The preceeding message has been paid for by the Committee to Create More Ironic Blog Posts.)

The Deep Questions Finally Answered

Okay, you six, I didn't think I was going to have to do this, but there's some folks out there that need to learn a few things.

1. Is the world flat?
No. The world is round. And if you need proof, read a freakin' book or better yet, ask a goddamn astronaut.

2. What's an astronaut?
That's a scientist who's been up into space - above the clouds and the airplanes and Jesus's fluffy palace - and has actually looked back toward the planet we live on and seen that it is in fact round shaped. Like a ball or a ball gag.

3. Is evolution real?
Yes. Evolution is real. We evolved from other life forms and we keep on evolving, well, most of us do. Some of us, like the doofus on "The View" are actually regressing, but that's okay because there's a thing called "natural selection".

4. What is natural selection?
Contrary to popular belief, this is not when you select your case of Natural Light. Natural selection is why the Darwin Awards were invented. It means that the fittest - both physically and mentally - will survive and the genetic makeup of those that don't measure up will be eliminated. And frankly, it can't happen soon enough.

5. Where is the island we can banish all the religious fools to so we can go on about our lives of thinking and ensmartening?
I wish I knew, children. I wish I knew.

What You Never Want To Hear

"It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with (your name here). We believe (your name here) is enormously talented and has made (your recent accomplishment here). But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish (your name here) the best."

Britney Gets Fired (via A Socialite's Life)

Try As You Might

That Jennifer Garner will win you over every time.

Updates, Get Your Updates Here

Things I've Learned:

I am constantly typing the address for this site as "flogger.com". Fortunately, I catch it before I end up in some virtual S&M dungeon.

I do not have viral meningitis although it definitely seemed like I did. I even had to leave Marty's wedding early because I felt dead. But, apparently sleeping for 22 out of 48 hours will kill any disease you may have. Try it. You'll see.

I am in love with Campbell's Soup At Hand Creamy Tomato. I bought two the other day at Target and I'm thinking about having the second one in a few minutes...after I finish the first one. All the goodness of real creamy tomato soup without all the stirring and the stove!

Starbucks is okay with the fact that I don't bring my cup everyday. They agree that if I bring it 90% of the time it's better than bringing it 0% percent of the time. That makes me feel better.

I have Fall Fever. I want to wear all my fall clothes, at the same time, and can't stop staring at garments from J.Crew.

Things That Happened:

As mentioned previously, Prosecutor-to-the-Stars Marty got married. I really, really, really wanted to bring him a fish for his wedding like the one he got me for prom, but thought it might die while they were on their honeymoon. Perhaps later.


We went to The Scottish Arms. Again. Like that's a surprise.


Deke Dickerson was in town and played a delightful little show that kept me up WAY past my bedtime. And I got to see Ian from the old CWE Straub's field trips and Matt & Kim let us sit with them in the cold, cold out-of-doors.

And I guess that's about it. In between there I finished Season 5 of "Gilmore Girls" and am desperate for Season 6, I officially started the countdown to my birthday (14 more days!), started planning the "Arrested Development" post-birthday party, drove to Indianapolis and back for work, ate a shitton of Ranch dressing on a tostada pizza at CPK, hung out with the oldsters at the Little Sisters of the Poor, am gearing up to donate platelets, and did about 1000 other things that really won't matter in the long run.

Oh, I need to call the Bug Lady. And I am in the process of updating Flickr.

My Biggest Fear

Ebola.

Some people are afraid of ghosts, some are afraid of heights, I'm deathly (no pun intended) afraid of Ebola. Now, sure, I have never eaten bush meat and I've not been anywhere near anyone with it, but the possibility exists, people. And knowing my penchant for contracting the weirdest of the weird diseases, I'm fairly sure I'll get it even though I'm thousands of miles away from the Democratic Republic of Congo. Seriously, what's scarier than bleeding out your orifices until you die? And if you needed more, how 'bout this kick in the pants from Wikipedia?

"Its efficacy as a biological-warfare agent is compromised by its extreme lethality and its quickness: a typical outbreak spreads through a small village or hospital, kills everyone there, and runs out of potential hosts, burning out before it reaches a larger community."

