Spamalot

Dear Blogger,

Like 4 people read my blog and I know for a fact that none of them are mesothelioma attorneys in New York so I'm wondering just who is commenting on my entries. Tai Chiers, people who want me to work from home, that anonymous guy who runs a site about ##ROCKMUSIC##? These aren't the 4 regular readers, that's for sure. So, see what you can do about this and get back to me. Until then, I'm just gonna turn off comments for a while. Mesothelioma, although fun to say, isn't really what I'm about.

Love,
OAA

Store Wars

Someone asked me today why I don't go to Whole Foods and I really didn't have a good answer save the fact that I'm a Wild Oats girl. No Whole Paycheck for me. I'm sure it's great and earthy and, well, wholesome, but I just love those Wild Oats folks. Everyone there is so sweet and "hi how are you" that just going there is a pleasure. Today, while waiting for my smoothie and wheatgrass shot, I milled up and down the aisles and each Wild Oater I encountered said a sincere hello or smiled kindly. No hippie haughtiness here! No sir! And when the wheatgrasser broke, the juice lady offered to come and bring me my shot so I wouldn't have to traipse back to the counter. Now that's service. And that's why I'm an Oatie.

I am also a Dierbergs girl. I know they don't build in the city and I know that's a bad thing, but I can't leave Dorothy the Deli Lady. Now, the Hill Schnucks is a close second because they seem to have the highest concentration of oldster employees and I think we all know how I feel about the oldsters. But, when it comes down to it, I go out of my way to the Brentwood Dierbergs where there's a nice balance of Deli Dorothy and Bill the oldster bagger man.

Targets are a problem. In a few days our new Target with underground parking opens and that will be a red letter day, to be sure. But, until then, it's catch as catch can and no one wants to catch what they've got at the Brentwood Target. All the closed Target clientele spilled over into that Target's range and now it's packed, understocked, and they've got the skinnest aisles ever. I hate it passionately and have been known to drive way the hell out to Chesterfield to go to their wide lane Target where there's never any waiting for anything. It's worth the drive to get things done in a reasonably comfortable environment. And if this new Target doesn't live up to the hype, I'll keep heading 30 miles out just to hit the comfy Tarzhay.

Notes and Such

1. The fact that Kate Moss does drugs is about as surprising as discovering that models develop eating disorders. This is no news flash. The unfortunate thing is that now that the chips are down, her clients who loved her while she was coked up don't want to be within 10 feet of her.

2. Henry asked if I hated Coldplay because of the singer's marriage to GP and I had to admit that I'm not hating her anymore. I'm directing all that toward Zellweger. Now we'll see if my vow holds up when I receive my next issue of Vogue.

3. It's high time someone invented teleportation. I am sick of all this string theory and new forms of matter crap Science seems to be wasting its time on. Pull it together and get me from here to there without the reservations and boarding passes and time delays.

4. Wild Oats is my new favorite. I just wish I were closer because then I could have more mousse cupcakes! More wheatgrass! More bar-be-qued meatish products! More giant smoothies!

5. Maybe the Vietnamese bedroom needs to head back to the Russian farmhouse aesthetic. Suddenly, icy green is feeling played.

6. Thanks to Jenschuetz and Naz for making me go back to the Fox & Hound for ridiculous drinks. But no thanks for going away again.

7. City Museum for my birthday and I am definitely buying knee pads for this trip. I plan on crawling around until they kick me out. And I'm wearing my sash.

Didn't See That One Coming

Lemme just try something...




Patricia Arquette, Emmy Winner for "Medium".




Nope. Didn't help. Still as unbelievable as ever.

I Pity The Gold Chains

Miss Kelly Sue forwarded an article to me today about Mr. T bidding adieu to his gold chains forever in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and I must confess, I was shocked.

//As for the gold chains, he says, "Because of the situation we're in now (after Katrina), I told myself, 'No, T, you can never wear your gold again. ' It's an insult to God."//

That sounds suspiciously like the reason there's no Sunday days-of-the-week-underpants. And I love the fact that he talks to himself in the 3rd person.

But fortunately, not everything T is going the way of the dodo.

//What will remain the same is T's signature mohawk and repeated use of the word "fool." "I might say, 'Don't be disrespecting no lady, fool.'"//

Whew.

You Can See The Stars

You Can See The Stars

I don't want this to become a New Orleans obsessed blog, but I definitely want to point out this lovely and heartbreaking article from the NYT.

Truth About New Orleans

Happy Dog Potatohead's Blog

(Thanks JenSchuetz for the coding help.)

Much love to you and yours, Happy Dog Potatohead. Your Old Aunt's thinking of you and do let her know if you need anything - absolutely anything.

Hate Is Not A Family Value

“We got a lot of rebuilding to do…. The good news is — and it’s hard for some to see it now — but out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast…. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott’s house — the guy lost his entire house — there’s going to be fantastic house. I look forward to sitting on the porch.” - "President" George W. Bush waxing rhapsodic about mint juleps with Trenty

Yeah, it may not be a family value, but aren't there special exemptions for certain folks?

