An Open Letter To America Regarding A Certain Lohan

Hi there, U.S.,

I've written this letter because I know we have a lot to talk about - politics, wars, moronic presidents that should have what's left of their brains removed with bendy straws - but let's get down to the serious stuff, the stuff we really care about. Let's talk Lindsay Lohan. Hell, everyone else is so why not you and me?

See, here's the thing - gurl crazy. She's got a lot of "issues" including, but not limited to, daddy abandonment, growing up fast, unstable mother, liars as friends, and certainly a load of people around her under her employ that are up to no good. Why am I talking about this when we have those straws to deploy in a certain world leader's nostrils? Well, y'all seem to be fascinated with her and I just want to make sure we're all on the same page here. You're fascinated because she's a train wreck, right? You're not fascinated because she's breaking new acting ground in a movie starring a car, are you? You're just fascinated because she's clearly too young to go to nightclubs that are 21+, but she's allowed in anyway, correct? You're just into her for all the shallow, mind-boggling reasons I am, because if you think she's the Bernhardt of our generation, well, read this, brought to my attention via Imaginary Socialite and let me know what you think: Lindsay in ELLE.

Done? Okay.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? She is out of her frigging mind if she expects us to believe she's normal. I was 20 and I can tell you for a fact that I never behaved in such an outlandish, selfish, boorish, bordering on conversationally retarded manner. Hell, for that matter I was 7 and can report the same to be true. Does anyone ever tell her no? Does anyone ever say, "Hey, Linds, you're fucking mental, your mom's apeshit, your dad's in jail, you're friends with Kate Moss (who is eternally beautiful but has issues of her own), why don't we take this down a notch for a while and let things cool off."? What this girl needs, America, is what no one will ever give her - a mental beatdown. She needs to be reminded that she is an ACTOR in MOVIES, not god's gift to the development of society. I am so sick of her and her ilk that expect everything will be handed to them if they continue to act the way they do. So, as a collective - you and me, USA - let's just ignore her. It worked pretty well with Paris' music career so let's direct this toward Ms. Lohan. Just stop paying attention and let her calm her freak ass down. And, she wants it that way, nation of my birth: "I have this Andy Warhol lighter—it means so much to me—that has this quote on it. I wish I knew it exactly, but it says something like, 'Everyone in the world will eventually have their 15 minutes of fame.' Something similar to that. But it's so true!" SEE! She passively aggressively wants her time to be up. (Let's not get started on the fact that this well-established quote has come to her in the form of a lighter. Let's just leave that alone because that just conjures up images of her learning Shakespeare via novelty coffee mugs and that's an entirely different kettle of uneducated fish.) Stop reading about her on-again-off-again flings with floppy haired man children. Stop watching videos of her doing high-kicks in alleys for no reason. Stop wondering if she's going to be in Louis Vuitton ads or Fendi ads or Chanel ads or ads for prescription meds (which she should be as a cautionary tale at the very least). Just stop.

And send her to me for a real talking to that will slap some damn sense into her completely empty head.

Thanks, country o' mine,

OAA