Gee, thanks. So, I won't be attacked by a dirty bomb filled with Ebola, but it will kill everyone in my small village. My small village is fucked.

Oh, SNAP!

It's on, Roddick. It is so ON! No one calls my faux tennis boyfriend a "robot" and gets away with it! Besides, when's the last time YOU made Anna Wintour smile, Andy?

UPDATE: DOUBLE SNAP for you, Roddick! My faux b.f. got a standing ovation! When's the last time fashion people gave YOU a standing ovation?

Welcome To The World, Baby Henry

May your every day be filled with light, love, happiness, and all the Slurpees you can drink.

Congratulations to my sweet Wife and her dear husband!

Henry Leo Fritchman
7lbs., 11oz.
19.25"
Ready to bring the awesome.

Abierto/Cerrado

There's a few litmus tests for models - editorials with high-powered photogs, scoring ads (espeically cosmetics) and covers, and who opens and closes a fashion show. I'm sure there are others - who can eat the least during fashion week, who's the bitchiest, who has the best hair of the season, who has the cutest boyfriend/girlfriend - but these are the measurable ones the public gets to gauge. God bless NY Mag for making it easier for model watchers in that last measurable test.

List of Opens/Closes for Sunday's shows

Fashion So Far

Although I'm eyeing snappy coats and cashmere, it's Springtime for Fashion (and Germany)! Let's peek in on the RTW, shall we?

Oooh...icy clean at BCBG.


Creepy hollow white eye makeup at Fetherston. And far fewer trapeeze dresses than ever before.


What a feeling, bein's believin'! Herchcovitch has it all, now he's dancing for his life!


Marchesa finally makes clothes I actually like.


While Vena Cava finally makes clothes I actually hate. From elegant lawn party last year to giant cut out cell phones? The hell?

Here's To You, Luciano

You elephant lover, you.

Adios.

Mass Murderer Learns Love Through The Art of DANCE!

Prisoners create new masterpiece: "Electric Dreams"
They do lifts! They patriotically wave the flag! They lose flip flops and they JUST! KEEP! DANCING! I absolutely love that dancing has turned hardened criminals around.

Labor Day

"Labor Day, Labor Day
Schools are closed and pools are open!
Labor Day, all the way!
Do all your shopping...at Wal-Mart."

Music is usually a personal thing - one man's trash ("We Built This City") is another man's treasure (I love "We Built This City") - but a few years ago, there was a scientific poll taken of musical tastes and distastes. Komar & Melamid (see above, with hair) decided to take the list of these attributes and turn them into the most wanted and most unwanted songs. The most wanted features stereotypical attributes like love as the theme and saxophones and it's okay. But the most unwanted song, on the other hand, is a thing of wretched beauty. It combines everything the polled music listeners hated - tubas, accordians, jingles, holiday themes, children singing, opera - into one amazingly long, simultaneously revolting/appealing cacophony of weird. In between long cowboyish "dum da dee duh" interludes and someone surely in a Viking hat caterwauling are little ditties about odd holidays sung by children and all of them end with "do all your shopping...at Wal-Mart!". There's tributes to Veterans' Day, Halloween, Ramadan ("lots of praying with no breakfast!"), and Labor Day which is and forever will be stuck in my head during early September. Should you ever be so curious as to hear this song in its full 25 minute long glory, I will be happy to escort you down to the basement to the two giant Rubbermaid containers filled the with less popular CDs for your digging and eventual listening pleasure. Until then, console yourself by listening to the fodder of these wretched songs:
Richard Harris sings "MacArthur Park"!
the "Tootsie Roll Jingle"!
Captain and Tennille's inexplicable "Muskrat Love"!

