Hey L.A.!

"Hooch & Daddy-O" will screen at the 2007 MockFest on Saturday, June 2nd @ 1 PM at the Vine Theatre on Hollywood Blvd.

And yes. I will be in it making this exact face.

No One Belongs Here More Than The Ping Pong Stove

I'll admit it. I only kinda liked Miranda July's film "Me and You and Everyone We Know". But that's only because I only kinda liked some of the characters and in a totally character driven piece, I need to like all the characters or need to really hate at least some of them to make me fully satisfied. And also it moved a little slow for me. Not that I need things to move fast. I actually like things that move a little slow and let you think about what's happening like "Trois Couleurs: Bleu" which definitely moves slow, but in a fulfilling sort of way. Her film just moved slowly because, I don't know, Miranda July was savoring pudding that day or something. Her mind seems to be as random and fluffy as my own so I can see her slowing down to enjoy some butterscotch pudding and thinking that the movie needed to move at that pace. And since she was the director, well, she had that kinda power.

Now she's got a book which has a website which is just grand. I really like it a lot and now I wish I had an old style stove like hers so I could write notes on it. I've got one of those all-burners-no-spoon-rest type stoves which I like a lot but which Tina calls the Ping Pong Stove because it intermittently pops while it's cooking and makes a sound like a really far away ping pong ball being hit in a super slow match. But I like the sound. It's the sound of things warming up and getting ready to be eaten. And I like that it's a slow ping pong stove because, like I said, I'm okay with things moving slowly as long as it's in a fulfilling sort of way.

Racist Bastard

I doubt the logic behind this statement and would like to thwack Stefano Pilati in the face with one of his over-sized, over-priced handbags. And look at that face! So utterly punchable!
Ban YSL!

His pouty Zoolander face came from here.

Sad Songs They Say *sniff* So *whimper* Much (Insert Bawling Here), Part 2

We already know what #1 is, but today, inspired by Spinner's list of 25, I made a list of my 10. There's more, most certainly, but I've got too much work to do to add another 15.

1. “The Drugs Don’t Work” by The Verve
Holy crap, don’t even get me started or I’ll start crying right here and now. Sad, sad, sad song about someone slowly dying that gets me every time. This is, not doubt about it, the saddest song ever.

2. “I Didn’t Understand” by Elliott Smith
It’s even sadder now that he’s mysteriously dead. Well, the death isn’t a mystery. It’s how he died that’s mysterious. Still, dead depressed person formerly addicted to heroin with a pretty soul who wrote incredible lyrics = sad.

3. “They Can’t Take That Away From Me” by Fred Astaire
Not a song man, more a dance man, but this version of this song is just a sweet and poignant good-bye.

4. “If You Go Away” by Emiliana Torrini
It’s a remake of “Ne Me Quitte Pas” which is sad in and of itself, but this Icelandic sprite has changed the lyrics and made them even more weepy.

5. “Slow Tango” by Jane Siberry
CHRIST this song is sad.

6. “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman
This is a situational thing. It reminds me of the summer after 8th grade when my family went to Hilton Head with my best friend at the time. The song was everywhere and it just calls to mind reading The Scarlet Letter and wondering a lot if Jennifer and I would still be friends after we started high school. It’s also a super sad song about dreams not coming true, incidentally.

7. Untitled song from R.E.M’s Green album
Totally a personal thing. My friend Chris was leaving for the circus (long, long story) and this was on a tape that he made me.

8. “I’ve Seen It All” by Bjork, from the movie “Dancer In The Dark”
If you haven’t seen this movie, up your dose of Thorazine and rent it. You’re going to need those numbing pills just to get through it. I’ve basically forbidden myself from watching it ever again because the last time I saw it I cried so much I used an entire box of Kleenex. I’m not kidding. An. Entire. Box. This song comes when you realize that no matter what happens, Bjork’s character's not coming out of this in a good place.

9. “Dream A Little Dream Of Me” by any number of people
Who knows why I think this song is sad? I just do.

10. “Strange Fruit” by Billie Holiday
Probably the saddest sad song about something I can’t even comprehend that happened less than a lifetime ago. All the other songs about love and loss can’t compare to the sad history this song relates.

