The Boat's Leaving, Karl

With your sanity, as evidenced by this photo op.

Y'see, dahlings, old Karl is now back on the Lohan tip and he's kookoo for kracked out headbands! This time 'round, it's Chanel's Cruise line, which is a real fashion season now, not just something you might book passage on to the Western Caribbean. So, Krazy Karl trotted out all his hottest items and high wattage fans for a fashion show in an airplane hangar. Let's take a peek inside, shall we?

Why there's too-famous-to-be-bothered Elisha Cuthbert! So chic in her purple neck brace, clutching her mismatched purple bag. Remind me, dear readers, what has she done besides that soft-core-porn-next-door film? And speaking of dubious celebs,

the lovely Camilla Belle had a teensy run-in with the gift wrapping department, but like the trooper she is, she made it to Karl's show!

Now I'm not really an Alba fan, nor am I an Alba dissenter, but I must come out and tell you, loves, that she looks simply delighful here considering the dregs with which she was surrounded. The dregs, OAA? Why yes, dears. We haven't even begun to barf over the fashion!

Case in point:

Yes, poodles, that's a man with roller skates 'round his neck with his track jacket tucked into his track pants. It's okay if you need to leave the room to laugh up your lunch. I already did. (Oooh! Perhaps this is Herr Karl's new diet plan! Laughing Up Lunches! He did this intentionally to keep us all from being chubby! Oh, thank you, Bewigged One!)

For the man who has everything already Bedazzled,

The Sequinned Bathrobe.


Lisa Cant totally got screwed on this show. Not only did she have to drag this doggie bag around for one exit, but for her other, she had to wear this:

SWEET CHRIST WHAT IS THAT?!? Those are open-toed shouchy boots! And are those cut-offs worn with Chanel's take on the formal baja? Are the shorts puking up those flaps from their waistline? Words...they fail me.

And you know it's bad when your favorite look was something so matchy-matchy, it makes even your mother a little queasy:


It seems even big-time-fancy-pants-cover-of-Vogue-Gemma-twin Sasha can't figure it out.

Each time I see this photo...and trust me, she's making this face in every one...I hear the "hruwuhhh?" sound Scooby-Doo made.


For more fashion induced bulimia/Chanel Cruise looks, check out Style.com from which all fashion show images emanate.

Speaking Of Maxie Dean...

Uh, why did no one tell me he was working with Emerald Nuts? Seriously. You 6 are really letting me down.

Check out the awesome Gouletness HERE!

Or, just make your own!

How Movies Have Changed My Life

I regularly reference movies in everyday conversation. Obscure, strange references that upon mentioning them, should others get my reference, they immediately become my new best friends. I remember when I realized that Matt Fraction knew "Three Amigos" as obsessively as I did and now, I think, should we ever be trapped in a room together, it would eventually devolve into Dusty Bottoms quotes. After quoting "Beetle Juice" today in reference to a spreadsheet I received from a vendor ("this book reads like stereo instructions"), I thought I might make a wee list of some of the lines I've worked into my repetoire, just because. There's one new line in there that I'm going to be working hard to adopt so if I reference lockjaw around you, maybe a thumbs up is in order.

"Three Amigos"
El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora?

Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?

El Guapo: It's a sweater!

Sam: Take the Amigos' clothes.

"Steel Magnolias"
M'Lynn: Drink your juice, Shelby.

"Uncle Buck"
Maizy: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

U.B.: Oh, the OUTER door...because there's nothing on this one.

U.B.: Maizy, if the object of the game were to get the ball as close to the pins without knocking any of them over, you would be champion of the world.

"Beetle Juice"
Old Barber Bill: He's got hair right down to his goddamned shoulders and he says to me, "Just...just trim it a little."

Betelguese: Stick around, round boy, we're gonna have some laughs.

Delia: Oh look, an indoor outhouse.

Adam: This book reads like stereo instructions.

Receptionist: And let me tell you, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident. (Who, by the way, was played by Carmen from...yes..."Three Amigos".)

Charles: Birdies.

Charles: I had Maxie Dean on the phone.

"One Crazy Summer"
George: CHILI DOG.

"Kicking and Screaming"
Max: Is that a pyjama top?
Otis: No...yes.

