Better Than You

N'yah, n'yah. I'm better than you. I'm so much better than you. You have no idea how much better I am than you. You can't even see how much better I am, oh, but you can quantify it. Oh, yes you can. I'm so much better than you that you're probably too chicken to find out if you're better than me. I bet you are. I bet you are too chicken. You're more chicken than a girl who gets woozy when she gives blood. I'm so much better. Why? Oh, because my platelet count is 399. So what? Huh? That's 399,000, punks. That's like, way more than normal. That's like so much more than normal it's into awesome levels. Bottom of AVERAGE is 150,000. I'm totally above that. Peak is like 450,000 and I'm WAY closer to that. So, yeah, my platelets could pretty much take your platelets DOWN.

What? You don't know what your platelet count is? Well, I got an easy solution for you, brother. Go donate some platelets and then we'll see who's rockin' the platelet department, won't we? They'll tell you how many you've got in there and then they'll take some. But, it's no big because you'll get to lie in a comfy chair under cozy blankets and watch a movie and eat all the milk and cookies you can eat and they'll give 'em to really sick people who need 'em and you'll make 'em all back in 3 days anyway. So, then you'll know how many platelets you have and you'll know just how it feels to give something that takes so little and yields so much and when you do, email me and if your platelet count is higher than mine, I'll send you something. Yeah, you heard me. I'll concede defeat. I can be the bigger person here.

After all, this is just a flimsy sham to get you to donate platelets.

http://www.jlab.org/div_dept/admin/medical/platelet.html

So why don't you? It's easy. Really. And it's needed. Very. And I'll be so proud of you.

But I still bet my platelet count'll kick your platlet count's ass.

Bring. It. On.