Things, They Happen

List of things that have happened recently, noteworthy or otherwise.

1. Finished watching season 3 of "Deadwood" and would like to issue the following hearty letter to the folks at HBO:

Dear Folks at HBO,

Please don't consider this a threat, but if you don't make/air/package/deliver to me those "Deadwood" movies you promised, I will come out there, I will determine just which toothbrush is yours, and I will drop said toothbrush into the nearest toilet. I will then replace that toothbrush to its original location and you will be brushing your teeth from then on with toilet-tainted toothbrushes. And that's just the start of my subtle abuse of your persons.

How you could take THIS away from me is unconscionable.

Sincerely,
OAA

2. I just crammed 13 grapes in my mouth. The key to cramming grapes is to invite people who are not prone to fits of the giggles to watch you as inviting others that do just might lead to the Heimlich.

3. Today my client called Abe Vigoda a "sexy bitch". And really, I have to agree.

4. Fletcher: I bet that waterfall at that cave pool is really spectacular right now.

5. Words I need to start using more: boffo, elemental, verve, spelunk, capitulate.

6. I recently finished reading The Glass Castle which was really good but the title constantly reminds me of that boffo episode of "Arrested Development" in which David Cross instructs the Cockney cabbie to take him to "The Gothic Castle" which he hears as "The Gothic Arsehole" which is, in fact, a very gay bar. As a result, The Glass Castle always becomes The Glass Arsehole in my mind. And I picture David Cross in his leather daddy gear.

And that about sums it up.

Look At Him...Sittin' On That Stool Like He's Doin' It A Favor

The best entire SNL episode ever? Why, I vote April 21st, 1990!

Somewhere, that baby's still on tape just waiting for me to unearth it and share it with the world. But until then, you'll have to tide yourselves over with this audio-challenged vid of one of my favorite sketches featuring host Alec Baldwin and Jan Hooks.

This Is Still One Of My Favorite Pieces Of Advice

Our copywriter at work told me this story and it's still one of my all-time favorites. He heard this little gem outside on the sidewalk one day while eavesdropping on an older man laying down the knowledge to a younger dude:

"See, you don't need to be carryin' no gun. What you need to do, is carry a snake. Say a guy pulls a gun on you--you throw a snake at him. What's he gonna do? He's gonna run, that's what he'll do. And he'll probably drop the gun. Ya see, there's just some things people is scared of. And snakes is one of 'em."

Truth.

It's Your Turn, America!

Now's your chance to make a decision that will impact the Abler archives for years to come! Should Henry title his slip sleeve of old birthday party negatives based on the antiquated name given by those not in touch with today's politically correct lifestyle or should he select one that fully illustrates just how far we as a nation have come and select my idea? It's your choice, America! Vote and make your voice heard!
(I cannot guarantee that said party will name said slip sleeve based on the poll's results, but you guys should be used to electoral disappointment by now.)

Amy Tour Of Texas: My Hair Hurts And Keep Your Hands Off My Geegaws!

So, as some of you may know, I just took a vacation to Texas to visit two lovely girls - both named Amy. This certainly makes for a fun trip as both are Amy Katherines and both are sheer delights and dear friends. Most of the time was spent reminiscing and talking for hours and hours, but since that certainly doesn't make for an interesting blog post, I thought it might be good to share a bit of the exciting aspects of the tour.

BY THE NUMBERS
ONE: photos of Scott Foley spotted in a Ladue High yearbook which naturally makes me 3 degrees away from Jennifer Garner, Michael Jackson sing-a-longs attended, 1,000-year-old tree visited, professional massages received, Zilker Zephyr rides, outdoor showers taken
TWO: "live croaker" flags, laps swum in my beautiful new pool at LASR, deer leaping the fence in Lamar, watches of the Gladys Hardy phone call on "Ellen"
THREE: fire ant bites, overeating occurances, animals that didn't rile my allergies thanks to Singulair
FOUR: "Talladega Nights" lines quoted, Amys involved (hey Budget Rental girl!), pelican photos taken to torment Double E, new friends made (shout out to Holly, Bonner, Rochelle & Jenny!), road trips taken, park visits
FIVE: golden rings (there weren't any good fives)
SIX: times we ran up and down the sidewalk to watch a building dance performance
SEVENTY TWELVE: dolphin spottings at Clarks in Port O'Connor