Rotten Youth Of America

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana

Darlings born in the 80s,

We already lived through the decade of your birth and I remember it vividly and despite what ol' George says up there, I think we have the power to change things. You can put away the neon and the tight tees and the acid washed (yes, there's a wee revival trying to bring that frightening tidbit back to life) and the bubble skirts and the jellies and the rubber bracelets and all the other business we previously lived through. We're not going back. We will not repeat those trends that we successfully avoided when they were new. And heavens to Mr. T, we sure as shit aren't going to buy the Units-esque "belt" that a certain retail icon is trying to foist upon us. We remember those baggy cotton prisons we bought into long ago. We even remember the color scheme - green tee, navy leggings, magenta "belt" - and how we had waited as patient as could be just so we wouldn't have to wait in line on a busy Saturday to purchase them. Yes, we waited in line for this, lambs, and let me tell you, if I knew then what I know now, I would have saved the cash, put it into a CD or something so that at this point the money would have replicated itself and I could take that cash and buy something that might last like a McQueen bag or, say, this. (Yes, I know it's Marc Jacobs. Shut up.) So, put down the block lettered tees, drop the stirrup pants, and burn the jazz shoes because if we start repeating these fashion travesties, we're just a wee hop, skip, and jump from bustles and frankly, my ass doesn't need any help in that arena.

Love,
OAA

Back To School

I'm going with sort of a blog design loose leaf thing these days. Not sure if it will stick. I'm feeling the need for a more wide-spread change.

The World Needs Dreamers

I think I know what you've been going through, man, cos I've been through some heavy shit myself. If you feel alone, like nobody in the world cares and nobody in the fucking world gives a shit, then I'm here...

(Bob Mapplethorpe from "Bottle Rocket")

Danielle, This One's For You

from The Onion's A.V. Club

Joe Versus The Volcano (1990)
What it tries to do: Joe Versus The Volcano could be called the original Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan romantic comedy, except that romantic comedies are never brave enough to try something this strange and enchanting. Writer-director John Patrick Shanley attempts to top the whimsical magic of his Moonstruck script with wild flights of fancy, leading Hanks and Ryan (who plays three roles) to a tropical island where the Polynesian-Jewish natives (led by Abe Vigoda!) love orange soda.

Why it failed: Clearly not everyone was enchanted: The New York Times, for one, tagged it as the flattest comedy since Howard The Duck, and other reviews weren't much kinder. Sandwiched between Punchline, The 'Burbs, Turner & Hooch, and Bonfire Of The Vanities, Joe Versus The Volcano appeared during Hanks' biggest losing streak since early in his career, and for all the film's loveable eccentricities, it tends to get lumped in there for posterity.

Why it's worth seeing: If it works on you, the film conveys nothing less than the joy of being alive—it openly fantasizes about breaking the shackles of the workaday world and finding adventure, romance, and beauty that exist beyond the suck-suck-sucking of florescent lights. And only the stone-hearted can avoid being touched by Hanks adrift on the ocean, facing dehydration and certain death, merrily strumming a song on his ukulele without a care in the world.

Maps. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Brilliant blog of maps of all sorts.

Notes On A Scandal

The scandal being that I haven't updated in over 10 days. Well, I'm sure you 6 have just been off enjoying the end of summer in your own special ways and haven't cared a lick. Which is as it should be. So, in order to keep you abreast of the activities and thoughts, I thought I'd just make one of those handy list posts so you can get back to your vodka-filled watermelons and your Slip 'n' Slides. So, here goes:

1. Went to the Montel Williams winery. I contend that this is the best winery in MO wine country because it has a fantastic view, it's never as crowded as the more well known joints, they have super yummy food, and I get to say "Mountain, get out of my way!" frequently in tribute to Montel's autobiography.


2. Droob came over to help me manage my iTunes, a task I had tried for hours to manage myself last weekend. Needless to say, whereas I was stumped at every turn (how did my current iTunes get on the external drive when I never put it there to begin with?), Drew was a few clicks away from solving the problem and entertained us during downloads with YouTube videos. I am a simpleton, but I am a simpleton with smart friends.

3. Kelly Sue and Matt were in for the day yesterday to sign their books and we popped in to drop off baby/mommy gifts and briefly visit. Our time together was all too brief, but it's always wonderful to see those two precious darlings (and the third soon to arrive!). Plus, I got to meet Steven Sanders! Plus, we got a great idea for the new friend soon to arrive!

4. Had a lovely time at The Oscar Party last night. There was a dining cage! A swimming pool! A vindictive hot tub! A non-functioning, yet highly distracting gas fire pit! And, of course, there was a set of the most comfy outdoor furniture ever made! Also, there was cheese for miles, lots of funny time, and Matt Ohlendorf so who could ask for more?