Total Eclipse Of My Taste

Someone who lives with me (and shall remain blissfully anonymous to protect him from the rabid Bonnie Tyler fans the world over) thinks "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" isn't cool and I simply have to respond in a public forum.

1. Bonnie Tyler loses her voice after each and every performance of that song. Maybe she doesn't really, but the way she belts those lyrics out, she probably could. Lots of hot tea and honey, that one has.
2. It's seven freakin' minutes! SEVEN! That takes guts!
3. The background sleigh bells.
4. The "fireworks" courtesy the song's prodigious drum section during the bridge.
5. The girly "turn around bright eyes" bits. That's pure genius. The juxtaposition of Bonnie's husky man voice and the high-pitched crooning of the prissy male voice? It's like two great tastes that taste just the opposite of how you think they should.
6. Melancholy piano open AND close = destined for greatness. Most just take the open or the close. Both? That means the song's SERIOUS.
7. Castanets play a big role in the song. Castanets, people.
8. There's that whoosh of wind in there that makes you feel like you're out on the moors with Bonnie in some puffy sleeved ensemble, hair crimped, eyes blue-eyeshadowed, hoping that now isn't the moment when she falls apart.
9. "Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark." Just let that sink in for a minute.
10. It's "Total Eclipse Of THE Heart", not "My Heart" or "A Heart" but rather THE heart. That means that Bonnie's heart is the only heart and it's been eclipsed. Your heart doesn't matter here. It's THE heart we should worry about.
11. That it takes itself so goddamn seriously. Back in the 80's there was some dude who was like the board operator for that song and used it as his calling card for the ladies. You know he did. And he probably had a non-ironic mullet and shoulder pads.

And that's just eleven of the reasons that I have a ridiculous level of love for the goofy drama that is "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". If that doesn't make my case, I don't know what will.

Musical Nostalgia

Trying on jeans is far from nostalgia-inducing. If it does evoke memories of the past, it's usually unpleasant "I remember I could wear a 2 in high school" kinds of nostalgia. But lately the Gap's got a new twist - try on jeans, get a free iTunes download. Now, that in and of itself isn't conjuring memories of the past, but what I elected to do with the download is. I got it home and perused all the countless offerings of current hipsters, R&B tough guys, and sensitive-boys-with-guitars and finding them all fruitless, I began to consider the past. And downloaded "The Goonies R Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper.

First off, the movie is one of my favorites. And secondly, it reminds me of playing Goonies in the park just 5 houses away from my new digs. My brother and I would climb all over the playground of "Shady Park" and call for Data to explode candles and Mouth to translate Spanish. Since I was there, why stop the Nostalgia Express so I picked up a few more like "Love Is A Battlefield" and "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Call me an 80's freak, but those were some good ol' days and the music was just corny enough to be cool.

One Month

In India, my birthday is a national holiday.

I think this magazine speaks for itself.

Now, what it's saying is another matter entirely...especially the headline in the lower left corner.

Girl Crushes

Last week on "Today" which was blissfully Couric-free, they did an "in-depth" report on this new phenomenon sweeping the nation known as the "girl crush". Now, these girls aren't in LOVE with the objects of their crushing - heavens, no! They are just infatuated with their impeccable style or their really neat hair or the way they run their household or something. In love?...bah. The girl crush is just the idolization of someone you aspire to be someday! Yeah! That's it! And it's new! All new! America's just invented this!

I laughed the whole way through. They trotted out some "experts" and most of the interview was led by Lauer who (ha ha ha) has had girl crushes before and it just seemed so corny and so "we're liberated now because Sarah Jessica Parker had a show where girls talked about liking other girls and stuff but they weren't gay so, you know". It was so patronizing and cheezy and most of the "on the street" girls had crushes on their best friends who they know really well and they're such neat women and like wow.

As you may have guessed, I really hated this report. The girl crush isn't on people you're best friends with. No, dear. That's just admiration and years of mutual support and lots of things in common and LOVE, not crushings. Crushes are when you see a girl and she's so pretty you have to just sneak another peek. Crushes are when you can't really talk to the girl because they wrote some brilliant short story or painted that amazing picture or dedicated their life to a cause. Crushes are on people you're afraid to look the fool in front of because they have this amazing command of the language so you skate around issues and talk innocuously about the weather and the like. It's how you were around boys when you were in high school and yeah, news flash, you may actually be attracted to that person. And you know what, that's okay. Your boyfriend's not going to leave you, you don't have to ask your parents to attend PFLAG meetings, you do not have to start watching "The L Word" (it's not that good anyway), and above all, you're not gay because you like some girl. So, Matt Lauer, you may know just a hint about psychiatry, but you don't know anything about real girl crushes.