And I simply have to mention the swoonable food: garden burger combo with lemonade at P.Terrys, vegetarian Frito Pie at Shady Grove, a potatoey thing from Malaga, pecan pie a la mode at Shady Grove, cocktail sauce (on fried shrimp) at Clarks, slap-yo-momma-it's-so-good Indian at The Clay Pit, breakfast tacos & fried green tomatoes at that funny little diner where our server from Club DeVille was working, and a big ol' pile of Mexican consumed in Victoria.

The unfortunate downsides of all this frivolity: TSA taking my dilled green beans (BASTARDS!!), having to leave the Amys

So, that's about it. Need more? Want pictures? Go here!

My Compliments To The Chef

He cooked up a great Texas vacation for me and soon...very soon...there will be details on said vacation. Until then, I'd like all the obviously deranged who fancy Jude Law and wouldn't hesitate if asked to make out with him to feast their eyes on these specimens illustrating exactly why Mr. Law will never be within 50 feet of me.

Irresponsible.

After a couple of long weeks at the office, we took a washer break today at lunch. You know, hoosier horseshoes? Anyway, we enjoyed a nice hour (or so) out at Tower Grove Park with some AB products and some fun in the sun. The problem? I got sunburned.

Whoops.

Stealing

Just like The Wife's list, I'm making a list of 100 favorite things. In order to not be unduly influenced by her list, I've slowly been thinking about these things while completely avoiding her blog. (I'm so succeptible to suggestion!)

Alexander McQueen's Scanners collection
Alice in Wonderland
Animal shows for children
Anthropologie
Antique maps
Aquavit
Audrey Hepburn
Aunt Dan & Lemon
Autumn
Balloons
Bid Me To Live
Birds walking
Blankets
Boats
Brock Samson
Braids
Brunch at Duff's
Carousels
Cheese pizza
Christmas tree smell
"Cinema Paradiso"
Cirque du Soleil
Clouds
Colored file folders
Condiment aisles at grocery stores
Edgar
Eels' "Electro-Shock Blues"
Egg salad
Fashion magazines
Field trips
Fireplaces
Fountain pens
Frank Gehry's carp
Games
Giving compliments
Glasses
Gregory Crewdson
Heartland Cafe in Chicago
High heels
High tea
The House of Mirth
Hula Hoops, the snack
Irish milk
Jaguar E-types
Jake's in Jamaica
Jean Shrimpton
John William Waterhouse's "The Lady of Shalott"
Libraries
Light blue and red
Lily of the Valley
Limeade
Lobster creole
London, England
Lucy Honeychurch
Martini glasses
Mashed potatoes
Maurizio Cattelan's "Bidibidobidiboo"
Medical books
Mix Tapes/CDs
Mosquito nets
Mr. Wayne Loui
My birthday
My grandmother's bedroom set
My iPod
My old wool gabardine J.Crew dress
Old photographs
Older people
Olympic fever
Orangutans
Picnics
Pool toy smell
The porch of the Grand Hotel
Pulp (band, not the noun)
Radiohead's "OK Computer"
Ribbons
Road trips
Roller coasters
Saturn
Saturn's moon Iapetus
Shalom Harlow
Sheldrick Wildlife Trust
Sleeping
Smithwick's
Snowy nights
Sofia Sparkling Wine
Steve Martin
The Sun Also Rises
Swimming
T.S. Eliot
Tangerines
Tea & Sympathy in NYC
Tea sets, especially my ocean creatures set
The Divine Comedy (the band, not the book)
The Scottish Arms
The Standard on Sunset in LA
Tom Collinses
"Twin Peaks"
Waves
Wings
Wood paneled rooms

Great. Now I have to like him.

Ben Affleck actually makes me wonder if maybe I've been wrong about him all along.

Plus, I watched "The Departed" this weekend and thought Leonardo DiCaprio did a great job in it, although the movie itself is pretty meh. And I also watched "Pride and Prejudice" and found myself really liking Keira Knightley. Not that I really didn't like either of those people, but never found reason to like them. Those performances, however, are making me think that maybe I should start embracing them too.

