100 Lies I've Never Told

A few years ago there was a thing called Delphi Forums that was all the rage with a certain set of my friends, both in person friends and friends I've only known online. We chatted about everything - movies, books, food - and there were a few great things that came out of those forums like "Simple Pleasures Hurley" and some other literary gems contributed by dozens of hilarious people that live all over the world. It was a simple system - one person would come up with a thread and all the forum members would contribute if they had something to say about that thread. And honestly, I checked those forums probably 10 times a day, reading all sorts of thoughts from all sorts of people.

One of those threads was "100 Lies I've Never Told". The idea was to write 100 lies you've never told about yourself and the more outlandish the better. Now some people on these forums were damn funny and I tried my best to keep up with them. Actually, they were brilliantly funny, wickedly witty, and incredibly insane (but in a good way). I posted my 100 and recently found a copy of them. So, now I'll share them with the 6 of you. I hope you enjoy them and Delphiers? Consider this a big shout out to all of you.

100 Lies I've Never Told

1. It used to be "Animal, Vegetable, or Amy". I made them change it because I felt self-conscious.
2. I was originally cast as KITT in "Knight Rider".
3. I'm raising Sea Monkeys in my spinal fluid.
4. The Pope and I get into heated games of Connect Four twice a month.
5. Once, after being angered beyond all limits, I shrunk the majestic broccoli tree into the vegetable we know today so that it might be eternally punished for its earlier wrong doings.
6. I was married to Barry Manilow for three glorious weeks. I called him "Banilow".
7. I fought in nine matches for the WWF as "The Butter Churn".
8. I've been immortalized as a bobblehead.
9. Onions don't make me cry.
10. "JAWS" is based on my life story.
11. My middle name is "Bitchslap".
12. "Oligarchy " is tattooed on the back of my neck.
13. I keep thousands of wolverines as pets.
14. Sometimes, while watching television, I can astral project into Ed Asner.
15. I am the Tooth Fairy.
16. I invented a teleportation device, but it was destroyed by the creators of "Dr. Who".
17. My liver is iron clad.
18. I am impervious to hair pulling.
19. My first job was Executive Assistant to LBJ where I was in charge of the shoe polishing machine.
20. I have smoked shitloads of crack.
21. And lived to tell about it.
22. Eight of the songs of Nick Cave were inspired by my relationship with a fruit bat.
23. I've licked three heads of state.
24. I can unbend pretzels with my mind.
25. It was my idea to almost entirely change the cast on "The Facts of Life".
26. However, I didn't have anything to do with the casting of Geri.
27. I make the patterns for snowflakes.
28. I was the inspiration for Donkey Kong.
29. Scathing articles about my sexual conquests regularly appear in European magazines.
30. I julienne fries.
31. I faked my death in 1984.
32. I invented the art of plate spinning.
33. I told Mr. T to get the mohawk.
34. I dream only of Abraham Lincoln sitting at the top of a short totem pole quietly repeating the lyrics of "Muskrat Love". All other dreams have been concocted to entertain.
35. My feet are way bigger than you think.
36. I am barred from traveling through Indiana thanks to comments made regarding their Daylight Savings Time policy.
37. I use eggplants to transport illicit drugs through the mail.
38. If I sit entirely still, I can pick up Danish radio stations with my eyelashes.
39. My father is Don Knotts.
40. My mom is really Omar Sharif in disguise. My REAL mom is Sandy Duncan.
41. I can hover three inches above any solid surface made entirely of aluminum.
42. I was Zamfir's mentor for four years.
43. Hole puncher? My idea.
44. I had a torrid affair with Cobi, the mascot of the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics.
45. I am Danielle Steele.
46. Before that I was the Gorton's Fisherman.
47. Before that I was Sherman Williams, but got sick of all the damn questions.
48. I cry wolf.
49. I hold the highest score ever recorded in Wack-A-Mole.
50. My skull was removed and replaced with layer upon layer of dried Elmer's Glue.
51. I used to work at the UN where I simultaneously translated in hula.
52. My Honda was made entirely of chewed Teaberry gum.
53. All the gum was chewed by Greg Norman and Robert Goulet.
54. On Palm Sunday, I can count cards legally.
55. I am covered in a thick, clear fur that can be seen under black light.
56. I sang the "hmmmmm" at the end of the closing theme song of "Diff'rent Strokes".
57. I was the first person to whimsically refer to Target as "Tar-zhay".
58. I keep angels in my left hand kitchen cabinet next to the Long John Silver's collectible glasses.
59. Fidel Castro and I have a long-running correspondence regarding one thing: the physics of the Thermos.
60. He writes his letters to me on vermicelli noodles.
61. I write his letters on grape seeds.
62. Each night before you fall asleep, I whisper the secrets of the Mayans in your ear.
63. I warned Eric Stoltz.
64. I was Jesse Ventura's Campaign Manager.
65. My first love is sumo wrestling.
66. Right before he went on stage I asked Kennedy, "Yeah, but what can my country do for me?"
67. I killed Erma Bombeck.
68. That is not a lie.
69. I've swum with moose.
70. I've also swum with Meese.
71. I protested until they started calling it Kraft CHEESE and Macaroni.
72. The sky is blue because I said so once.
73. My brother keeps Motley Crüe as his house pets.
74. They wet the floor if left alone for too long.
75. My only source of income is making wreaths for cow necks for Pongal.
76. I've been inside the Popemobile.
77. I can list all 50 states in descending order of Tang consumption.
78. I bought the Leaning Tower of Pisa with tulip bulbs in 1636, just before the tulip market crashed.
79. Cherry Coke comes out of all my faucets when the cold water is turned on.
80. I know where the beef is.
81. I'll tell you if you ask really nicely.
82. I came up with the concept of live bait vending machines.
83. I sleep on a mattress made entirely of devil's food cake.
84. "Keep on truckin'" was the first thing I said as a baby.
85. I named Djibouti, but they fucked up the spelling.
86. Carl Kasell lives in a tiny treasure chest at the foot of my bed.
87. I gave Janis Joplin her first bottle of SoCo.
88. This? Oh, that's nothing.
89. I know every duck joke ever told.
90. I am the girl in that McCurry photograph.
91. My heart is made of saffron.
92. I told Dali to make the Lobster Telephone.
93. Every line I've ever written has made someone, somewhere cry.
94. My real name is Annabel Lee.
95. I have a sixth sense - a sense of urgency.
96. Dale Chihuly gave me his eye a la Van Gogh.
97. I wear it in my hair.
98. I put the kaibosh on parachute pants.
99. I am going to rename all the planets after the Teletubbies next week.
100. I can escape it.