An Open Letter To The U.S. Government

Dear assholes,

Yeah, you heard me right. I said assholes. Hey, at least I put the "dear" in front. Be content with that, you bag of pustules.

So, we got a nice little bonus for the end of the year and I wanted to see what life would be like if I had a Masters so I looked at my paycheck stub. Now, I usually don't go in for that sort of behavior because I get distracted by the amount removed for my 401K and, against better judgement, I inevitably want that money back. Since it's easier if I just ignore the fact that it's disappearing, I refrain from looking at my paycheck stub. And I forgot there's another good reason to not look - seeing just how much you're getting from me on a bi-monthly basis.

Seriously, you make as much per month as my mortgage company and I'm actually getting something out of them. (A house, you dullards.) You, on the other hand, aren't giving me shit. Oh sure, I'm getting "security" and "the Postal Service", but c'mon, when the president I didn't vote for (which is another issue entirely) basically pisses off entire races in one fell swoop and then just keeps poking at them with pointy sticks, I really don't feel you're engendering a sense of security in me. Call me crazy, but I'm not one of those Midwesterners who believe everything you're telling me. I've watched "The X-Files". I know from conspiracy theories and government cover-ups. As far as that U.S.P.S. you're forcing me to use, sure, the childrens' book stamps were adorable, but half the time it's a trust game and usually those boys in blue fail me. Personally, I think the Pony Express was more reliable, and far more romantic in feeling.

But back to the money you're stealing. You're using it for bombs (hate them); wars (they anger me); the FBI (useless); pistachios for Air Force One (what's wrong with pretzels? Oh yeah...someone might choke); Dick Cheney (don't get me started on that); global warming (yes, Virginia, there is such a thing, you polar bear hater); and my personal favorites, working god back into everything we do and fighting gay marriage. Come the hell on, bastards. There's a reason they separated church and state. It's just best for everyone. Who cares whose name you put in your prayers so long as you're being a good person? Allah is just as kick ass as Jesus and Buddah is totally wicked awesome so honestly, if I like one better than the other and I'm not sending anthrax through the mail, what the hell difference should it make? Speaking of irrelevant, you should stop worrying about whether or not Lance Bass can get married and start worrying about the current state of healthcare, our global credibility, your punk-ass in-fighting, the sorry state of our environmental policy, finishing that needlepoint sampler that reads "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" because most of you have obviously forgotten that little bon mot, education, and a little thing I like to call Social Security which is currently neither "social" nor "secure".

Not only that, but you people seriously take more vacation than the French.

In summary, you colossal waste of carbon, you need to actually start working for the fucking money you keep thieving from my bank account or I'll be forced to pull a Willie Nelson. Not the get out-of-my-gourd stoned part, but the no paying the taxes part.

Sincerely,
OAA