God. Let's hope Renee Zellweger doesn't pull any humanitarian/good acting stunts soon or I'm done for.

Hey L.A.!

"Hooch & Daddy-O" will screen at the 2007 MockFest on Saturday, June 2nd @ 1 PM at the Vine Theatre on Hollywood Blvd.

And yes. I will be in it making this exact face.

No One Belongs Here More Than The Ping Pong Stove

I'll admit it. I only kinda liked Miranda July's film "Me and You and Everyone We Know". But that's only because I only kinda liked some of the characters and in a totally character driven piece, I need to like all the characters or need to really hate at least some of them to make me fully satisfied. And also it moved a little slow for me. Not that I need things to move fast. I actually like things that move a little slow and let you think about what's happening like "Trois Couleurs: Bleu" which definitely moves slow, but in a fulfilling sort of way. Her film just moved slowly because, I don't know, Miranda July was savoring pudding that day or something. Her mind seems to be as random and fluffy as my own so I can see her slowing down to enjoy some butterscotch pudding and thinking that the movie needed to move at that pace. And since she was the director, well, she had that kinda power.

Now she's got a book which has a website which is just grand. I really like it a lot and now I wish I had an old style stove like hers so I could write notes on it. I've got one of those all-burners-no-spoon-rest type stoves which I like a lot but which Tina calls the Ping Pong Stove because it intermittently pops while it's cooking and makes a sound like a really far away ping pong ball being hit in a super slow match. But I like the sound. It's the sound of things warming up and getting ready to be eaten. And I like that it's a slow ping pong stove because, like I said, I'm okay with things moving slowly as long as it's in a fulfilling sort of way.

Racist Bastard

I doubt the logic behind this statement and would like to thwack Stefano Pilati in the face with one of his over-sized, over-priced handbags. And look at that face! So utterly punchable!
Ban YSL!

His pouty Zoolander face came from here.

Sad Songs They Say *sniff* So *whimper* Much (Insert Bawling Here), Part 2

We already know what #1 is, but today, inspired by Spinner's list of 25, I made a list of my 10. There's more, most certainly, but I've got too much work to do to add another 15.

1. “The Drugs Don’t Work” by The Verve
Holy crap, don’t even get me started or I’ll start crying right here and now. Sad, sad, sad song about someone slowly dying that gets me every time. This is, not doubt about it, the saddest song ever.

2. “I Didn’t Understand” by Elliott Smith
It’s even sadder now that he’s mysteriously dead. Well, the death isn’t a mystery. It’s how he died that’s mysterious. Still, dead depressed person formerly addicted to heroin with a pretty soul who wrote incredible lyrics = sad.

3. “They Can’t Take That Away From Me” by Fred Astaire
Not a song man, more a dance man, but this version of this song is just a sweet and poignant good-bye.

4. “If You Go Away” by Emiliana Torrini
It’s a remake of “Ne Me Quitte Pas” which is sad in and of itself, but this Icelandic sprite has changed the lyrics and made them even more weepy.

5. “Slow Tango” by Jane Siberry
CHRIST this song is sad.

6. “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman
This is a situational thing. It reminds me of the summer after 8th grade when my family went to Hilton Head with my best friend at the time. The song was everywhere and it just calls to mind reading The Scarlet Letter and wondering a lot if Jennifer and I would still be friends after we started high school. It’s also a super sad song about dreams not coming true, incidentally.

7. Untitled song from R.E.M’s Green album
Totally a personal thing. My friend Chris was leaving for the circus (long, long story) and this was on a tape that he made me.

8. “I’ve Seen It All” by Bjork, from the movie “Dancer In The Dark”
If you haven’t seen this movie, up your dose of Thorazine and rent it. You’re going to need those numbing pills just to get through it. I’ve basically forbidden myself from watching it ever again because the last time I saw it I cried so much I used an entire box of Kleenex. I’m not kidding. An. Entire. Box. This song comes when you realize that no matter what happens, Bjork’s character's not coming out of this in a good place.