5. Had my 4th French lesson with Fanny! Comme d'habitude, when she speaks I pick up about 1/2 of what she's saying, but it's definitely fun and I'm definitely getting better with my pronunciation. After I get paid, I'm going to pick up some of these so I can practice a wee bit and, well, since the September issues will be out then, I might as well get this too. She's going on vacation for 2 weeks so it will be awhile before the next one but hopefully it will be just as raucous. Mon dieu! We were told by a cop to keep our volume down! How fantastique! Mon singe a les ruches!

And that's the highlights, lambs. Until next time, enjoy a BBQ'd tofu dog and think of me!

I Have All These Thoughts And I'm Pretty Sure They All Contradict Each Other

I'm trapped in a "Gilmore" cycle and I was thinking that all I watch these days are DVDs of the shows I love. Which is fine. No prob there. If my hardest decision of the night is "The Venture Brothers" or "Arrested Development", well, I'm sitting in that proverbial catbird seat (what the hell does that mean anyway?). But, although those choices are far from painful, it's gotten me thinking that I might need to buy more of these TV DVDs as I think I'm wearing out "The Venture Brothers" and "Arrested Development". I was trying to make a mental list today of the shows I need to adopt and care for and overwatch for years to come and it dawned on me that I've zero in the way of "Buffy". And I even wrote a whole real published article about how much I loved the show. So, as the money pot drains, my brain dreams of ordering this.

Oh, silly brain.

The Wit Of The Staircase

There was a blog that I loved reading for the insights and for the photos. It was more than just strange observations or the daily diary of a life sort of blog. It actually explored thoughts and ideas and the photos included were so lovely that I'd usually save them to my hard drive as reminders of pretty things when work or life was getting to be too much.

On a whim today I decided to clean up my countless bookmarks and clicked through to Wit of the Staircase only to discover that the blog's author, Theresa Duncan, had died. That, in and of itself, was shocking - such a vibrant mind filled with beautiful ideas and visions gone and apparently by her own hand. And then I read the Wiki about her only to discover that her partner, Jeremy Blake, had also left the world one week after Theresa.

I have no idea why this had such an impact on me - such an impact that I immediately scurried to Blogger to post about it - but the fact that she posted the day she died is just puzzling. It's such a conundrum that these two people, seemingly so vibrant and alive, would create their own tragic demise that even the euologistic post on her blog didn't seem real. It was almost as if this was all an elaborate ruse and that they were hiding out somewhere far away. I suppose that the oddest element is that in all of her recent posts there seemed to be no hint, no intimation whatsoever, that she was a person on the edge. She posts of fashion, of Kafka, of Kate Moss, and there seemed to be nothing dark or sinister anywhere.

And then I started clicking links and discovered that although she loved perfume and writing, there were things far more sinister in her life and her mind and that paranoia seemed to be a constant companion. How sad that two seemingly amazing people could self-destruct in such a manner. I suppose that now they are free from the terror and confusion they felt although it's certainly left me wondering - if Theresa's entire blog was dedicated to the notion of the wit of the staircase, what would she say now?

Links to discover more:
Theresa herself
The LA Times
And the best from LAist

Married and Shit

awww
Originally uploaded by treesquirrel.

Jenschuetz and Naz done gone and gots themselves hitched in Key West. And around here we couldn't be happier.

America, I Need You

Well, frankly, U.K., I need you indirectly. I've got mad love for a certain crisp of yours. It's, well, it's sublime, frankly, and I don't know how you people do it. You really have a gift with the potatoes. I know we make a ton of chips, but you people really did it right. And for all the efforts we've made to duplicate your life/society, we decided to make really shitty snackfoodz as our ultimate bugger off to the Queen. I feel this may have been the worst decision we could have made. So, what's this all about then? I NEED HULA HOOPS! I've looked online for them and christ the shipping is like, uh, $40. The actual foodstuff is only about $10. So, I appeal to you, former colony and current...uh...colony, help me get Hula Hoops. Find them online with relatively inexpensive shipping fees! Brits - stash them in boxes and mail them to me labeled "gift"! Or all 6 of you could fly over there returning with sacks of them, original flavor only, in return for the feeble entertainment I've given you through this humble blog (perhaps the least logical/economical option, but wouldn't you 6 have such fun together?)!