Pat McGrath Saved Henry's Job Today

Sometimes I have very strange, very amusing dreams. This morning was no exception. See, H was up super early yesterday and had an 18 hour long day (and having those previously, they are wretched even without having to fly to and from DFW) so he was rather tired when we finally fell asleep at midnight. He had to get up rather early to be at work at 7:30a and the alarm was set for 6a.

The alarm went off and I, ignorant of time/reality in the morning, returned to sleep which is when I had this dream.

I was at Shalom Harlow's house. And, you know, we were making pies. It was a cute little farmy cottage in Canada and we were talking and generally being friends and rolling dough and had flour on our noses and the usual stuff I do when Shalom asks me over. After a bit of this domesticity, the door bell rings and Pat McGrath, famous makeup artist is there. Shalom squeals and tells me that Pat's going to do our makeup, just 'cuz. Hey, it's a dream, I'm at a supermodel's house making pies. Don't ask why we'd need fresh, professionally applied makeup for this. So, Pat's in, Shalom's first, and the three of us are girl talking. Then, it's my turn and Pat and I are talking lipstick. See, I've been looking for this lipstick that's not quite glossy, not quite matte, in just the right plummy shade of wine. But I can't find it. So, naturally, Pat pulls out a NARS lip palette and in it is the prefect shade in the perfect texture. I'm marveling over it and notice there's all the normal shades in this palette - coral, pale pink, rich red, etc. - and there's a few more odd ones like a pale green. I ask Pat (yes, first name basis) what the green is for, exactly. She tells me to open my mouth wide and she puts a wee bit on her lip brush and applies it way at the back of my mouth on my tonue. I let her do it and when she's done I ask her again, "So, what's the green used for then?" She looks me straight in the eye and says, "So you can open your mouth wider." "Open my mouth wider?" "Yes. So you can tell your boyfriend he's oversleeping."

I woke up, H was oversleeping, it was 7:03a. He basically had ten minutes. Pat saved the day. Thanks, Pat.

Albania!

After a mention of Albania on "Globe Trekker", I searched for the song from "Cheers" about Albania. First thing I find? Otis' poker blog in which Joey Two-Hands plays a role. I'm not sure how much they reveal their true identities whilst using their poker monkers (uh, Marty? What's yours?) so I won't tell you who they really are, but I will tell you that they are friends that I don't get to see nearly enough and that through them is how I might someday actually come face to face with my old high school crush - Wil Wheaton. (Uh...was I "Amy No Tail" in that weird naming session? I can't recall who was No Tail.)

So, the full lyrics, no thanks to poker boy Otis, are "Albania! Albania! You border on the Adriatic. Your land is mostly mountainous and your chief export is chrome."

Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Vogue

Should they put a baby in a designer blanket? Probably not. But, as I said on Fashionista.com, if it gets them money, I'm okay with it. I'd rather see a baby in designer blankets than orphaned and starving to death in the wild. And speaking of Sheldrick, don't you need to adopt an orphaned baby elephant today?

Image from Style.com, home of all things Wintour.

The Boat's Leaving, Karl

With your sanity, as evidenced by this photo op.

Y'see, dahlings, old Karl is now back on the Lohan tip and he's kookoo for kracked out headbands! This time 'round, it's Chanel's Cruise line, which is a real fashion season now, not just something you might book passage on to the Western Caribbean. So, Krazy Karl trotted out all his hottest items and high wattage fans for a fashion show in an airplane hangar. Let's take a peek inside, shall we?

Why there's too-famous-to-be-bothered Elisha Cuthbert! So chic in her purple neck brace, clutching her mismatched purple bag. Remind me, dear readers, what has she done besides that soft-core-porn-next-door film? And speaking of dubious celebs,

the lovely Camilla Belle had a teensy run-in with the gift wrapping department, but like the trooper she is, she made it to Karl's show!

Now I'm not really an Alba fan, nor am I an Alba dissenter, but I must come out and tell you, loves, that she looks simply delighful here considering the dregs with which she was surrounded. The dregs, OAA? Why yes, dears. We haven't even begun to barf over the fashion!

Case in point:

Yes, poodles, that's a man with roller skates 'round his neck with his track jacket tucked into his track pants. It's okay if you need to leave the room to laugh up your lunch. I already did. (Oooh! Perhaps this is Herr Karl's new diet plan! Laughing Up Lunches! He did this intentionally to keep us all from being chubby! Oh, thank you, Bewigged One!)