Kate: Why's everything gotta be so glum wit'cha? Parkin' spaces, toppings on pizza... (I'm pretty sure that's paraphrased, but that's what stuck.)

Otis: Monkeys, monkeys, Ted, and Alice.

Skippy: COUGARS!

Friedrich: Two grape!

"Donnie Darko"
Crazy Evil Health Teacher: Sometimes I doubt your committment to Sparkle Motion.

"Lone Wolf McQuade"
Dakota: How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?

Wow. I've got weird taste in movies.

HAIRCUT DAY!

It's time for my bi-annual haircut and oooh...there's a lot of debate. Do I go with the Cate, the Reese, or the Kirsten? (And yes, I'm aware that these are all essentially the same cut. For a girl who gets her hair snipped twice in a year, this is obviously a big deal.)

Crazy Religious Day

Jerry Fallwell dies and Cerberus buys Chrysler.

I never would have thought that the three headed hound of hell would do a good job with an auto maker. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Shit Just Got Real

Seriously, just go see it, wouldja?

Hey You Six

I'm reading an article in Spread. It's an interview with Kanye West in which he says this:

I was never interested in Picasso or Basquiat. People think it's blasphemous that I don't like Basquiat. But I never liked his work. I like John Currin a lot, who's got a master's level of artistry. I appreciate art that I look at and think, "Damn, I could never do that." ... It's the same with fashion: Handmade or couture stuff, hand-done embroidery, et cetera, people look at it and say, "That's art." The innate sensibility is that things made by hand are art. When things are thrown together in 30 minutes, my sensibility says, "That's not art. That's not what I like." One thing that's great about architecture is that you know manual labor was involved, that people's hands plastered and placed every little thing.

I was so shocked that Kanye West and I agreed on something that I had to share with the six of you. Me and Kanye? I thought we couldn't be more different, but it turns out we're thinking alike on some things. I wonder what he'd think of Balogna Man.

Gala Done Right

In case you were wondering, here's the way to dress for a gala inspired by the works of Poiret.

More Costume Institute Gala!

Prada had nothing to do with this Danes dress. That was all the work of everyone's favorite heartlight, E.T.


Dr. Venture arrives in his formal bathrobe. And while we're on Urbaniak's doppelgänger, let's talk about his upcoming co-star, Miss Parker Posey.


Or, better yet, let's repeat the old adage "if you have nothing nice to say, come sit by me" (with thanks to "Steel Magnolias" from which I learned all my best lines like "drink your juice, Shelby"). Eh, chuck that. She looks like she was mauled by wolverines. And speaking of wild animals, meet Lapo Elkaan


I have to confess. There are a few images in which Lapo is kinda attractive in a really bitchy, entitled way. And heavens knows palling around with anyone caught with a transsexual whilst high as a kite will make for a fun evening. But this look, although bold as can be, is a little too hollow-eyedey, wrinkly navyey, wide lapelly, velvet loafery lion for me.


Are those racing stripes down the side of Tommy Hilfiger's pants? Is his jacket made from the glossy coat of a jaguar? And is that his gypsy fortune teller predicting he'll come in last in the race for best dressed?


She's just barely keeping that thing up. Or is she inching it down? Hmmm... Either way, if she actually stood up straight I'm 100% sure we'd see boobs.


That's just a damn pillowcase from the Victoria's Secret collection at Sears.

Fashion Round-up: Costume Institute Gala

Saluting the work of Paul Poiret (and honestly, if you don't know his work, you should definitely look it up), this trotting out of the fashion all-stars (and by that I mean designers and Vogue mag staffers) seems pretty close to that scene in "The Devil Wears Prada" for which Emily starves herself only occasionally eating a cube of cheese. Although I've chosen to focus on some folks you might recognize, they were all there - Grace Coddington and her Queen Lizzy hair line, ALT and some sort of capey parachute, and poor size 6 Sally Singer (you know those catty bitches talk about her behind her back).

So, what the hell are we waiting for? Show us the fashion already!


Here's Cate and the suddenly swoonable Nicolas Ghesquière (honestly, girls, that's dreamy although utterly unattainable...so, uh, boys?). Cate looks a wee bit spooked in this photo, but it's probably because she's dressed like the Leg Lamp from "A Christmas Story"'s Tribute To Oscar. I'm also not a fan of the fact that her hair is the reverse of her dress. It messes with the line.