Here's what they look like:

Food Themed Theme Park

This is my new big money making idea and since I trust all 6 of you so implicitly, I'm going to share it.

FOODLAND
(yes, I know there might be a problem with this name, but it's in its conception phase so gimme a break)

The Pitch:
With obesity sweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate our obsession with cramming things down our gullets than a theme park dedicated to sweet sustenance!?!

The Rides:
Ferris Wheel of Brie
Salt & Pepper Shakers (too easy)
The Noodler
Bumper Carbs (instead of cars, it's little loaves of bread!)
The Salad Spinner (think swings, but in the shape of lettuce, sliced tomatoes, and other salad fixin's!)
Fad Diet Roller Coaster

The Games:
Onion Ring Toss - hook an onion ring on a ketchup bottle and win a prize!
Pie Toss - pie the face of a clown and win a prize!
Bottle Toss - knock the milk bottles over with a stuffed cupcake and win a prize!
The Dunkin' Booth - sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts (guy in doughnut suit falls into a giant cup of coffee)
Martini! - roll giant olives into martini glasses and win a prize!
Wack-A-Souffle - make those souffles fall and win a prize!

BFD

More to come on the baseball outing last night, but for now, here's a wee anecdote:

(sound of crowd clapping)
JENNIFER (to JULIE): Are we supposed to be clapping?
JULIE (clapping with crowd): Well, the pitcher is leaving the mound so we're clapping because he pitched well.
JENNIFER: BFD! That's his job!
AMY: Yeah! No one claps when I leave work!

Official Judge's Ruling: No clapping for pitchers that leave the mound. They're just doing their damn jobs and make way more than I do.

"I Won't Be Here Next Weekend"

Henry says. "I've got stale bacon training."

(He really said Steadicam training, but I think training stale bacon sounds far more fun. Although, can bacon go stale?)

Troof.

From Jon's Dog Blog:

I don't care who you think you are or where you think you came from, everybody at some point in their life has wanted a dog. And I'm pretty sure I know the real reason. The real reason is: Everybody at some point in their life has wanted to have a stuffed animal come to life and be their pal. Tell me I'm wrong and I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

R.I.P. Absurd Hope

I will always love Steve Martin. And Henry, you'll just have to accept that.

Although my pre-teen adolesence was filled with dreams of rainbows and ice cream and horses and Wil Wheaton, my first real full-on make-out dream involved me and Steve Martin and a bookstore. Swoon. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I've always imagined that like SAnDeE*, Steve would just happen into my place of business and we'd hit it off and he'd ask me to L'Idiot, but in my fantasy, we'd be listening to Enya in the end. So, when I heard this, I guess I was a little wistfully heartbroken. Steve's gone and proposed to another girl.

100 Lies I've Never Told

A few years ago there was a thing called Delphi Forums that was all the rage with a certain set of my friends, both in person friends and friends I've only known online. We chatted about everything - movies, books, food - and there were a few great things that came out of those forums like "Simple Pleasures Hurley" and some other literary gems contributed by dozens of hilarious people that live all over the world. It was a simple system - one person would come up with a thread and all the forum members would contribute if they had something to say about that thread. And honestly, I checked those forums probably 10 times a day, reading all sorts of thoughts from all sorts of people.

One of those threads was "100 Lies I've Never Told". The idea was to write 100 lies you've never told about yourself and the more outlandish the better. Now some people on these forums were damn funny and I tried my best to keep up with them. Actually, they were brilliantly funny, wickedly witty, and incredibly insane (but in a good way). I posted my 100 and recently found a copy of them. So, now I'll share them with the 6 of you. I hope you enjoy them and Delphiers? Consider this a big shout out to all of you.