For the man who has everything already Bedazzled,

The Sequinned Bathrobe.


Lisa Cant totally got screwed on this show. Not only did she have to drag this doggie bag around for one exit, but for her other, she had to wear this:

SWEET CHRIST WHAT IS THAT?!? Those are open-toed shouchy boots! And are those cut-offs worn with Chanel's take on the formal baja? Are the shorts puking up those flaps from their waistline? Words...they fail me.

And you know it's bad when your favorite look was something so matchy-matchy, it makes even your mother a little queasy:


It seems even big-time-fancy-pants-cover-of-Vogue-Gemma-twin Sasha can't figure it out.

Each time I see this photo...and trust me, she's making this face in every one...I hear the "hruwuhhh?" sound Scooby-Doo made.


For more fashion induced bulimia/Chanel Cruise looks, check out Style.com from which all fashion show images emanate.

Speaking Of Maxie Dean...

Uh, why did no one tell me he was working with Emerald Nuts? Seriously. You 6 are really letting me down.

Check out the awesome Gouletness HERE!

Or, just make your own!

How Movies Have Changed My Life

I regularly reference movies in everyday conversation. Obscure, strange references that upon mentioning them, should others get my reference, they immediately become my new best friends. I remember when I realized that Matt Fraction knew "Three Amigos" as obsessively as I did and now, I think, should we ever be trapped in a room together, it would eventually devolve into Dusty Bottoms quotes. After quoting "Beetle Juice" today in reference to a spreadsheet I received from a vendor ("this book reads like stereo instructions"), I thought I might make a wee list of some of the lines I've worked into my repetoire, just because. There's one new line in there that I'm going to be working hard to adopt so if I reference lockjaw around you, maybe a thumbs up is in order.

"Three Amigos"
El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora?

Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?

El Guapo: It's a sweater!

Sam: Take the Amigos' clothes.

"Steel Magnolias"
M'Lynn: Drink your juice, Shelby.

"Uncle Buck"
Maizy: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

U.B.: Oh, the OUTER door...because there's nothing on this one.

U.B.: Maizy, if the object of the game were to get the ball as close to the pins without knocking any of them over, you would be champion of the world.

"Beetle Juice"
Old Barber Bill: He's got hair right down to his goddamned shoulders and he says to me, "Just...just trim it a little."

Betelguese: Stick around, round boy, we're gonna have some laughs.

Delia: Oh look, an indoor outhouse.

Adam: This book reads like stereo instructions.

Receptionist: And let me tell you, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident. (Who, by the way, was played by Carmen from...yes..."Three Amigos".)

Charles: Birdies.

Charles: I had Maxie Dean on the phone.

"One Crazy Summer"
George: CHILI DOG.

"Kicking and Screaming"
Max: Is that a pyjama top?
Otis: No...yes.

Kate: Why's everything gotta be so glum wit'cha? Parkin' spaces, toppings on pizza... (I'm pretty sure that's paraphrased, but that's what stuck.)

Otis: Monkeys, monkeys, Ted, and Alice.

Skippy: COUGARS!

Friedrich: Two grape!

"Donnie Darko"
Crazy Evil Health Teacher: Sometimes I doubt your committment to Sparkle Motion.

"Lone Wolf McQuade"
Dakota: How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?

Wow. I've got weird taste in movies.

HAIRCUT DAY!

It's time for my bi-annual haircut and oooh...there's a lot of debate. Do I go with the Cate, the Reese, or the Kirsten? (And yes, I'm aware that these are all essentially the same cut. For a girl who gets her hair snipped twice in a year, this is obviously a big deal.)

Crazy Religious Day

Jerry Fallwell dies and Cerberus buys Chrysler.

I never would have thought that the three headed hound of hell would do a good job with an auto maker. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Shit Just Got Real

Seriously, just go see it, wouldja?