9. “Dream A Little Dream Of Me” by any number of people
Who knows why I think this song is sad? I just do.

10. “Strange Fruit” by Billie Holiday
Probably the saddest sad song about something I can’t even comprehend that happened less than a lifetime ago. All the other songs about love and loss can’t compare to the sad history this song relates.

Pat McGrath Saved Henry's Job Today

Sometimes I have very strange, very amusing dreams. This morning was no exception. See, H was up super early yesterday and had an 18 hour long day (and having those previously, they are wretched even without having to fly to and from DFW) so he was rather tired when we finally fell asleep at midnight. He had to get up rather early to be at work at 7:30a and the alarm was set for 6a.

The alarm went off and I, ignorant of time/reality in the morning, returned to sleep which is when I had this dream.

I was at Shalom Harlow's house. And, you know, we were making pies. It was a cute little farmy cottage in Canada and we were talking and generally being friends and rolling dough and had flour on our noses and the usual stuff I do when Shalom asks me over. After a bit of this domesticity, the door bell rings and Pat McGrath, famous makeup artist is there. Shalom squeals and tells me that Pat's going to do our makeup, just 'cuz. Hey, it's a dream, I'm at a supermodel's house making pies. Don't ask why we'd need fresh, professionally applied makeup for this. So, Pat's in, Shalom's first, and the three of us are girl talking. Then, it's my turn and Pat and I are talking lipstick. See, I've been looking for this lipstick that's not quite glossy, not quite matte, in just the right plummy shade of wine. But I can't find it. So, naturally, Pat pulls out a NARS lip palette and in it is the prefect shade in the perfect texture. I'm marveling over it and notice there's all the normal shades in this palette - coral, pale pink, rich red, etc. - and there's a few more odd ones like a pale green. I ask Pat (yes, first name basis) what the green is for, exactly. She tells me to open my mouth wide and she puts a wee bit on her lip brush and applies it way at the back of my mouth on my tonue. I let her do it and when she's done I ask her again, "So, what's the green used for then?" She looks me straight in the eye and says, "So you can open your mouth wider." "Open my mouth wider?" "Yes. So you can tell your boyfriend he's oversleeping."

I woke up, H was oversleeping, it was 7:03a. He basically had ten minutes. Pat saved the day. Thanks, Pat.

Albania!

After a mention of Albania on "Globe Trekker", I searched for the song from "Cheers" about Albania. First thing I find? Otis' poker blog in which Joey Two-Hands plays a role. I'm not sure how much they reveal their true identities whilst using their poker monkers (uh, Marty? What's yours?) so I won't tell you who they really are, but I will tell you that they are friends that I don't get to see nearly enough and that through them is how I might someday actually come face to face with my old high school crush - Wil Wheaton. (Uh...was I "Amy No Tail" in that weird naming session? I can't recall who was No Tail.)

So, the full lyrics, no thanks to poker boy Otis, are "Albania! Albania! You border on the Adriatic. Your land is mostly mountainous and your chief export is chrome."

Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Vogue

Should they put a baby in a designer blanket? Probably not. But, as I said on Fashionista.com, if it gets them money, I'm okay with it. I'd rather see a baby in designer blankets than orphaned and starving to death in the wild. And speaking of Sheldrick, don't you need to adopt an orphaned baby elephant today?

Image from Style.com, home of all things Wintour.

The Boat's Leaving, Karl

With your sanity, as evidenced by this photo op.

Y'see, dahlings, old Karl is now back on the Lohan tip and he's kookoo for kracked out headbands! This time 'round, it's Chanel's Cruise line, which is a real fashion season now, not just something you might book passage on to the Western Caribbean. So, Krazy Karl trotted out all his hottest items and high wattage fans for a fashion show in an airplane hangar. Let's take a peek inside, shall we?

Why there's too-famous-to-be-bothered Elisha Cuthbert! So chic in her purple neck brace, clutching her mismatched purple bag. Remind me, dear readers, what has she done besides that soft-core-porn-next-door film? And speaking of dubious celebs,

the lovely Camilla Belle had a teensy run-in with the gift wrapping department, but like the trooper she is, she made it to Karl's show!