100 Lies I've Never Told

1. It used to be "Animal, Vegetable, or Amy". I made them change it because I felt self-conscious.
2. I was originally cast as KITT in "Knight Rider".
3. I'm raising Sea Monkeys in my spinal fluid.
4. The Pope and I get into heated games of Connect Four twice a month.
5. Once, after being angered beyond all limits, I shrunk the majestic broccoli tree into the vegetable we know today so that it might be eternally punished for its earlier wrong doings.
6. I was married to Barry Manilow for three glorious weeks. I called him "Banilow".
7. I fought in nine matches for the WWF as "The Butter Churn".
8. I've been immortalized as a bobblehead.
9. Onions don't make me cry.
10. "JAWS" is based on my life story.
11. My middle name is "Bitchslap".
12. "Oligarchy " is tattooed on the back of my neck.
13. I keep thousands of wolverines as pets.
14. Sometimes, while watching television, I can astral project into Ed Asner.
15. I am the Tooth Fairy.
16. I invented a teleportation device, but it was destroyed by the creators of "Dr. Who".
17. My liver is iron clad.
18. I am impervious to hair pulling.
19. My first job was Executive Assistant to LBJ where I was in charge of the shoe polishing machine.
20. I have smoked shitloads of crack.
21. And lived to tell about it.
22. Eight of the songs of Nick Cave were inspired by my relationship with a fruit bat.
23. I've licked three heads of state.
24. I can unbend pretzels with my mind.
25. It was my idea to almost entirely change the cast on "The Facts of Life".
26. However, I didn't have anything to do with the casting of Geri.
27. I make the patterns for snowflakes.
28. I was the inspiration for Donkey Kong.
29. Scathing articles about my sexual conquests regularly appear in European magazines.
30. I julienne fries.
31. I faked my death in 1984.
32. I invented the art of plate spinning.
33. I told Mr. T to get the mohawk.
34. I dream only of Abraham Lincoln sitting at the top of a short totem pole quietly repeating the lyrics of "Muskrat Love". All other dreams have been concocted to entertain.
35. My feet are way bigger than you think.
36. I am barred from traveling through Indiana thanks to comments made regarding their Daylight Savings Time policy.
37. I use eggplants to transport illicit drugs through the mail.
38. If I sit entirely still, I can pick up Danish radio stations with my eyelashes.
39. My father is Don Knotts.
40. My mom is really Omar Sharif in disguise. My REAL mom is Sandy Duncan.
41. I can hover three inches above any solid surface made entirely of aluminum.
42. I was Zamfir's mentor for four years.
43. Hole puncher? My idea.
44. I had a torrid affair with Cobi, the mascot of the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics.
45. I am Danielle Steele.
46. Before that I was the Gorton's Fisherman.
47. Before that I was Sherman Williams, but got sick of all the damn questions.
48. I cry wolf.
49. I hold the highest score ever recorded in Wack-A-Mole.
50. My skull was removed and replaced with layer upon layer of dried Elmer's Glue.
51. I used to work at the UN where I simultaneously translated in hula.
52. My Honda was made entirely of chewed Teaberry gum.
53. All the gum was chewed by Greg Norman and Robert Goulet.
54. On Palm Sunday, I can count cards legally.
55. I am covered in a thick, clear fur that can be seen under black light.
56. I sang the "hmmmmm" at the end of the closing theme song of "Diff'rent Strokes".
57. I was the first person to whimsically refer to Target as "Tar-zhay".
58. I keep angels in my left hand kitchen cabinet next to the Long John Silver's collectible glasses.
59. Fidel Castro and I have a long-running correspondence regarding one thing: the physics of the Thermos.
60. He writes his letters to me on vermicelli noodles.
61. I write his letters on grape seeds.
62. Each night before you fall asleep, I whisper the secrets of the Mayans in your ear.
63. I warned Eric Stoltz.
64. I was Jesse Ventura's Campaign Manager.
65. My first love is sumo wrestling.
66. Right before he went on stage I asked Kennedy, "Yeah, but what can my country do for me?"
67. I killed Erma Bombeck.
68. That is not a lie.
69. I've swum with moose.
70. I've also swum with Meese.
71. I protested until they started calling it Kraft CHEESE and Macaroni.
72. The sky is blue because I said so once.
73. My brother keeps Motley Crüe as his house pets.
74. They wet the floor if left alone for too long.
75. My only source of income is making wreaths for cow necks for Pongal.
76. I've been inside the Popemobile.
77. I can list all 50 states in descending order of Tang consumption.
78. I bought the Leaning Tower of Pisa with tulip bulbs in 1636, just before the tulip market crashed.
79. Cherry Coke comes out of all my faucets when the cold water is turned on.
80. I know where the beef is.
81. I'll tell you if you ask really nicely.
82. I came up with the concept of live bait vending machines.
83. I sleep on a mattress made entirely of devil's food cake.
84. "Keep on truckin'" was the first thing I said as a baby.
85. I named Djibouti, but they fucked up the spelling.
86. Carl Kasell lives in a tiny treasure chest at the foot of my bed.
87. I gave Janis Joplin her first bottle of SoCo.
88. This? Oh, that's nothing.
89. I know every duck joke ever told.
90. I am the girl in that McCurry photograph.
91. My heart is made of saffron.
92. I told Dali to make the Lobster Telephone.
93. Every line I've ever written has made someone, somewhere cry.
94. My real name is Annabel Lee.
95. I have a sixth sense - a sense of urgency.
96. Dale Chihuly gave me his eye a la Van Gogh.
97. I wear it in my hair.
98. I put the kaibosh on parachute pants.
99. I am going to rename all the planets after the Teletubbies next week.
100. I can escape it.