Socialite Fabiola Beracasa, she of the Tinsley Mortimer clique, reminds me of a...well...


And now, to a wine tasting. More tomorrow.

Isabella Blow Shakes Off This Mortal Coil

Fashion icon Isabella Blow has passed on. I may not have liked her every look, but she was most definitely an original spirit in the world of fashion and she most certainly helped my dear Alexander come to power and for that I am forever grateful. Farewell, Isabella. We tip our Treacys to you.

Fly Away Money

Dear Wallet,

I fully understand that the Caboose requires my disposable income and that you are often exhausted, but please, just this once, can I splurge on something utterly irrational? Yes, yes, that BCBG dress was certainly an indulgence of the first order and I should be happy that you were there for me as I went through my Marie Antoinette phase (which is not over, I might add), but I reeeeeeally want this DVD:

Noot's in it, for pity's sake. It's not like I'm asking for much. After all, it's only $45.

So, think about it and get back to me. I know this is a one-way relationship, with me always taking, but I did just clean out all those old receipts so you'd be thin and pretty again. That's got to be worth something, no?

L,
OAA

(or we could always get this new book about Nancy Cunard. Your choice, really.)

Muzak

I'm in a rut. I am in need of new music, but since I can't remember what I want when I'm ready to buy, I'm making a list (shout out to Nikol & Kelly Sue, the Queens of the List) right here on ye olde blogger. Do add your suggestions below in ye olde comment section.

Jenny Owen Youngs
Amy Winehouse
Marie Antoinette Soundtrack
The Radio Department
Klaxons
Ray LaMontagne
Django Reinhardt
Yves Montand
Sol Seppy
Emily Haines
Pink Martini (seriously, get on this)

File Under: Our Amazing World

Giant crystals found in blast furnace cave.

The world is far more incredible than we can comprehend and beings far more conscious of its power and beauty should have inherited it. We seem to just be intent on trashing the place.

Scattered PICtures

of the smiles we left behind. Misty watercolor mem'ries of the way we were now updated on Flickr.

(I really wanted a shot of Tom Hanks on the phone in "Big", but searching for "big" on Google yields some rather sketchy results.)

Our State, In A Broad Sense

Dropping Knowledge

How is it that after all this time I just now heard of this and yet I know that earlier in the week Britney and her dad threw down in some spate over who's to blame for her recent mania?

The state of the world is slightly off-kilter.

I Just Want To Remember This

Because I certainly can't watch it again.

Father and Daughter by Michael Dudok de Wit

Cute, Cheap Shoes

And isn't that what we're all striving for, really? Here's a link to the new Abaete collection at Payless - not as cute as the last collection, but at least this time 'round you can get your hands on a pair.

I'm buying the Spring Slide in Navy. And why wouldn't I at only $20?

Hoowhee I love this fireplace and that tile.

(stolen from Happy Mundane.)

The Funniest Things Ever Written, Vol. 1

Special Collections: The Kenny Rogers Notebooks, 1975-1977
Although this was a much more popular meme a few years back, I am still frequently caught singing "The Sidewalk Caricature Artist" and I firmly believe this Eric McHenry has got something. You keep on keepin' on, combination-of-the-names-of-my-brother-and-my-boyfriend.

When I Have Millions Of Dollars

After my Cows in the Distance goes bestseller, I'm going to buy myself this bitchin' grill.

The Title Of My New Novel

Cows in the Distance


It's going to be very Jane Smiley.

April Is Poetry Month

I was feeling nostalgic for Old Aunt Amy's Poetry Corner today. Those were emails about the human condition with some poems added in for fun that I sent out ages ago. Now it's this blogging business which is far less personal. But, all the same, here's some poetry to break up those posts about the human condition and what not.

Naming the Stars

Joyce Sutphen

This present tragedy will eventually
turn into myth, and in the mist
of that later telling the bell tolling
now will be a symbol, or, at least,
a sign of something long since lost.

This will be another one of those
loose changes, the rearrangement of
hearts, just parts of old lives
patched together, gathered into
a dim constellation, small consolation.

Look, we will say, you can almost see
the outline there: her fingertips
touching his, the faint fusion
of two bodies breaking into light.