A Small Sampling of OAA's Girl Crushes
Dr. Ferrari
Jane Goodall
Shalom Harlow
Natalie Coughlin

Gave Me A Pear, Started Sprayin' Her Hair, And Showed Me A Photo Of Ritchie Sambora

"Now his girlfriend's cute but I can't look ovah 'cuz it might start an ugly rumah.
If he hears loose tawlk, 'round my body they'll draw chalk. He's like Andrew Dice Clay witout a sense of humah."

I wish I could unearth my 1989 VHS copy of Colin Quinn's "Goin' Back To Brooklyn" but I haven't seen it since...oh...1989.

Where have you gone, my comedy gem!?!

Creative Hearing, Part 2

In reference to Sawyer kicking Jin on "Lost":
Amy's hearing: "That was a wee cake."
What Henry really said: "That was a weak kick."

In reference to a message destined to Marcia.
Amy's hearing: "I have a booger keeper."
What Bianca really said: "I have a note for the bookkeeper."

What will she hear next? Stay tuned.

Rotten Youth of America

Dear Girl Exiting the St. Louis Bread Co.,

Hi. You may not have noticed me as I held the door open for you, but I sure did notice you! You were walking at normal speed, sure that I would open the door to allow you to pass, and since I'm a nice girl, I did indeed open that door. That's when you breezed out like royalty and completely ignored innocent ol' me. Well, you may have ignored me, sister, but I got a good look at you.

Nice gym shorts. And, child, I would have been haughty were I dressed to kill in McQueen, but you, my dear, were attired in a ratty tee and the aforementioned gymwear. No makeup or hair to speak of, and believe me, cherie, that was a risk. Yet, with all this working against you, you still had the nerve to act like the world owed you that opened door. You sauntered out like you were leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake, but in reality, little one, you were being trailed by what looked like refugees from a sale at Goodwill who kindly thanked me (and please note they were of your age group and were probably in your class).

Speaking of class, by the location and your attire, I'd guess you were a student at a local girl's Catholic high school. Just a note on your academy of higher learning: when I was selecting my school, I passed over yours because on the tour they chose to highlight the fact that home economics was required. Ahh...that's class.

So, you little twerp, next time you act like a bitch, don't be surprised if I'm there to trip you.

Sincerely,
OAA

(Dear readers - she totally deserved this to her face, but I had to get back upstairs to work.)

Creative Hearing Part 1

I have this thing. I claim it's Creative Hearing because back when I had a ringing in my ears and had an audiologist test my hearing, I passed with flying colors so, obviously, it's not a huge back-up of wax or too many nights at MU330 shows during my formative years. But regardless, I don't hear well. I hear things I THINK you said perfectly, but usually that's not anywhere NEAR what you actually said. Sometimes this makes me laugh like a hyena. Case in point: Saturday night.

Henry, Tina, and I all go see "Wedding Crashers" at the Chase. Not a terrible movie. A little lagging at times and I really wanted to cut Owen Wilson's hair, but that Rachel McAdams has a good Jennifer-Garner-minus-Ben-Affleck thing going so it wasn't a total loss. After it was over and we were separated while wending our way out of the theater, Tina caught me and quietly said she was going to the bathroom. Common. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Except I heard, "Look, there's Mothra." And I looked. And then realized what she really said, and realized I was obviously nuts for looking down the lobby expecting to see Mothra, and then I started laughing. And when I say "laughing" I mean uncontrollable, eye-tearing, occasionally snorting, face-turning-red laughing. And since she had no idea I had thought this because she was well on her way to the bathroom when it all dawned on me, I was standing there alone, in this state, as people spilled out of the theater.

When Henry finally found me, I was laughing too hard to even fully tell him the story so he gave up and went to the bathroom. And that just brought it all back so I was laughing hysterically alone again.

And this happens all the time - maybe not all that laughing, but definitely all that Creative Hearing thing. So, when it does, I'll be sure to let you know. And if you see Mothra at the movies, tell him I said hello.

Auto Oddicism

Why did someone approve of using the "What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor" tune as background music in the Toyota Time commercial?

And while I'm on the subject, Lee Iacocca and Snoop Dogg?

Shocking

I can't believe the domain "biteme.com" hasn't been snapped up yet.

Fun OAA Facts

I like it when people are nice for no reason.
I like it when older ladies have long grey hair.
I like rainstorms.
I still think Harry Connick, Jr. is cute.
I don't like jeans that don't fit at home despite the fact that they seemed to fit in the store.
I like swimming laps, but I don't like goggle eyeball marks.
I like driving down streets to see neighborhoods I've simply driven past previously.
I think baseball games are only fun at the stadium. Otherwise they're just too long.
I am currently fascinated by birds.
I like balloons.
I like Baby Ruth candy bars.
I don't think "Will & Grace" is generally funny. But then, I hate shows with excessive laugh tracking.
I don't like those "we're for dogs"/"we're for puppies" commercials because I am allergic to dogs and want one really a whole lot.
I like sweet tea.
I like words, but sometomes don't like what they mean.
I wish I could have my cake and eat it too.