Hey You Six

I'm reading an article in Spread. It's an interview with Kanye West in which he says this:

I was never interested in Picasso or Basquiat. People think it's blasphemous that I don't like Basquiat. But I never liked his work. I like John Currin a lot, who's got a master's level of artistry. I appreciate art that I look at and think, "Damn, I could never do that." ... It's the same with fashion: Handmade or couture stuff, hand-done embroidery, et cetera, people look at it and say, "That's art." The innate sensibility is that things made by hand are art. When things are thrown together in 30 minutes, my sensibility says, "That's not art. That's not what I like." One thing that's great about architecture is that you know manual labor was involved, that people's hands plastered and placed every little thing.

I was so shocked that Kanye West and I agreed on something that I had to share with the six of you. Me and Kanye? I thought we couldn't be more different, but it turns out we're thinking alike on some things. I wonder what he'd think of Balogna Man.

Gala Done Right

In case you were wondering, here's the way to dress for a gala inspired by the works of Poiret.

More Costume Institute Gala!

Prada had nothing to do with this Danes dress. That was all the work of everyone's favorite heartlight, E.T.


Dr. Venture arrives in his formal bathrobe. And while we're on Urbaniak's doppelgänger, let's talk about his upcoming co-star, Miss Parker Posey.


Or, better yet, let's repeat the old adage "if you have nothing nice to say, come sit by me" (with thanks to "Steel Magnolias" from which I learned all my best lines like "drink your juice, Shelby"). Eh, chuck that. She looks like she was mauled by wolverines. And speaking of wild animals, meet Lapo Elkaan


I have to confess. There are a few images in which Lapo is kinda attractive in a really bitchy, entitled way. And heavens knows palling around with anyone caught with a transsexual whilst high as a kite will make for a fun evening. But this look, although bold as can be, is a little too hollow-eyedey, wrinkly navyey, wide lapelly, velvet loafery lion for me.


Are those racing stripes down the side of Tommy Hilfiger's pants? Is his jacket made from the glossy coat of a jaguar? And is that his gypsy fortune teller predicting he'll come in last in the race for best dressed?


She's just barely keeping that thing up. Or is she inching it down? Hmmm... Either way, if she actually stood up straight I'm 100% sure we'd see boobs.


That's just a damn pillowcase from the Victoria's Secret collection at Sears.

Fashion Round-up: Costume Institute Gala

Saluting the work of Paul Poiret (and honestly, if you don't know his work, you should definitely look it up), this trotting out of the fashion all-stars (and by that I mean designers and Vogue mag staffers) seems pretty close to that scene in "The Devil Wears Prada" for which Emily starves herself only occasionally eating a cube of cheese. Although I've chosen to focus on some folks you might recognize, they were all there - Grace Coddington and her Queen Lizzy hair line, ALT and some sort of capey parachute, and poor size 6 Sally Singer (you know those catty bitches talk about her behind her back).

So, what the hell are we waiting for? Show us the fashion already!


Here's Cate and the suddenly swoonable Nicolas Ghesquière (honestly, girls, that's dreamy although utterly unattainable...so, uh, boys?). Cate looks a wee bit spooked in this photo, but it's probably because she's dressed like the Leg Lamp from "A Christmas Story"'s Tribute To Oscar. I'm also not a fan of the fact that her hair is the reverse of her dress. It messes with the line.

Socialite Fabiola Beracasa, she of the Tinsley Mortimer clique, reminds me of a...well...


And now, to a wine tasting. More tomorrow.

Isabella Blow Shakes Off This Mortal Coil

Fashion icon Isabella Blow has passed on. I may not have liked her every look, but she was most definitely an original spirit in the world of fashion and she most certainly helped my dear Alexander come to power and for that I am forever grateful. Farewell, Isabella. We tip our Treacys to you.

Fly Away Money

Dear Wallet,

I fully understand that the Caboose requires my disposable income and that you are often exhausted, but please, just this once, can I splurge on something utterly irrational? Yes, yes, that BCBG dress was certainly an indulgence of the first order and I should be happy that you were there for me as I went through my Marie Antoinette phase (which is not over, I might add), but I reeeeeeally want this DVD:

Noot's in it, for pity's sake. It's not like I'm asking for much. After all, it's only $45.

So, think about it and get back to me. I know this is a one-way relationship, with me always taking, but I did just clean out all those old receipts so you'd be thin and pretty again. That's got to be worth something, no?

L,
OAA

(or we could always get this new book about Nancy Cunard. Your choice, really.)