The Summer I Was Sixteen

Geraldine Connolly

The turquoise pool rose up to meet us,
its slide a silver afterthought down which
we plunged, screaming, into a mirage of bubbles.
We did not exist beyond the gaze of a boy.

Shaking water off our limbs, we lifted
up from ladder rungs across the fern-cool
lip of rim. Afternoon. Oiled and sated,
we sunbathed, rose and paraded the concrete,

danced to the low beat of "Duke of Earl".
Past cherry colas, hot-dogs, Dreamsicles,
we came to the counter where bees staggered
into root beer cups and drowned. We gobbled

cotton candy torches, sweet as furtive kisses,
shared on benches beneath summer shadows.
Cherry. Elm. Sycamore. We spread our chenille
blankets across grass, pressed radios to our ears,

mouthing the old words, then loosened
thin bikini straps and rubbed baby oil with iodine
across sunburned shoulders, tossing a glance
through the chain link at an improbable world.



Before She Died

Karen Chase

When I look at the sky now, I look at it for you.
As if with enough attention, I could take it in for you.

With all the leaves gone almost from
the trees, I did not walk briskly through the field.

Late today with my dog Wool, I lay down in the upper field,
he panting and aged, me looking at the blue. Leaning

on him, I wondered how finite these lustered days seem
to you, A stand of hemlock across the lake catches

my eye. It will take a long time to know how it is
for you. Like a dog's lifetime -- long -- multiplied by sevens.

Bag THIS!

It's no wheat bag (sorry, inside joke), but unlike wheat bags, this one actually does some good. Buy the FEED bag and feed 1 child in a developing nation for 1 full school year. It's actually the perfect tote for summer and although it was designed by a Bush, Lauren Bush (the pretty model one dating a Lauren spawn, not one of those boozy twins) is actually doing something to help developing nations.

Buy a FEED Bag here.


Anya Hindmarch's insanely popular "I'm Not A Plastic Bag" bag is ready for U.S. pre-order and will be available around June 1st. Originally designed for the UK's wearewhatwedo.org to highlight bag reuse as opposed to snapping up all those plastic bags you'll never use again, this cutie is $15 to order and carries a hefty $15 shipping charge, but for $30, you can stop getting all those ugly bags and actually carry a cute one. And isn't that worth it?

Check here for boutique locations and order yourself one!

(Shout out to fantastic Faran and her delicious Fashionista site for the heads up on the bags.)

Bad News For The Caboose

This eloquent article elucidates so much that I will simply let it speak for itself, but it shall not go unmentioned that my desire to take violin lessons was just increased to near epic levels and although I'll never be Joshua Bell, the house may have to wait to be painted yet again.

And Speaking Of Audrey...

I missed the "Twin Peaks" Season One DVD boat hoping there'd be a release of both seasons in one set and now it's $90. Season Two is available for a scant $36, but then I read things like this:

We've got a bit of an update for you today on CBS/Paramount's plans for David Lynch's Twin Peaks TV series on DVD in 2007. As most of you should know by now, the long-awaited Twin Peaks: The Second Season is already set to hit DVD on 4/10. Our sources are telling us that this release is designed for those who may already have Season One (released back in 2001 by Artisan/Republic) and the unaired pilot episode (released on DVD in Japan and available only as an import) on disc. However, for those of you who are patient and want it all in one shot... we're told to expect CBS/Paramount to announce a Twin Peaks: The Complete Series box set for release later in 2007 that contains both seasons AND the pilot episode, PLUS lots of newly-produced extras. Watch for details on the box set to be announced in the next few months.

from places like here: The Digital Bits

Now obviously the release date was incorrect, but is that really that important? So, all 6 of you, do I order Season Two and save my pennies for One or do I wait, potentially in vain, for the entire set? Do note that I have the VHS copies of everything that I bought years ago on eBay for $110. (Yes. You read that right.) So, vote away, and remember, the owls are not what they seem.

Charming and Insidious

Songs for Ice Cream Trucks

I've been listening to these tracks through MySpace today and have decided they're a cross between Danny Elfman, Teletubbies music, and something Lolita might have played for Humbert Humbert. They're slightly tinny, slightly devilish, and for some reason the combination of these things makes me slightly delighted. As Audrey Horne might say to the question of cup or cone, "Cone. I like to lick."