Now I'm not really an Alba fan, nor am I an Alba dissenter, but I must come out and tell you, loves, that she looks simply delighful here considering the dregs with which she was surrounded. The dregs, OAA? Why yes, dears. We haven't even begun to barf over the fashion!

Case in point:

Yes, poodles, that's a man with roller skates 'round his neck with his track jacket tucked into his track pants. It's okay if you need to leave the room to laugh up your lunch. I already did. (Oooh! Perhaps this is Herr Karl's new diet plan! Laughing Up Lunches! He did this intentionally to keep us all from being chubby! Oh, thank you, Bewigged One!)

For the man who has everything already Bedazzled,

The Sequinned Bathrobe.


Lisa Cant totally got screwed on this show. Not only did she have to drag this doggie bag around for one exit, but for her other, she had to wear this:

SWEET CHRIST WHAT IS THAT?!? Those are open-toed shouchy boots! And are those cut-offs worn with Chanel's take on the formal baja? Are the shorts puking up those flaps from their waistline? Words...they fail me.

And you know it's bad when your favorite look was something so matchy-matchy, it makes even your mother a little queasy:


It seems even big-time-fancy-pants-cover-of-Vogue-Gemma-twin Sasha can't figure it out.

Each time I see this photo...and trust me, she's making this face in every one...I hear the "hruwuhhh?" sound Scooby-Doo made.


For more fashion induced bulimia/Chanel Cruise looks, check out Style.com from which all fashion show images emanate.

Speaking Of Maxie Dean...

Uh, why did no one tell me he was working with Emerald Nuts? Seriously. You 6 are really letting me down.

Check out the awesome Gouletness HERE!

Or, just make your own!

How Movies Have Changed My Life

I regularly reference movies in everyday conversation. Obscure, strange references that upon mentioning them, should others get my reference, they immediately become my new best friends. I remember when I realized that Matt Fraction knew "Three Amigos" as obsessively as I did and now, I think, should we ever be trapped in a room together, it would eventually devolve into Dusty Bottoms quotes. After quoting "Beetle Juice" today in reference to a spreadsheet I received from a vendor ("this book reads like stereo instructions"), I thought I might make a wee list of some of the lines I've worked into my repetoire, just because. There's one new line in there that I'm going to be working hard to adopt so if I reference lockjaw around you, maybe a thumbs up is in order.

"Three Amigos"
El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora?

Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?

El Guapo: It's a sweater!

Sam: Take the Amigos' clothes.

"Steel Magnolias"
M'Lynn: Drink your juice, Shelby.

"Uncle Buck"
Maizy: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

U.B.: Oh, the OUTER door...because there's nothing on this one.

U.B.: Maizy, if the object of the game were to get the ball as close to the pins without knocking any of them over, you would be champion of the world.

"Beetle Juice"
Old Barber Bill: He's got hair right down to his goddamned shoulders and he says to me, "Just...just trim it a little."

Betelguese: Stick around, round boy, we're gonna have some laughs.

Delia: Oh look, an indoor outhouse.

Adam: This book reads like stereo instructions.

Receptionist: And let me tell you, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident. (Who, by the way, was played by Carmen from...yes..."Three Amigos".)

Charles: Birdies.

Charles: I had Maxie Dean on the phone.

"One Crazy Summer"
George: CHILI DOG.

"Kicking and Screaming"
Max: Is that a pyjama top?
Otis: No...yes.

Kate: Why's everything gotta be so glum wit'cha? Parkin' spaces, toppings on pizza... (I'm pretty sure that's paraphrased, but that's what stuck.)

Otis: Monkeys, monkeys, Ted, and Alice.

Skippy: COUGARS!

Friedrich: Two grape!

"Donnie Darko"
Crazy Evil Health Teacher: Sometimes I doubt your committment to Sparkle Motion.

"Lone Wolf McQuade"
Dakota: How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?

Wow. I've got weird taste in movies.

HAIRCUT DAY!

It's time for my bi-annual haircut and oooh...there's a lot of debate. Do I go with the Cate, the Reese, or the Kirsten? (And yes, I'm aware that these are all essentially the same cut. For a girl who gets her hair snipped twice in a year, this is obviously a big deal.)