...And Boy Is My Tongue Tired

I had my first French lesson last night with my new tutor. It's been 14 years since I took my last French class and I was surprised that I remembered quite a bit, but can't recall simple things like the word for "dress" or numbers (I had to count on my fingers and repeat the numbers aloud until I got to the one I wanted). Now certainly the native Frenchwoman teaching me is really in command of the language, but I was rather surprised that she could carry on en francais and I was pretty much understanding what she said with a few "pardons?" tossed in there every now and again. So, although most of my answers are still in English, I'm looking forward to being able to read French Vogue.

And that reminds me...this is the perfect excuse to Carine Roitfeld's monthly fashion bible at Borders now.

Keeping You In The Know

For those of you that might have missed "Victoria Beckham: Coming To America" last night on NBC, never fear! I watched the entire thing for you and will now present all the best lines uttered by Mrs. Beckham!

• After meeting stereotypical LA women - plastic to the hilt, over the hill, money-centric, crazy bitches - for a luncheon, and hearing one of them do their dolphin impersonation (truly frightening, that) Victoria states: "There's only one way to go here...let's get drunk."

• Quite tongue-in-cheek, she sighs and utters, "It's exhausting being fabulous."

• Upon entering a very tacky house: "It looked like someone with no taste came in and vomited everywhere."

• At a viewing of Lionel Richie's former home currently on the market, our Vic comments on the floors. The realtor tells her they were laid by Lionel himself to which she slyly responds: "Lionel Richie laid the parquet floor.....whilst dancing on the ceiling."

• On Thanksgiving: "They take loads of pretzels, mash 'em up, and shove 'em up turkeys' bums."

• Her assistant informs her that she taking her somewhere to learn how to throw a pitch at a baseball game after Vicky's invited to throw out the first pitch at a Dodgers' game. She follows that up with, "You should probably wear sporty heels."

Want more? (And I know you do.) Then head to NBC.com and watch, you cheeky bastards.

Fashion Round-up: Ye Olde Tidbits

I know some of you aren't up on the couture scene and that at times my endless rants about Galliano's pencil thin moustache and McQueen's utter genius can be rather dullsville. And so, I give you the best of both worlds - high fashion and cartoons! (See more at Fashionista.com!)

• The title of this article makes me giggle like a wee child.

• I know this dress could only be worn to my goth boyfriend's untimely funeral (aren't they always), but I still want it. And it's on sale. And yes, it's McQueen. (Am I that transparent?)


• Hey Leigh Lezark! The Giles dress you wore for Vogue's on sale too! (I can't find a scan of you in it, but I know you were.)


• And because I wanted to do a whole post about couture, but just couldn't really get into it beyond the Dior, here's the newest look in fashion - the ass fox. You'd think that I might be referring to a 45-year-old oiled down playboy from Milan who prefers the booty to the boobies, but I'm not. Plus, would that guy really be a fox anyway? Regardless...

Imagine turning around and seeing that thing behind you all the time.