It's Things Like This That Lead Me To Believe

That we may have to start dating again.

The Backyardigans

I have a rather large backyard. Rather large indeed. And I'm always swooning over the gardens and landscaping in magazines, but have yet to do anything. So, I'm accumulating images that I think will fit our house/area. And, since I am always forgetting where the images have gotten to, I'm recording them here. I know some are wildly over the top, money-wise, but it never hurts to be inspired.
I definitely want to do this to the backyard. Definitely.
Our outdoor furniture looks nearly identical to this outdoor furniture.
Doesn't that just look so soothing?

LemCon

A cinematic triumph featuring a clean-shaven Drew Bell. And I'm in there too as a Robert Palmer/geisha secretary.

A Hopi Prayer For Nana

Do not stand
at my grave and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep.

I am a thousand
winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight
on the ripened grain.
I am the gentle
Autumn’s rain.

When you awaken
in the morning hush,
I am the swift,
uplifting rush
of quiet birds
in circled flight.

I am the soft stars
that shine at night.

Do not stand
at my grave and cry;
I am not there,
I did not die.

Irritations

1. People who do not acknowledge the fact that you've allowed them to pass down a narrow street while you wait patiently at the side of the road. A simple wave to recognize that I haven't just barrelled along, forcing them to stop, would do wonders.

2. "I am loving ________ right now." This is not elegant grammar. It is infuriating. And lately, bloggers the world over have adopted it. It's ubiquitous and icky.

3. Overuse of the word "like". Colloquial as it may be, when, like, you use it instead of breathing it, like, drives me, like, to drink. I vacillate on my level of irritation with this habit and it's currently reached epic proportions.

I'm sure there are more, but I'm going to dwell on the positive now.

Things I Need More Of

+

Stating The 0bvi0us

Th0se Pepperidge Farm bitches sure can make a g00d c00kie.

(I br0ke R0sie and am n0w relegated t0 the junker lapt0p with a missing 15th letter 0f the alphabet key. Fun!)

Why God Made The YouTube

It's all for this tiny clip.

And that, children, is why god made the YouTube.

As If We Needed A Silly Test To Determine This

Your results:
You are Poison Ivy
You would go to almost any length for the protection of the environment including manipulation and elimination.



Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

Call For Help

Anyone remember the Guinness ad featuring hurling? It's a rainy day out on the field and the player with the ball's got a free in and he's getting a wee bit nervous - picturing the other players as monsters, the goal unreachable, that sort of thing - then he just takes the shot. He makes it, off screen, while the Guinness logo or a pour or something brand-y comes up. I've searched YouTube, half-assed I'll admit, and Googled and haven't come up with anything. I think it was called "Free-In" and it was made around 2002. Need it, well, mostly to prove a point to a client.

Help?

I Just Wish It Weren't So Cold

One of my favorite cities, here, there, and everywhere, is Minneapolis. I know, right? Minneapolis? What the hell? But when my friend Amy lived there, I would visit and and we'd find all the amazing things that MPLS had to offer. Then we realized that most of our favorite places were outdoor and, let's be frank, it's damn frigid there most months of the year.

An enduring favorite from those days is the Walker's Minneapolis Sculpture Garden where you can find a challenging Jenny Holzer work, Frank Gehry's carp, and the super cool Spoonbridge.


Plus, there's The Loring and their beautiful outdoor patio, the retro Cafe Havana, and, of course, the drag shows at the Gay 90's. Sadly, the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices has closed, but you can still find some quackery at the city's Science Museum.

So, globe-trotters, this summer, reserve yourself a room at Nan's B&B and go 'sploring this delightful, surprising city. Oh, and skip the Mall of America. There's plenty of charming stores not enclosed in a colossal tribute to consumerism up there.

My New Favorite Lady

Eva Zeisel

From WWDBeautyBiz mag:
"True happiness derives from interest in the world around you, kindness to other people, and the ability to produce thoughts or things for one's own or other people's pleasure. As for longevity, I think it simply comes down to good genes. I have also lived Winston Churchill's famous maxim: 'No sports.'"

She's the bee's knees.

Our Most Recent Snow

Sounds like a book title.